Monday, 21 March 2011

The Citeh Snore

Well it's Run-In time and the irritating pattern of the season has changed very little.

It’s frustrating that United remain just out of reach, like some unruly kid that keeps ducking under your arm when you really think you’ve got the little bleeder cornered.

Fergie’s touchline ban saw him up in the stand on a trimphone from the 1980’s, supposedly calling his minions on the bench. Is he allowed to do that? How’s that a punishment?

'Sorry Fergie? You want me to pull off Hernandez at half-time?'


The FA have said to his Knightship 'You're grounded son! Now go to your room! Oh by the way I've topped up your mobile pay as you go and there's a bottle of your favourite claret in the airing cupboard. Love you!'

The Gooners continue to play a back four as familiar with the art of defending as Eric Chabal is with flower-arranging. Almunia wandered out of his box like a bloke who’s suddenly discovered he's gone in the Ladies bogs by accident. Hopeless.

Wenger's answer to the psychologial crisis in his defence is to bring in that pillar of rational thought Jens Lehmann. Hmm. He'll be getting Dale Winton in soon to give a bit more bite to the midfield.

Chelsea on the other hand have regained a bit of bumptious swagger if you overlook the distinctly fragile Fernando. Blues fans are not on his back yet but Torres still looks like he’s carrying a heavy burden. Where’s the pace gone? Have those overworked hamstrings twanged too often? He looks nowt less than a Spanish Michael Owen right now.

Or a Castillian Sheva. Perhaps in six years time Torres’ll be back at Atletico and reminding us of what he once had. But the omens aren’t good. And Liverpool’s head honchos must be smirking like April Fools Day Pranksters at the £50 million they got for a toothless nag.

David Luiz, on the other hand, is top notch. You need a certain self-confidence to get away with a barnet like his (although Marouane Fellaini would spit on such coiffurial restraint) and this lad is right to have it.


Here's David Luiz as a toddler. Bless!

Chelsea was my tip at the start of the season and with the bronchitic Arsenal choking and the corridors of Old Trafford getting clogged up by defenders on trolleys the Blues might yet nick it.

More likely is United bagging the league and Chelsea dumping them out of Europe. We'll see.

One club that won’t be in the final shakedown is Man City. I’ve heard Citeh fans saying a top four finish’d be great and that the club are just building but I have to say I’ve found them a right bloody infuriating lot to watch this season.

The main problem is the fact that the footy they play is utterly tedious, especially when up against a team in the top half. Mancini’s selection at Stamford Bridge couldn’t have been more miserable had he had Stockport County’s budget.

But given that money pours out of Abu-Dhabi like chocolate flows through a Willy Wonka factory, you’d think Mancini might be up for putting together something that teeters towards a style that might just pass, on a good day, for enter-flaming-tainment.

I tell you what, you wouldn’t give Roberto £300 million to design you a house, would you? He’d just build a big solid grey concrete box with iron gates everywhere and CCTV at every door. I suppose you might have David Silva watering the flowers in a couple of window-boxes but that’s your lot as far as flamboyance is concerned.

It’s not like they haven’t kept spending the money. But Balotelli seems to have more loose screws than a mother of fifty-seven kids. There’s a lot of talk about body language these days and Mario’s is easier to read than most. Right now, I reckon his body is saying is saying ‘I’m barking mad, me’. And only someone temperamentally unsuited to the pressures of top-flight footy could get a grass allergy.

"Please, gaffer, let us keep the snood n gloves"

Actually I needed a new TV the other day so I bought a Marioballo telly. It didn’t stay on for long.

Mind you even a sneezing itchy-eyed Balotelli’d do a better job for you than Edin Dzeko. I’ve seen shopping trolleys with a better first touch and his awareness of others couldn’t be worse if he played with a bag over his head. He's not lazy, or potty, just a bit shit.

The aggrieved skipper Carlos might not hang around much longer if he constantly has to cope with either Nutty or Slack as his partner upfront.

In the end Citeh’ll win summat – maybe even the FA Cup – but I preferred Sparky’s Citeh when they were throwing caution into a very strong wind and just about winning 4-3.

Meanwhile we’ve got the latest episode in the Lame Duck Meets Damp Squib farce that is Fabio Capello’s England. It’s not the Italian’s fault that England have a game against Wales followed by a friendly v Ghana. I mean What the Fuck?

When you look at how sports are administered in this country – and you only have to look at the England’s cricket schedule this winter to realise it’s not just the FA - you’ve got to wonder whether an aquarium of randomly quizzed octopuses might do a better job.

Meanwhile John Terry, a man so unpopular he wouldn’t win a Mr. Unpopularity contest cos no one wants him to win anything, is back as skipper. Capello hasn’t spoken to Rio yet. The idea that they’d understand each other is preposterous anyway.

Terry is a natural leader, I’m told. And yes, he has got a big gob and he gets stuck in. And I dunno, what with the centre-forward’s elbows and the left-back’s handguns, it’s hard not to think that Terry is the epitome of the England footballer right now. And as such, he’s the man to lead us through the Oblivion that is Capello’s England.

PS Well done Matt Jarvis! (‘Boro born!)

567 comments:

  1. Haha FIRST! Now to read the Blog ;)

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  2. Anon it wouldn't have counted anyway. Who would know (care) if you were first because you are indeed anon? Anyway man up and get yourself a username so you're no longer anon but er anon with a fake name and then everyone would know who you are.

    I could just be talking to myself...
    Yours Anon

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  3. I'm not though

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  4. Citeh truly baffle me, as for Arsenal i think us getting Lehman back was a good idea.hell if Henry says he wants to come back we should pay 50mill just to make him seat on the bench (something chelsea must do with Torres) so that the plonkers playing for us realize the team they are playing or what it used to be before they made us the laughing stock,i mean 2 nil comeback against WEST BROM?!? even worse Spurs in the last 8 champs league and a league title is all we playing for...who would have thought!!

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  5. I think the whole captaincy issue is overrated. Terry seems to be the epitome of footballing cliches, when he gets asked a question he doesn't really answer it, he just comes out with a long speel of "hes the man" or "we need to get out of first gear" or "hes different class". Granted these aren't the best examples of cliches ever but it is Monday after all and I've still to eat me lunch.

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  6. so when is Capello going to build a young team as he promised after the catacalismofuck that was the WC?

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  7. Thought this international break would be perfect to select a 23 all under 25.

    It s only Wales, innit?

    And Ghana? given its a good team, but thats a friendly.

    Not the end of the world

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  8. Good blog Robbo!
    I have given up on Arsenal's chances this season now. With Almunia and Squillaci in defence, what hope can we have to keep a clean sheet? yes, Arshavin might provide sparks of brillaince on other end of the pitch. But thats that, we need a major over haul next season - both personnel wise and in playing system.

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  9. It’s nice to see young players being included in squad, but I think Capello feels young lads are still not ready to lead England charge at Euro 2012. He’ll still have majority senior members once all are fit and thats why he has given captaincy back to Terry, which might be a good decision. But methinks FA should look for future and plan for WC 2014 and not Euro 2012.

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  10. I don’t understand what UEFA saw in Mario Balotelli and gave him Young Player of the Year award. Even when he played for Inter he was too notorious. On top of that he makes comments like he can be better than Messi, have’nt heard of Wilshire etc… Setting poor example by giving award to an undeserving candidate.

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  11. Dzeko does look a bit shit doesn't he. Balotelli is a bit of a prick ain't he. Mancini to go in the summer? A quick mention must go to Adel Taarabt of my beloved QPR... Congrats on becoming Championship Player of the Season! Come on You R's.

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  12. Matt Jarvis, Boro born but famous for playing for the mighty Gillingham FC lol :p

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  13. Starfire said...
    Matt Jarvis, Boro born but famous for playing for the mighty Gillingham FC lol :p
    -----------------------------------------------
    About to become even more famous by playing for Liverpool FC next season. :)

    Citeh were kinda crap yday. Why when you have all those millions would you put up with the likes of milner and barry is beyond me. There defence does look solid for most part, but without tevez there is no creativity in the middle or up front. Maybe they should've spent their money on torres...oh hang on..

    While the torres and carroll transfers drew all the headlines in Jan, i think the best deals were Luiz and Suarez..both turn out to be outstanding players.

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  14. Nah, he'll end up at Spurs AH ... all midfielders will end up there ;)

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  15. Hello AH,
    From previous blog,
    I'll bet its going better than my game Noel. I have sehwag, gayle and roach playing for me today.
    ---------------------------
    So did they score lots of points on Sunday? :P

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  16. Absolutely SS. With Sehwag and Gayle both picking up centuries and a five-for for Roach, it was a memorable day for me at the FCL.

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  17. Every game City play makes an arsenal fan feel a little better about our own team.

    Its shite but at least, like the morning after a bender, when you have forgotten what you had for dinner, its the interesting kind of shite.

    burns nevertheless

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  18. Hehe AH never mind. You can still make up for the lost ground. For more details on quarter finals you can read my blog -

    http://suhasp-ss11.blogspot.com/2011/03/swot-ing-cup.html

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  19. Only watched the last 15 mins or so of the game yesterday so I can't really comment on citehs performance. I'm kind of getting a little tired of hearing about it though.

    Their manager is Italian, he plays really defensive and tries to catch teams on the break. He bought quality forward players because his strategy is to defend defend defend then hopefully someone up the pitch will have a piece of individual brilliance to bag a goal. I'd imagine most of Citehs goals have come from an individual rather than a passing move.

    Is it completely wrong what hes done? Citeh are fourth and are in the semi finals of the FA cup. So far hes doing worse than Ranieri did at Chelski but the league is probably tougher at the top now plus Ranieri didn't have the huge setback of snoods being banned to contend with!

    I dunno I'd say hes a little short of where he wants to be but hes not far off. I hope they do sack him though to throw the club into more chaos.

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  20. adam as we were saying on the prev blog...you might have a point from the viewpoint of janeaustenesque etiquette, but this is rio we are talking about, rio of the threesome porn vid in aya napa, drink dring bans, 4 speeding bans, and what have i forgotten???? oh yes an 8 month DRUG TAKING BAN, numerous reports of flings, etc etc etc hes no mr darcy, but suddenly he's bleating on about lack of respect? do me a favour

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  21. i ve got one of them ballatellis, you know the small, wooden table top game developed from the original ballatelle in which the pockets are made of pins; also called pin ballatelle, hit-a-pin bagatelle, jaw ball?

    im allergic to it

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  22. From the indie

    A Labour politician was urged to resign today after branding his own constituents "Donkey botherers" on Facebook during a Barclays Premier League match.

    Councillor Simon Blackburn made the light-hearted remark while watching Premier League rivals Blackpool and Blackburn battle out a keenly-contested 2-2 draw in their Lancashire derby on Saturday.

    The 37-year-old politician, though leader of the Labour group on Blackpool Council, is a life-long fan of rivals and near-neighbours Rovers.

    The councillor made the remark via his phone and posted it on his Facebook page, as his side went 2-0 down.

    The comment read: "Oh my actual God...the donkey-botherers are 2-0 up thanks to two of the worst refereeing decisions ever!"

    He is understood to have believed it would only be seen by friends.

    --------------

    C'mon tangerines, where's your sense of humour?

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  23. And he's probably going to be pulled up by the FA and serve a 5 match ban for the comments on the referee. He'll still have his phone though.

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  24. Afternoon peeps.

    I believe it's gonna be a great run in, the Chavs are back and even though Spurs keep slipping up (which nobody seems to want to mention, probably cos 'Arrys hEnglish, innit) Citehs left the door for them open.

    Arsene continues to baffle us, the signing of Lehmann is peculiar at best. I've read on a few Arsenal sites that many would welcome Mad Jens back at No 1, and due to the fact that our current No 1 lost his place earlier in the season to a guy who couldn't catch a cold (flappy) then I kinda see where they are comming from. However Jens hasn't played a game for donkeys and is probably as rusty as a coffin nail so I can't believe that AW play him. Here's hoping that during the Int' break one of the physios can work out how to put a bionic finger on Cheezy Wotsit. Sad really that most of us (gooners) are hoping to bring back an unexperienced kid that not so long ago was our 4th choice.

    Man IOU's victory was typical and the reason why they are the best team in the land even when they aren't. Down to ten men, yet fighting to the end and scrapping for a result. I think they'll win it in the end although I won't give up the hope untill it's mathmatically impossible for my boys to do it (in 3 games we should know enough. ;))

    I feel that the real excitement is at the other end of the table though. Excellent draw for Wet Spam, massive win for Wigan and an away day miracle for eccky thump McCarthys Wolves. Only 7 points seperate 10th and bottom place, with 4 teams on 33 points, that's were the real story is at.

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  25. From last blog;

    FBH, good luck with your upcomming election *double checks spelling* and enjoy Disneyland, Emily will luv it. It's a good six hour drive from the dungheap by the way. :)

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  26. I only saw the first half of the Chavs v Citeh game, it was tedious so I turned the channel to watch the Dutch highlights instead. What I did see though was proof that you can't fix a problem just by throwing money at it. The two most expensively constructed teams in the PL playing in an absolute snooze fest. Torres in one of his best games so far in a blue shirt still looked lost and Citeh with their trilion dollar strike force ironically looked like they couldn't buy a goal.

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  27. mornin' all and Good stuff Robbo, highly chucklesome but I have to nominate Fabrice Muamba as having a worse first touch than Dzeko. Fabrice couples his with a fairly crappy second touch too (when he gets one).

    H, bang on about the relegation battle. My BBC premier league predictor has 13 teams on 41 points going into the final game of the season.

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  28. is a vote for FBH a vote for free pies?

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  29. Cheers Trott and congrats on the victory in the HtoH, my defence was a shambles but I'm still in second place with a mathmatical chance of winning the title.

    Why does that sound familiar?

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  30. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPb7Ctgs-Ws

    Tee hee.

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  31. Chelsea's billionaire owner Roman Abramovich is looking into rebuilding an indoor arena in Volgograd to enable Russia's Olympic pole vault champion and world record holder Yelena Isinbayeva train in her home city.
    Reuters
    ---
    I wonder how many times will she have to vault on his pole to pay that off?

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  32. JIM GANNON SACKED

    Damned Vale....74 days

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  33. Blog
    youll probably be able to get Micky back soon(delayed a bit due to win over Leeds)
    Anyway we both seem to be sliding in the wrong direction, after our 5-0 slamming from the Spireites, as Jacks and Adam have reminded me

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  34. its a fickle business tone. As Andy walsall said " we'll all be football managers for 5 minutes"

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  35. sympathy Blog, it's a horrible vacuum to be in but it'll all be alright, don't you worry. Is Mego still available?

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  36. trott thanks the vicissitudes of supirting a shit team eh? I want vale to not ne shit so badly but thetes no money...then once in a while there's a glimmer of new dawn ... and then splat! gannon down jimmy!

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  37. don't know about mego but we're rebuilding so hopefully lego is available

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  38. did you know that lego was Hitlers favourite toy, and if the third Reich had triumphed he planned to build a tower of lego all the way to the moon?

    that's actually true btw

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  39. Strachan still out of work ain't he blog? 74 days - that was how long the Falklands War lasted, and I'm sure more damage was done in that time at Vale.

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  40. Always a good read, Robbo...

    "It’s frustrating that United remain just out of reach, like some unruly kid that keeps ducking under your arm when you really think you’ve got the little bleeder cornered."

    Couldn't help but share this video from us colonials Down Under. It has been news worthy, apparently:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_s_wFLqK6o

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  41. Sorry to be a pedant but it's Sebastien Chabal, not Eric...

    Great blog though!

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  42. blog, did she invent lego before she ate the rhino?

    Great video Luke!

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  43. You cant have Mego, not till the end of the season,

    He is taking Wednesday down

    thereis keano tho and he can travel from home daily

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  44. trott im starting to feel trapped by this web of lies ive spun around my nan

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  45. noel 74 days - i can see pattern emerging - falklands war... jim gannons reign of terror...how long apple took to sell a million iphones ...how long joey barton spent in jail ... no i cant see a pattern emerging

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  46. Talking of joey barton, can anyone explain why one of the most impressive midfielders the PL this season is being constantly overlaooked by England, is it because of his past problems if so should the rest of the players with convictions also be dropped?

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  47. Thanks for the Chabal correction. And btw why do Les Bleus insist on picking some demonic jessie who's wandered in off a WWF outtakes vid? Chabal is hopeless.

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  48. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/9432196.stm

    Halleh-fucking-lujah!

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  49. Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny has joked he would rather play behind 48-year-old youth team coach Steve Bould than any of the club's current centre-halves. He also branded striker Nicklas Bendtner "arrogant" and fellow stopper Jens Lehmann "still a nutcase".

    ----------------------------

    Tell it like it is, Chesney.

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  50. Tottenham are ready to pay £5m to bring 29-year-old Liverpool midfielder Joe Cole to White Hart Lane.

    ------------------


    Ha ha ha ha aha ha a

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  51. Starfire said...
    Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny has joked he would rather play behind 48-year-old youth team coach Steve Bould than any of the club's current centre-halves. He also branded striker Nicklas Bendtner "arrogant" and fellow stopper Jens Lehmann "still a nutcase".

    ----------------------------

    Tell it like it is, Chesney.
    -----------------------------

    Well, wudda ya know? the kid has sense.

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  52. " We hope you lose tomorrow, daddy. Then you can come home. "
    Paul Collingwood's daughters made it pretty clear how they would have liked the England-West Indies clash to pan out.

    -------------

    you never win anything with kids, eh?

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  53. Did a retaliation attack by the gaddafi mental hospital obliterate the whole of Britain?

    am too scared to look it up...

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  54. Afternoon Spit and anyone else lurking out there. I'm still out here but I am 120kms offshore in the north sea so maybe there is no-one left on land.

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  55. I've had a look at the fixture list for Saturday 7th May and would like to recommend a bet on all 10 games ending in draws. And I even think bets on 1-1 in each game could be a good money maker.

    Aston Villa v Wigan
    Bolton v Sunderland
    Everton v Man City
    Fulham v Liverpool
    Man Utd v Chelsea
    Newcastle v Birmingham
    Stoke v Arsenal
    Tottenham v Blackpool
    West Ham v Blackburn
    Wolves v West Brom

    But with my track record please don't listen to anything I rpedict.

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  56. Also on 30th April. All 6 games to finish a 1-1 draws....

    Blackburn v Bolton
    Blackpool v Stoke
    Chelsea v Tottenham
    Sunderland v Fulham
    West Brom v Aston Villa
    Wigan v Everton

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  57. But don't listen to that second prediction either

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  58. blogdignag said...
    my nan invented lego
    --------------------------------

    my nan was invented naan
    She was quite fat and sat on an unsliced white loaf. she also invented the keema naan when she sat on a sausage baguette.

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  59. colch, spit - the japanese tsunami just reached britain. am currently surfing the baltic sea on my front door. regretting the hawaiian shorts.

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  60. my gran on my mum's side was a giant canary, colch

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  61. i think my grandad might know her blog. she worked in the same coal mine as him.

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  62. Why do they make toblerones in a shape that hurts you when try to bit a chunk off the end of it. WHy would you want a confectionary that causes you pain? What's going to be next? Mars Bars with flick knives? Twix's with uzis? Where will the madness end?

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  63. s&m confectionary whatever next? lower league football fans having to listen to gooners bemoaning their fate?

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  64. I just saw my nan, she was eating a topic with a machette, dressed in a canary suit (my nan was not the machette)... funny old game innit.


    Colcho, blogsy... howdo?

    Shots to draw with barnet tonight, that or we'll win that or we'll lose, that or the game'l be cancelled due to the tsunami hitting?

    I miss this blog... during my time off i scribbled nonsence on bits of paper and gave them to strangers to read... It wasn't the same, no one ever replied. Stinking moderators....


    Blogs you still drink deletor?






    Blogs you still drinking deltor?

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  65. Howdo RBA. How's the pie shaped house and the house shaped pies?

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  66. And apologies but Aldershot have no chance of winning tonight. I've backed them as part of my accumulator.

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  67. ever do that, write a long post and you get a f.o.y.t. screen, you lose it and have to write it again?

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  68. ok take 2..

    my nan... nah its not funny the second time.

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  69. Terry admits 'he divides opinion' and that he is 'not a popular choice'.

    He went on to say, 'even my kids think I am an asshole' but thats not true of course, they are not my kids.

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  70. My naan had blisters all over but tasted well with the chicken tandoori.

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  71. tragic really. my nan, god rest her soul, she's dead now of course, met this guy down a coal mine. said he was from colchester or his grandson was anyway. turns out this guy had a fetich for tooled up grannies dressed in canary suits so one thing leads to another and to cut a short story in half with a machete my gran catches a terminal case of chirpies

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  72. I think Sepp Blatter has taken over the FFL. In my games against WhogivesaflyingFC he beat me 44-43 but when I look at my latest points it says I've got 47. No wonder I'm bottom of the table if I keep losing when i score more points than the opposition. Or maybe the referee didn't see those 4 points I scored.

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  73. rba, yes mate im still following deleter of the law

    haha!

    COAT!

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  74. what you need on that ffl is more technolgy, colch. or less technology.

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  75. Look.....here's the proof......

    Whogivesaflying FC 44 : 43 ColchesterFC

    Gameweek 30 Total: 47

    It's not fair. I shall be putting in a complaint to the league administrator.

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  76. they're like rare and precisou objects now arent' they, "an rba post" as valuable weight for weight as the tre skilling yellow stamp of 1885

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  77. colch,

    did u make one more transfer than the allowed quota this week?

    the 4 points deduction could explain it

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  78. ohn Terry admitted today he was "not everyone's cup of tea" but "everyone's piece of shite"

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  79. I have written a strongly worded letter to the organisers of the FFL. It wrong. Wrong i tell you. I'd be top of the table if every time i scored less points than the opposition i won.

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  80. Spitfire said...
    colch, did u make one more transfer than the allowed quota this week?
    the 4 points deduction could explain it
    -------------------------------------

    dammit spit i was hoping noone (not plymouth) would notice that. especially as until you mentioned it i had forgotten. damn you to hell and back.

    i've always wanted to date a girl called helen back. then when someone asked where i'd been i could say "i've been to hell and back"

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  81. Terry insists he has backing of England squad. "No one trusts me enough to let me out of their sight, lest I fuck their WAG"

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  82. My aunt died when she fell into a giant bowl of Alpen. They say she got pulled under by a strong currant.





    COAT!!!!!!!!!

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  83. Following the French joining the military campaign by sending their fighter jets to Libya the French government have announced that they are raising their terror threat level. It has gone up from "Run" to "Hide". This is due to a fire destroying their white flag factory effectively paralysing the country's military capability. The only two higher levels available to them are "Collaborate" and "Surrender"

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  84. The have also raised thier alert level for recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

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  85. In other news......

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She`ll be alright, mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we`ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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  86. I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

    "You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

    To which I replied:

    "8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

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  87. In sports news.....

    David Beckham said, "I still see myself as a player".

    One affair with someone who wanked pigs on a reality TV show AND getting caught, is hardly the Casanova league, David.

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  88. mornin all, all caught up, the Citeh Snore has provoked some brilliant global insight, highly chucklesome.

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  89. all good Colch but i think at least 5 of next week's games will be 3-3. Are you gettin' some fishin' in up there?

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  90. Unfortunately not. Been inspecting subsea pipelines for one of the big oil companies. Having a good day today as we've found a World War 2 torpedo and they are trying to figure out what we should do next so we've not moved in the last 18 hours which gives me time to type shit jokes on here.

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  91. fireworks tonight then? Is it one of ours?

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  92. Not sure who's it is. Maybe it's Japanese and got carried here by the tsunami that has wiped out half of the UK

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  93. bring it home, it'll make an interesting conversation piece on the coffee table.

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  94. I think that's probably frowned upon Trott. I'll try the "finders keepers" rule with them and see how it goes.

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  95. Not sure how I'd get it on the plane home though. Wonder if they'd let me take it as hand luggage.

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  96. Colch you sound like a man who thinks the world war 2 torpedo he just found on the bottom of the sea might reactivate any second and sink his survey vessel

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  97. tie your belt around it and row home, don't they have a river in Colchester?

    ReplyDelete
  98. Very good question blog. at first glance it looks like it might be made of cheese, specifically brie, which is leading me to the conclusion it might be french but i will review the video and let you know.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Richard tap.... tap .... littlejohn...tap...tap...tap....CUNT

    Japanese babies deserve to drown because their Granada es probably a kamikaze pilot in the war....or something..

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1368594/Japanese-earthquake-tsunami-My-wifes-PoW-grandad-wouldnt-mark-minutes-silence.html

    ReplyDelete
  100. ah, I se, colch, them Damned Frenchies ARM their nuclear subs with giant cheese filled baguettes

    ReplyDelete
  101. i wouldn't put it past them blog. sneaky underhand tactics them frenchies use. and they smell of garlic.

    ReplyDelete
  102. they also arm their frigates with cheese and ham croissants. what sort of twisted mind came up with the idea of confusing the enemy by firing patisserie items at them?

    ReplyDelete
  103. reminds me of the bofors gun scandal when the Indian government realised that the guns would only fire Swedish meatballs, colch

    ReplyDelete
  104. THIS IS MORE LIKE IT BOYS NON OF THIS PRETENDING WE KNOW ABOUT FOOTBALL BOLLOCKS!

    ReplyDelete
  105. I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
    He answered, "I don't know."

    I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

    ReplyDelete
  106. You guys are on good form today. It's too early in the morning for me to make any kind of worthwhile contribution, so I'll just sit here and read.

    P.S. Colch - just strap the torpedo to the undercarriage of the plane. It worked for the Japs.

    ReplyDelete
  107. A girl was wanking me off the other day when she looked up and said, "My God, you've got an enormous penis!"

    I said, "You're pulling my leg!"

    ReplyDelete
  108. chucklechuckle

    the ref at the Vale game is named Deadman (not pulling yer leg)

    ReplyDelete
  109. and the new caretaker manager is named after Blog!
    SN^5

    ReplyDelete
  110. markmiwurdz, trotsky, if we don't win this one I'm off to hereford to set fire to the fucking mappa mundi.

    its fucking wrong anyway

    ReplyDelete
  111. I fucked a fat chick in an elevator last night.
    It was wrong on so many levels

    ReplyDelete
  112. mark grew what? another leg? vegetables?

    ReplyDelete
  113. where you hummin' a little tune Colch?

    Love In An Elevator
    Livin' it up when I'm goin' down
    Love In An Elevator
    Lovin' it up till I hit the ground

    ReplyDelete
  114. phew. the Pope gets one in Fergie time!

    ReplyDelete
  115. Morning all. So:-

    Whoever wins the league this year is a bit shit.

    Not to say they won't do some things well, but all the contenders have major flaws.

    We have been poor for most of the season. In another year we would be struggling to make top 4/5. We are making do in most games. Smalling and hernandez have done well but need a playmaker. Obviously still love scholesy but he can't do it for us every game. SAF needs to get the chequebook out.....even if it might bounce.....shhhhhhh

    AW is as much arsenals problem as the centre midfielder with bite, centre halves and goalkeeper. Brilliant manager who has taken stubbornness to a new level. Not telling anyone anything new there. Doesn't he realise if he had those positions sorted they would have won the bloody thing by now.

    Chavs are too one paced. Teams know if they defend deep then the Chavs will struggle to break them down. Chavs are good at set pieces and have got a diamond in luiz.

    Wish I could now talk about spurs as a challenger but they need another season to get used to playing CL. They have been great in Europe but inconsistent. They can't win ugly.

    Shitty are ugly. Someone wrote that dancing tried a flamboyant 8-2-0 formation out on chelsea but nah it was even more defensive than it sounds. Mancini has played it tight against all the top sides but it hasnt worked. As stubborn as AW?

    So a shit season bar Europe?

    Apologies for not considering teams in other leagues but I am ignorant to what's gone on. No time anymore, too busy working during the week and keeping the kids active on weekends so they don't turn out all flabby n stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  116. torquay! stevenage! they're not proper teams..founded 1876, and with s proud record of having played more seasons in the second tier of English football (41) than any other club who have never reached the top tier, surely port vale should ne automatically promoted out of respect?

    ReplyDelete
  117. thanks for the commentary trott I forgot they were playing. actually I forgot they weren't a soap opera

    good to see you back scholsey and that your kids arent fat. yet.

    COLCH! encore!

    happy days. BOOOOIIINNNGGGG!

    ReplyDelete
  118. after vale went bust before the war, they returned as Leeds ..... in 1919, vale took over the fixture list and all results up to that point, of Leeds City in the Second Division, who were kicked out for financial irregularities.....ken bates grndad bought it back for a tanner

    Leeds are still the only team to have been kicked out mid season. strangely the same thing nearly happened to us in 1968, for the same reasons

    ReplyDelete
  119. Jose: I’m coming back to England


    Port Vale post is abailababble, Jose .....development potential... great pies ... intimate crowd environment .... panoramic views of Burslem ... wages probably in excess of £65k p.a.

    ReplyDelete
  120. Arsenal have agreed a £220,000 deal for Hertha Berlin defender Leander Siemann, 15, after he impressed on trial at the club in February.
    ------------------------------------------------

    There you go Arsenal fans. Problem solved.

    ReplyDelete
  121. Jose who? Cuervo? mornin' all.

    ReplyDelete
  122. Thats right Trotts. he is after all the Especiale one.

    You lot are on fire this morning..havent had this much to read on the blog for a long time. we need to keep sending colch on deep sea treasure hunts.

    I see pakistan making kheema naan of the poor west indies in the first quarter final. i was hoping to see a decent run from the WI this time, i fear is might be the end of cricketing interest in that part of the world.

    ReplyDelete
  123. AH,

    WI have raw talent. They need some coaching too and need to work on mental aspect of the game. Apart from Shiv, no one else has played at this stage in any big tournament. With experience they will mature and provide a better display.

    ReplyDelete
  124. WI all out for 112. Poor Shiv could'nt complete half century in what could be his last WC match.

    ReplyDelete
  125. In what could be his last ODI match.

    ReplyDelete
  126. The Premier League will oppose moves to reintroduce standing areas at top-flight football matches in England.

    The Football Supporters' Federation (FSF) is to launch an online petition calling for the return of standing areas in the top two divisions.

    But Premier League spokesman Dan Johnson said: "Our view is that the benefits of all-seater stadia far outweigh the return of standing areas."
    ------------

    The fuckers, I for one would love to see the terraces back.

    But the thing is, I guess, apart from a handfull clubs, most would struggle to fill em to any meaningful capacity.


    read..
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/12830836.stm

    ReplyDelete
  127. Wales boss Gary Speed has drafted in musical beauty Courtenay Hamilton - Miss Wales 2010 - to help his team learn the national anthem ahead of their Euro 2012 qualifier against England on Saturday.

    ----------------------------

    he's also bring in a herd of sheep to make the younger players more aware with the welsh culture and values

    ReplyDelete
  128. Afternoon all

    Outraged that I am still so busy at work that haven't had time to lurk, let alone post but both these links made me laugh a lot (admittedly I am somewhat immature)

    www.thesun.co.uk/.../Rude-words-spelt-with-spice-pots-on-supermaket-shelves.html







    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf9WNMqENiA&feature=player_embedded


    Chat soon

    ReplyDelete
  129. kicked out mid season.. thats for pussies, we remain the only team to have actualy gone in to liquidation during a season, hardcore in the shot we are...

    and blogseph, my posts aren't that rare, and i'll tell you why on my return to the blog in AD2313.

    ReplyDelete
  130. Oh yeah... ashot: 4 wins on the bounce, thats run of biblical proportions... you know that bit in the bible where jesus and st peter are playing world cup willies doubles and they made it through to the semis, but then lost out on pens to the romans, poncho pilot was ref, turned down an appeal for a pen after jesus was taken down in the box. needless to say JC was left feeling cross. he had the last laugh though by turning ponchos wine in to piss, by drinking it and then pissing, a ritual still practiced to this day. Needless to say Jesus was left feeling cross...

    (oh and to keep the value of my posts up this is from the future, so it don't count yet... advice for the future, trust the chinks and iphones give you face aids)

    ReplyDelete
  131. i used to spend all day, tapping F5 to keep up to date with this blog. if no one was posting i'd have one man conversations about pies or darts or jibberish... then i started my own blog and spent all day writing guff whilst scanning back to this blog and chatting away like a madman yo any one unfortunate enough to be present. Crazy days.


    In many ways the redundancy wasn't so surprising.

    ReplyDelete
  132. we boooooooooing all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  133. RBA, we all are waiting for your next blog.

    ReplyDelete
  134. were pakistan really THAT good today or are they just working around for a bigger kickback to go out the next match?

    ReplyDelete
  135. Afternoon all. Decided after yesterdays outpouring of garbage I would today return to a subject I know nothing about....football. I've had a go on that BBC sport predictor and have got Wigan, Wolves and Villa will go down (and my predictions are always right). Also have manged to get Blackpool finishing in 9th. Sent in my CV to the Blackpool chairman to day to see if he wants me to take over for the rest of the season.

    ReplyDelete
  136. Never mind all that Colch. What did you do with the torpedo?

    ReplyDelete
  137. We're not allowed to call it a torpedo anymore. They're insisting we call it an "unexplained object" instead. I hate fucking company politics. Call a spade a spade you pricks. We left it where it was and are heading back to have another look to try and remove it. SHould be fun.

    ReplyDelete
  138. So anyway. Football is brilliant. My football bets last night were funcking rubbish. Nuff said. And I hate Mick McCarthy. And I don't really like Heather Mills McCartney much either.

    Now then children. Who do you hate?

    ReplyDelete
  139. I hate Richard Littlejohn the c*nt.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1368594/Japanese-earthquake-tsunami-My-wifes-PoW-grandad-wouldnt-mark-minutes-silence.html

    ReplyDelete
  140. Oprah..there I said it. Let the divorce proceedings begin.

    ReplyDelete
  141. mostly redundant said...
    I hate Richard Littlejohn the c*nt.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1368594/Japanese-earthquake-tsunami-My-wifes-PoW-grandad-wouldnt-mark-minutes-silence.html
    -----------------------------------------------
    'Bells..for future reference, this is how you provide a friggin link that others can use, not something like this that wont work.

    BLUEHELLSBELLS said...
    www.thesun.co.uk/.../Rude-words-spelt-with-spice-pots-on-supermaket-shelves.html

    My curiosity was so peaked, I had to google it to find out. Even my employers have been unable to get so much effort out of me before lunch.

    ReplyDelete
  142. I'd also like to add the following people to the list of people I hate.....

    John Terry, Ashley Cole, Wayne Rooney, Alex Ferguson, Esther Rantzen, Jeremy Kyle (and all the guests on his show), Joey Barton, Lee Hughes, Kermit the Frog (little green twat), Didier Drogba, Gary Neville, Paul Lambert, Aidy Boothroyd, my ex-wife

    ReplyDelete
  143. ..... tery wogan, chris evans, grant holt, gary barlow, trevor mcdonald, anyone who isn't scottish but wears a kilt, the french, the germans, the italians, tony blair, david cameron, rio ferdinand, tony the tiger, rafa benitez, jose mourinho (just to annoy BHB), ronaldo (all of them with that name), peppa pig, norman price (from fireman sam), arsene wenger

    ReplyDelete
  144. kermit, and norman? You're lucky my 2 year old doesnt have a gun. She will probably buy one and hunt you down if you add Dora the explorer to that list.

    ReplyDelete
  145. ........clive sinclair, diego maradona, clint eastwood, everyone in star trek (apart from 7 of 9) and star wars, everyone that likes star trek or star wars, nani, blog's nan (but only coz she ate a rhino), lionel messi, snoopy, willy wonka, roadrunner, jermaine defoe, adolf hitler and the kid at my school that punctured my football with a knife when i was 7 (i cried for days, i loved that football)

    ReplyDelete
  146. Norman Price and his mother both deserve to be executed at dawn though.

    ReplyDelete
  147. If the government are looking to make cuts to public services I think they should start with the Pontypandy fire service. Look Norman Price in a young offenders institute and you'd only need Sam to look after the rest of the call outs. Get rid of Elvis and Officer Steele (but keep Penny for the eye candy) and you've halved the cost of running that fire station. Imagine that multiplied across the country. You could save millions of pounds simply by cutting fictional characters out of childrens tv programmes.

    ReplyDelete
  148. To be fair to blog I can't remember if he said his nan ate a rhino or swallowed a rhino which could be a totally different thing. After the "donkey botherers" from Blackpool we could now have the "rhino pleasurer" from Port Vale. We demand an answer blog, does your nan go around fellating rhinos?

    ReplyDelete
  149. peppa pig and dora???

    i am not the only one who is plagued by the evils of Nick Jnr then...



    Booooooooooooing!

    ReplyDelete
  150. if they call it an "unexplained object" in the paperwork and it explodes then they won't have to admit that they sent you back to look at anunstable, undetonated, highly explosive torpedo and the loved ones you leave behind when your carcas is in a million little pieces all over the ocean floor (until it becomes fish food) will never get a straight answer nor the millions of quid that's due to them in compensation.

    ReplyDelete
  151. Afternoon RBA. It's one of the downsides of having kids, along with changing nappies and the fact they cost you a fucking fortune. Cartoonito is the favourite in my house at the minute, Fireman Sam, Waybuloo and Driver Dan's Story Train.

    ReplyDelete
  152. ColchesterFC said...
    We demand an answer blog, does your nan go around fellating rhinos? '
    ------------------------------

    And is that the real reason she got banned form Colchester zoo?

    ReplyDelete
  153. Have you guys been initiated to a really shite but inexplicably popular Aussie kids show called the wiggly waffles or some such rubbish?

    ReplyDelete
  154. my nan's from stoke colch so youre obviously confusing her with your wife

    ReplyDelete
  155. Evening blog. Apologies to your nan. While i would like to claim to be hung like a rhino unfortunately i'm not. However since the divorce i am sure my ex-wife has climbed on board the odd large one to make up for my lack of inches.

    ReplyDelete
  156. Afternoon.

    If you think that your kiddies tv is bad, then imagine the same shit but then dubbed in dutch. Niclelodeon, Nick Jr, Cartoon Network, Disney XD etc, etc, all dubbed and as far as I can gather there are only about four people who actually do the voiceovers so all the shows sound the same. Mindnumblingly bad.

    ReplyDelete
  157. Is there a big demand for the Cartoon Network from the Dungheap regualrs H2?

    ReplyDelete
  158. Ze germans do the same dubbing shite.

    There are about 5 people doing voice overs for the whole of HollyWood and it is damn awfull.

    Luckily, there are cinemas that show films in original voice and thankgod for internet that all the tv is available through one-click hosts.

    ReplyDelete
  159. ColchesterFC said...

    Is there a big demand for the Cartoon Network from the Dungheap regualrs H2?
    23 March 2011 17:09
    -------------

    cant answer for the dungheap regulars but have you ever watched cartoons while drunk and/or high?

    The meaning of life and all that become soo clear.

    ReplyDelete
  160. I think you've answered the question unitentionally there Spit as I assume most of the Dungheap regulars are "drunk and/or high" most of the time. You know what those crazy dutch are like (say the last sentence in a steve mclaren dutch accent)

    ReplyDelete
  161. Not much Colch, but there's a ten year old lass here who kinda still likes them.

    Spit, I agree, a joint and an episode of Cow and Chicken (not dubbed) can indeed help you unravel the mysteries of being.

    As for the dubbing, it's a pretty new phenomenen here and luckily it's limited to kiddies tv and movies. Germany is much worse, those guys dub everything. I had a German girlfriend who always argued that James Bond sounded better in her native tongue, so I had no choice but to kill her. (don't tell anyone)

    ReplyDelete
  162. Sports Minister Hugh Robertson says the Government will consider reintroducing standing areas at top-level football matches - 21 years after Lord Justice Taylor recommended terracing should be outlawed in the wake of the Hillsborough disaster.
    Full story: the Guardian
    ----
    It works in Germany and they didn't even have to dub anything.

    ReplyDelete
  163. yep, the opposition to terraces is a disgrace.

    went a bundesliga game last season.

    Entry to terrace. 9€
    Beer, delivered to you. 4€
    Smoking allowed.


    Makes me thing, it would have been netter had the jap sunami reached britain.

    OR, Colch, can we hope your torpedo (the one you found under water and NOT the one you'd claim to carry around) obliterate the godforsaken hell for footy fans they call blighty?

    ReplyDelete
  164. you VILL remove your dress miss galore

    ReplyDelete
  165. I have a cunning plan to call a meeting of FIFA, UEFA and the FA and get them all in one room together. While they are debating goal line technology and why Sepp Blatter is such a prick I will sneak the torpedo under the building and blow them up. I plan to do this on 5th November at the houses of parliament (I borrowed that bit from guy fawkes)

    ReplyDelete
  166. I wonder if Otto Goldfinger had an English accent in the German version?

    ReplyDelete
  167. Whatever accent he had it wouldn't be worse than Sean Connery's in The Hunt for Red October

    ReplyDelete
  168. I play my Dick Van Dyke's english accent in Mary Poppin's Top Trump Card on your Sean Connery,Colch

    ReplyDelete
  169. Does it have a horror rating of 95 MR ?

    ReplyDelete
  170. Haahaa...Top Trump ..the good old days.

    ReplyDelete
  171. I think you'll find it's called Top Trumps AH. Top Trump is an altogether different and more childish game

    ReplyDelete
  172. It is indeed Top Trumps Colch. I was the proud owner of the off-road car thingy and the horror one where the Prince Of Darkness (didnt realize at the time that it was blatter) trumped pretty much everyone else. What on earth is/was Top Trump? Thats what Ivana know.

    ReplyDelete
  173. AH - it's the Wiggles ain't it? they're on TV down here alot. They look VERY dodgy. Apparently they used to be a band. That's as much as I know on the subject.

    I had the motorbike Top Trumps and a Harley Electra Glide beat everything. I preferred the footie stickers which had a bit of info on the back and you could play Top Trumps with them. Kevin Keegan - Perm = 5 etc. etc.

    ReplyDelete
  174. Big day here. 1 billion nervous people on the streets, on TV and everywhere. What will happen? Will Sach score 100th ton? Will Zaheer get his redemption? Yuvi & Harbhajan are sure fired up for this one.

    GO India!!!

    ReplyDelete
  175. Good thing you just posted that SS! According to my ICC World Cup schedule, it's England v Sri Lanka today. I'd best go and change my captain from Sangakarra to Tendulkar.

    ReplyDelete
  176. Or Watson. And Go Australia!!!

    ReplyDelete
  177. Noel, Yep true. Getting Watson and Ponting out early is the key. And need to see out the threat of Lee in bowling. It will be closely fought and very tough game for both sides.

    ReplyDelete
  178. England under-21 manager Stuart Pearce is to risk the wrath of Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger and Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish by calling up Gunners midfielder Jack Wilshere and Reds striker Andy Carroll for the Under-21 European Championship this summer.
    --------------------------------

    I am sure you'll all agree, it would be utter bonkers of him to do so.

    ReplyDelete
  179. The Professional Footballers' Association and the Football Association have launched an investigation into footage posted online that appears to show Port Vale defender Exodus Geohaghon being racially abused by his own fans.
    --------------------------

    I am sure blog wont be real pleased with THIS particular 'development'

    ReplyDelete
  180. dont matter if its black or white, spit. if its true its inexcuseable and i guess he'll be off now. pity he looks a good player

    exodus by name, exodus by nature - he's one of the biblical characters brought in on loan by the hapless gannon who'll be forever remembered for Busgate

    on loan we've now got pope, exodus, ezekiel, moses, leviticus, genesis, leviathan at centre half, they've all got Numbers on their backs and they're all a bit Tobit and even the tea ladies he brought in are called esther and judith. supporters need the patience of Job etc etc etc

    im afraid, spit, it is true that stoke has more than its fair share of small minded idiot racists.

    until recently they had a bnp mayor and the cinemas only showed the german dubbed versions of 007 Adolf Bond : Live and Let Massacre, Dr Nein,Schweinhund; A View to a Massacre; On His Fuhrers Secret Service; License to Massacre; The reich never Dies and Massacre another Day

    ReplyDelete
  181. Wales suffer Gareth Bale injury blow ahead of England

    ----

    pity i was looking forward to seeing micah richards sit on his head

    ReplyDelete
  182. Shame about Bale, I am looking forward to see Wilshire vs. Ramsey.

    ReplyDelete
  183. I can't believe it. Me and my girlfriend were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked into the house and took all our Mr Sheen!

    Bloody Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish

    ReplyDelete