Monday, 18 July 2011

Clarkey of the Course



Look golf is a stupid game. I’ve never liked it, not least cos it is the one sport that makes me violent in the extreme. I reckon I could make a decent cage-fighter if I went straight into the ring following a windswept nine holes.

To me, golf is one of them weird ritualised sanctuaries of the middle class. Like Waitrose. Or Cafe Bastard Rouge. It’s all Pringle sweaters and business chit-chat; the sort of place where comfortable finance directors discuss Audi TTs and share-prices while tutting over their bifocals cos I’ve been playing in me trainers.

There’s never a decent ale on tap and the only totty represented there still seems to be the middle-aged wife of the treasurer heaving herself around behind the bar with all the alacrity of a hibernating bear with arthritis.

To me, golf clubs are just a sinister cover for a heinous scheme to clone Peter Alliss. Shudder.

So it comes of a bit of a surprise when someone wins a golf tournament and I end up with tears in me eyes.

As I say, golf is a loveless pursuit. For every decent strike there’s a dozen evil twists of fate that make you feel like you'd happily rotivate every mother-fecking piece of turf that ever played host to a pimpled ball and chuck it into the back garden of a Hebridean crofter to fuel his peat-fired aga for the rest of his bleeding days.

But Darren Clarke, eh? Has there been a more welcome winner of anything in the past few decades? Really?

Even putting aside the personal tragedy the bloke’s endured, here’s a man who visibly enjoys his life. In this era of dietary fascism, where pastry is the devil’s work and a deep-fried bread-crumbed piece of flesh can only be eaten responsibly if some supermarket think-tank has labelled it a ‘goujon’, here we have a sportsman whose chosen method of perambulation is the lumber. That’s when he’s not grinning through the fug of a cheerful B&H, or gabbling happily over a third Guinness.

Put simply, he’s a bit like you and me is Darren. Twenty years he’s been cuffing a white dot through the gorse and grass of Britain’s links, and somehow smiling through it. Up until now, you’d have thought that his greatest triumph was the heart-tugging holing out at the K Club in Ireland to secure the Ryder Cup in 2006 – all in the wake of the death of wife Heather, who unsurprisingly was as popular a golf wife as ever there was.

Of course what made the victory even sweeter was the fact that you spent the whole day waiting for him to fall away. There were much more heralded players who had already ducked under the Open canvass for a sheltered weekend.

I’m not sure Lee Westwood will win a major. There’s something about his humble demeanour and that Agassi-style waddle that never quite convinces. And the new world number one Luke Donald looked as happy in the wind and rain as a Royal Ascot debutante.

Clarke though has spent his last few months back in Northern Ireland and I dunno about you but every time I’ve looked at the weather forecast recently I’ve been half expecting to see the province relocated somewhere in the North Sea such has been the crapness of their weather.

People say that links golf is a bit of a lottery, and maybe fortune plays its part there more than say the manicured and preposterously fake technicolor avenues of some of them American courses, where even the water hazards are dyed blue to convince the homeys that they’re real.

To be fair, the Americans were dogged at this tournament and at one point yesterday it seemed inevitable that Mickelson, wielding his club like an expert whittler, was going to storm past even the Ulster Teddy Bear and lift the jug himself.

One word for you son - haircut

At one point you thought that the young lad Ricky Fowler – impossibly not yet the name of an EastEnders character and dressed like a camp Blackpool fan – would get back in it.

Then there was the little-known American (to me any road) who looked destined to grab the trophy. The lad Dustin could certainly drive a ball further than I could a car. But thankfully he carved one out of bounds, as if recognising that to deny Clarkey would’ve been an act of pure villainy. Let’s face it none of us have forgiven Stewart Cink for denying Tom Watson – a man who has a turtleneck even when he’s not wearing that style of sweater - his victory in 2009, the slap-headed God-fearing git.

And so, as if moving to the strains of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ (walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain), the Ulsterman strode on mightily and wonderfully.

I heard him in a press conference this morning. He’d had no sleep, he was slurring with emotion and no doubt booze. He wasn’t quite the staggering pisshead that was Freddie Flintoff in 2005, but he wasn’t far off.

Great sporting boozers of our time

Today he goes back home to Portrush to be with his two lads. He’s got a fiancée n all, and she’s easy on the eye, I reckon.

Nah, it’s hard to believe but sometimes the right people win. It’s not always the narrow-eyed cold-blooded egomaniacs that lift sport’s greatest prizes. Not only were we partisan Brits delighted that the transatlantic threat was extinguished, so was every other golfer that walked the course this weekend.

Of course this means three Northern Irishmen have won a golf major in the last 13 months. The R&A are looking at maybe hosting a future Open in the province. Mate it’s the least you can do. Apart from anything else, a good old gale and the odd bit of horizontal hail doesn’t do the chances of our doughiest players any harm at all.

And yet despite all this, I’m still not going to my local pitch n putt this week. Cos golf is, as I say, the stupidest of games.

245 comments:

  1. Top man Top Blog

    DubaiBlue

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  2. Oh first....

    DubaiBlue

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  3. Congratulations to Darren Clarke. Maybe Andy Murray should take a few lessons from him on playing with a smile on his face. That way maybe more people would like the miserable Scottish twat.

    Colch.

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  4. I've been looking at the figures and have worked out that it is only 18 days, 6 hours and 45 minutes (or 26325 minutes) until the football league season kicks off (Friday 5th August, 19-45). That means that at an average of 4 minutes injury time added onto a match it is only 6581.25 periods of referee added time until we get back to some proper sport.

    Colch

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  5. Or to look at it another way, the average person sleeps 8 hours a night. That means you can deduct 144 hours or 8640 minutes from that total. So that leaves 17685 waking minutes or just 4421.25 periods of referee added time until the return of football.

    Colch

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  6. Sometimes I think I'm talking to myself. And other times I think I have too much time on my hands.

    Colch

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  7. Oh and 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th

    Colch

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  8. in response to AH

    I think Aquilani was a bit harshly treated to begin with but I can't see how he will get in the side with Lucas, Hendesron, Gerrard and Adam in the way.

    It will be interesting to see how KD sets the team up as Adam and Henderson could end up doing a lot of bench warming.

    Ife he pushes Gerrard up to support a main striker then Suarez and Kuyt will be looking at a fair amount of benchtime.

    1 soilution could be 4-1-2-1-2 which would allow him to deploy Lucas as a holding player and Henderson and Adam in front of him with Gerrard in a roaming role but would give a lack of width that the Geordie ponytail would find problematic

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  9. Well done Robbo, you seem to be very knowledgable about a sport you deem silly. Me, I havn't got a clue what you were banging on about nor did I recognise many of the names......

    Still good stuff though.

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  10. I watched the womens WC final last night, what an excellent game, exciting until the end. I'm not afraid to admit that I thoughorly enjoyed the whole tournament which was extreamly well organised by ze Germans.

    Compared to the mens competition there was hardly any play acting, cheating or basic dirty play in most matches, the lasses just got on with playing the game, a lesson that the guys would do well to learn.

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  11. If you missed the Arsenal friendly in China over the weekend then you probaly didn't get to see this excellent banner;

    http://tomwebster25.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/barca.jpg?w=510&h=105

    Go China Gooners!!

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  12. Great post, hilarious. The funniest thing I've read online in donkey's. My favourite point is the despair and anguish that creeps in around "cafe bastard rouge". I really do agree that the English middle class are a fucking strange bunch. Well done Robbo.

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  13. Why Modric wants to leave;

    http://www.talksport.co.uk/sites/default/files/imagecache/ts_magazine_big_picture/modric%20transfer%20request.jpg

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  14. Aston Villa lead Juventus and Liverpool in the race to sign Fiorentina's 27-year-old winger Juan Manuel Vargas.
    Full story: Footie-online.co.uk

    ======
    Alphabetically?

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  15. Great Modric link H2H

    Hope Spurs keep him (or sell him to Utd) to really annoy Abramovic

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  16. If "alphabetically" is right, H2, why has Jagielka apparently decided to reject the Gooners to stay at Everton?

    Good sense?

    Jedi

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  17. Happy Birthday to Mrs PSB Adam.

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  18. Jedi - one suspects that Jagielka reckons that Everton can finish above Arsenal this season and steal that last Europa League spot through the Fair Play League

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  19. Thabks you Jacks and please extend manuy happy returns to your good lady also

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  20. i had a vw golf once. blue. 1300. good car, nice clunck when you closed the doors but third gear went and i had to scrap it.

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  21. I certainly will not extend manu happy returns Adam,but I'll accept it was an FBH typing course moment.....

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  22. indeed it was - that'll be the third refund he owes me on that ridiculous course

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  23. Enjoy: http://footytu.be/v1to8

    for penalty fun, scroll over to 22nd minute

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  24. Adam..KD will not have any such problems and can comfortably play 4-4-2 (or 5-3-2 as he sometimes does), with no one really warming the benches given that only half of them are going to be fit enough to play at any given point in time.

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  25. Haha..the brazil penalty shootout is just hilarious. Even Capello's team could never be that bad.

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  26. Oh..and colch thanks for letting us know a new blog was up..adam and I would probably have been talking to ourselves forever on the old one.

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  27. Robbo, great Blog on the ordinary man, albeit wirh a metal stick in his hand, NI, world capital of golf

    and H2, thanks for all the rain on thursday, 2 canxd flights and 18 hrs later got home to blighty, no probs today getting back to HH

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  28. Villa confirm signing of Given on a 5 year contract.

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  29. Great blog Robbo - like you I reckon golf is a heinous waste of good countryside, but you can't help but like Clarkey can you?
    Oh, btw, there was a round on the River Tees & Middlesbrough on University Challenge tonight. No, really, there was!

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  30. Roger
    I know, I got all the answers right, as I,m sure FBH did if he wasnt in the pub

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  31. any one watching Breaking Bad?

    Good telly.

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  32. i try not to watch tv spit, ever since i did acid and all the little men and women jumped out of the tv and started running around the room.

    scarey.

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  33. http://www.wsc.co.uk/content/view/7419/38/

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  34. tevez - he captain chaos, no?

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  35. the best thing tevez has done during his stay in ingerland is call g. neville a sock sucker.

    he also played some footy.

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  36. jacks, your piece on European Football.

    I wish it were only restricted to the champions of each member league.

    this would obviously lead to a more prestigious competition with far fewer games.

    and herein lies the problem.

    far fewer games mean far fewer games on telly, far fewer stadia to have been inspected and certified by uefa, far fewer incompetent refs, far fewer fuck ups and far fewer bucks in eufa's coffers.


    we'll never have that.

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  37. http://swissramble.blogspot.com/2011/07/manchester-citys-incredible-deal-know.html

    A long but well researched and properly written blog on City's new sponsorship deal. Well worth a read.

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  38. Always a good read is the Rambler, Spit. Even though he is a n Arsenal fan he always gives an unbiased and objective opinion.

    Jedi, I am not prive to the inner workings of Jageilka's thought process, so I have no idea why he alledgedly turned down a move.

    Tone, I wish I could control the weather, then I wouldn't have had to swim to the shops over the last week (nevrer seen so much rain in July) Ah well, the sun is shining today, I'll try to get some hay making activities in.

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  39. Jageilka: isnt he over 28 Earth Solar Years of age?

    No way Wenger is gonna bid for him. OR if he were to, over 5 million. Everton wouldnt agree.

    Perhaps he likes Liverpool better than London.

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  40. Spitfire said...

    http://swissramble.blogspot.com/2011/07/manchester-citys-incredible-deal-know.html
    ----------------------
    Nice captions after every pic. Especially the last one for the greatest Man City twat of all time ==>> Balotelli. Hahahaha

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  41. Rupert Murdoch punched at the inquiry.

    Good.

    Denis Potter died of a cancer he named "rupert"

    He's no better than Maxwell. Worse.

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  42. Good blog Robbo, although I couldnt care less about golf myself, i can appreciate the good job you did given what you had to work with in the absence of footy,

    --BeeZee

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  43. oh and I concur with you on Breaking Bad spit, not a classic but good tv indeed

    --BeeZee

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  44. Great blog Robbo -Darren Clarke top man - shoe in for Sports Personality 2011 if there is any justice. BTW His new fiancee is Alison Camplbell - I think a former Miss N Ireland. She has runa model agency for many years - seems a lovely girl.
    Big Darren won it easily in the end - stuff of legends!

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  45. G'day all

    Tennis one week, golf the next... what's the next meaningless blog going to be about for fucks sake.... how about Royal Tennis.

    Breaking Bad wasn't a bad show but I'd had enough by the end of series 3.

    I'm watching The Wire at the moment, a bit behind the times, I know.

    Seems that Murdoch's wife did the punching Blog and not on Rupert but on some guy that threw shaving cream at them. http://blog.beliefnet.com/on_the_front_lines_of_the_culture_wars/2011/07/spectator-hits-rupert-murdoch-with-shaving-cream-gets-punched-by-mrs-murdoch.html. When the shaving cream gets thrown you can hear somebody say, it's an outrage... the only outrageous part was that the shaving cream missed the little prick... but Murdoch's misses gives a good account of herself.

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  46. One of the benefits of havings lots of dosh.

    http://www.businessinsider.com/wendi-murdoch-rupert-murdoch-attacked-2011-7

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  47. I have nothing against age difference in relationships although when one of the pair is 16 and the other is 51 I think its a bit screwed up. Then again, going by the pics I'd say she was closer to 36 than 16 but maybe she's had a hard 16 years. Anyway, judge for yourself, if you can be arsed.

    http://www.businessinsider.com/lost-actor-teenage-bride-interview-video-2011-7

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  48. if someone had shoved a pie into Maxwells face he would have eaten it the fat bastard

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  49. Maybe somebody could arrange a boat trip for Murdoch.

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  50. I've said it before and I'll say it again, golf is shite.

    Interesting link that Spits. While I was initially excited about these Fair Play regulations creating an even playing field, it's becoming more and more apparent that clubs will always find a way around them which will limit the impact on the rules. If it was FIFA running them, then I'd hold no hope as a simple brown envelope with a slight bulge in it would make any club's problems disappear, so I have to hope that UEFA are a little more strict.

    I know that you can make statistics say whatever you want them to say, but it was an interesting graph showing the average attendances as a percentage of capacity. Whilst Spurs only have the 8th or 9th highest capacity at White Hart Lane, they have a close to 100% attendance rate, making the move to a new stadium, or a doubling of capacity at the present site (pretty tough when it's as closed in as it is) vital to the club's development.

    There was a good blog on the BBC about Mark Cavendish yesterday. Not sure anyone would find it interesting on here apart from Jacks. Then it was ruined by the comments section.

    Noel

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  51. Ar***al fans correct me if I am wrong... our biggest problems in the past couple of years has been in the GK position and defence. So far this season the only signing of note has been a striker... now it is rumoured that we are after Frank Ribery. WTF?... I thought we would have shown more urgency in securing a CB or two by now, maybe even a half decent GK.

    I reckon if the gunners win fuck all this season, Wenger is on his way... maybe that is why he is willing to gamble on Nasri, thinking that he could take him to his next club and would cost SFA.

    Noel, unless that bulge in the envelope is a cheque, it'll need to be a bloody lot bigger than slight to get some of the PL clubs problems to disappear.

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  52. Bo, I was thinking the exact same thing when Given signed for Villa. I thought that young keeper did alright last season, but the chance for Arsenal to get Shay Given for a few seasons was surely too good an opportunity to be missed? Although I am a bit suspect that no-one else seemed to come in for him. Why did 'Arry go for Friedel when Given was available?

    I'm not sure about the size of the envelope's for FIFA, Bo. If Jack Warner was only offering 20k for a World Cup vote, then they're obviously not too fussy about the size of the bribe.

    Noel

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  53. The thing about Given, he's not as good as you might think.

    Yes, he's better than Almunia but given the choice, I'd rather have Czesney in goal.

    Besides, do you think City will sell to one of their rivals in the league standing?

    Reason why 'arry went for Friedel and not Given.

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  54. Bo,

    transfer rumours are rumours.

    transfer rumours involving arsenal are even more so.

    When was the last time under wenger that they made any of their transfer dealings public untill it was pen on paper by all involved and even after that, you'd rarely find out the exact price paid for any transfer.

    well, apart from the frees.

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  55. I read the Cav blog Noel.There are some real tools that comment on the BBC sections.

    The 2 that really get on my wick are Football_UK and MrBlueBurns.Pair of know it all smart arses.

    Looking to see Cadel and The Clenbuterol Kid do more damage to the whiny Schlek brothers today.

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  56. Heading back to the UK tonight in time for the first test, end of the tour & start of the football season.

    Perfect timing me thinks

    DubaiBlue

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  57. Jacks.

    As a fellow tractor boy, Chopra's not having a bad pre season, how confident are you, I think we still need to sort the back 4 out.

    DubaiBlue

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  58. I may regret saying this DubaiBlue,but I feel pretty confident about the coming season.Chopra was a great buy,he's a 20 goal a season man in The Championship.I know Bowyer is a tosser,but again he's got too much (footballing) class for The Championship.One of my customers is a Reading fan and he was gutted to lose Ingimarsson (sp?)

    I think Paul Jewell is an excellent replacement for Voldemort,sorry R*y K***e,and a play off place is the minimum to expect this year.

    Leicester and Wet Spam to be the favourites for the top 2 I think.

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  59. Totally agree Jacks, certainly the way Erikkson has been throwing the cash about they have to be favourites.

    I just hope that we are there or there abouts come May anything to try and keep the budgie tweeting to a resonable level.

    I still think PJ needs to bring in a couple more at least though

    DubaiBlue

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  60. DB, at least you have a back four to sort out.

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  61. Bo.

    I think all we need in that department is a left back, right back, at least one central defender.

    Other than that we are in good shape

    DubaiBlue

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  62. Carlos Tevez's move from Manchester City to Corinthians has fallen through because the Brazilian club pulled out.
    ---

    you'd pull out too, if you knew what ugly mug will be staring at you if you dont.

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  63. DubaiBlue...

    http://www.greenun24.co.uk/ipswich-town/triple_transfer_rejection_for_jewell_1_968809

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  64. Thanks for that Jacks, Whittingham probably the one out of the three I would have liked.

    DubaiBlue

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  65. http://www.7days.ae/article/sports/football/paying-penalty-28444

    Thinks he has been smoking too much shisha.

    DubaiBlue

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  66. http://putthison.com/post/7816993264/thanks-patrick

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  67. Jacks
    I cant see Wet Spam doing anything much this year except going into admin and league 1. Its a much longer harder season in the Championship than in the Telly League theyve just fallen out of. Theres established teams like Cardiff, Forest and Reading. Plus Birmingham will be a big challenge and even Pompey might pull their finger out. However this year it is the mighty Leeds United who will be laying waste to everyone else.
    Well only it wont be because we are currently carrying on like the Arsenal and are selling off our decent players and not bother signing anyone to replace them.
    Come on Ken, get that wallet out you miserable shit-bearded stinking old goat

    Korgull

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  68. Korgul,

    Don't want to burst your bubble.

    But....

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/14214052.stm

    DubaiBlue

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  69. 1232: FOOTBALL - Chelsea Football Club on Twitter: "Ashley Cole just scored with his right foot, and made no secret of it to his team-mates. Rare sighting, that.
    --------------------------------------------------
    He seems not bad at scoring with other parts of his body also....

    DubaiBlue

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  70. I think the word you might be looking for there DB is "allegedly"

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  71. Retract previous comment replace with

    He seems not bad scoring with other parts of body also ALLEGEDLY

    DubaiBlue

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  72. For the luv of God robbo ,go hack som fones and get us some proper articles.golf is shit!!!!!!

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  73. Denilson joins Brazilian side Sao Paulo on loan for the 2011/12 season

    ---

    good for both parties.

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  74. Aston Villa manager Alex McLeish has asked all the club's northern-based players, including recently signed goalkeeper Shay Given, to relocate to Birmingham.
    Full story: Daily Mirror

    ====
    All the southern based players already told him to go do one.

    Didn't Houlier want the same thing?

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  75. Good stuff Robbo, except the bit about golf being crap, golf is brilliant! Long live golf. I love golf, me. Especially 5 day trips to sunny destinations with pussy-packed pubs. It's a far more elitist game here than it is in the States, mind (yes, I'm here and will be testing the back on the links of Ormskirk this Friday).

    ok, back to Arsenal.

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  76. You make it sound good, Trotts, not so sure about the cat friendly bars though.

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  77. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  78. North London rivals Arsenal and Tottenham will battle it out to sign 18-year-old Nepalese defender Rohit Chand, who plays for Indian First Division side Hindustan Aeronautics Limited (HAL) SC, reports talkSPORT.
    -------------------------------------------
    I'll bet SS had something to do with this. A quick call to Arsene with a view to solving their defensive problems.
    -------------------------------------------
    Cardiff City are poised to complete a season-long loan deal for SK Slovan Bratislava midfielder Filip Kiss.
    ----------
    Really? Kiss? This is just made for folks like H2 and blogidy to get going.

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  79. A Gurkha can be trusted to provide defence, we all know that...
    I bet, give our record in defence acquisitions under Wenger, a Gherkin is more likely to put off an attacking opponent heading goal wards.

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  80. The only hole I ever enjoyed when I played that silly game was the 19th. Mark Twain got it right when he was asked his thoughts on golf, he said "It's a good walk spoiled"

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  81. failed joke revoked
    off to get saucer of milk

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  82. Stayed up late to watch the 17th stage of the Tour lastnight, and will have a few more late nights over the next few days as they head through the Alps. Can't help but be pissed off that the Schleks managed to catch Alberto lastnight - Andy has pissed me off all Tour. He just seems content to sit behind Alberto knowing that after Contador's crashes on the first few stages, he has a lead over him, so all he has to do is match him stage for stage. That's showing a lack of respect to Cadel and Voeckler, as well as being a pretty piss poor way to win a Grand Tour, if he does so. My rider of the Tour so far has to be that Pierre Roland guy from Europcar who has been side by side with Voeckler on every climb, and looking pretty relaxed about the whole thing too.

    John Terry has taken a leaf out of Xavi's book it seems after yesterday saying he'd like Modric to come and play at Chelsea, and then saying that it'd be disrespectful to Spurs to talk about it though. So why talk about it then, you cunt.

    Noel

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  83. mornin' Lads. I quite liked the Arsenal back Fore joke Blog, and I read it long after my happy tablet had worn off.

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  84. I come in peace, trott and don't want to offend anyone least of all a top blogonaut like yourself . hope you're having a good and relatively pain free stay in the home of the brave. Watch out for them arrows of desire..

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  85. Going cycling/drinking with some of the guys this w/e. jersey's white st the moment, but vomit and grass stains from falls will get me the green jersey I'm sure

    one problem is buckled wheel ...I ended up in a ditch after the chappel beer fest. Liked this advice from the interweb...how to straighten a wheel ...

    It's done by tightening the spokes with a spoke wrench. A little butterfly looking thing that fits over the end of the spoke at the rim. You'll get the hang of it , slowly loosen and tighten alternate spokes until it gets really screwed up and then take it to the bike shop.

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  86. offended? me? Impossible!

    It's difficult to say, I'm pain free and nicely loose, I have to stop taking the tablets to ascertain if this is reality or just the reality of a delightfully distorted perception!

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  87. AH - Filipino kiss , you're right mate bloody ridiculous name. cant tell of he's Arthur or Martha, or a more contemporary version of that epicene saying ... or are those names so dated they're back in fashion yet? Sun has "cardiac city wins kiss chase, according to managers mobile phone messages"

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  88. take more, trott, only stop when it no longer looks like were run by the Eton bullingdon dining club, Rebecca wade isn't your ansaphone message and fifa doesn't resemble S.P.E.C.T.R.E.

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  89. I'm with Trott on golf, good way for an old bloke (53) to get some exercise. And Darren Clarke seems like a really nice guy.

    Real point of this post is to abuse FIFA (easy, but necessary). The two African guys who were suspended from FIFA for taking bribes are shown on a lot of African Football Confederation committees (which they're banned from). So does FIFA tell the CAF to remove them from the committees? No. It tells the committees not to publish their names.

    Meanwhile, looks like Bin Hammam is going to stand directly below the fan while the rest throw buckets full of s**t at it. This for giving out bribes to vote for him, helped by Jack Warner who has resigned and is therefore presumed innocent (wonder if Andy Coulson can try that one).

    Bin Hammam's real crime? Standing againsr Septic Bladder. Into the stocks!!

    Jedi

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  90. we would assume Hitler was innovent if he had resigned.

    but he didnt, so he wasnt.

    still isnt. never will be.

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  91. Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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  92. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

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  93. I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

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  94. I heard the human cannonball had been targeted by management and was about to be fired

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  95. one of my bollocks is bigger than the other two; is this normal?

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  96. Paddy "Look, a flock of cows!"
    Donal "Herd of cows, you eejit"
    Paddy "Course I have, there's a flock of them over there!"

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  97. Baby baboon asks his mum "Why are we so ugly, mum?"
    She says, "Be grateful son, you should see the poor bastards who read Robbo's blog."

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  98. For the pussy lovers amongst you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjZqZWbmXK4

    Noel

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  99. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  100. I'll be having none of that!!!

    Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has signed a bill that officially classifies beer as alcoholic.

    Until now anything containing less than 10% alcohol in Russia has been considered a foodstuff.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14232970

    ReplyDelete
  101. s little girl walks up to a heavily pregnant woman and asks, "whats inside?"

    women: " A sweet little baby"

    girl: "so sweet you ate it all?"

    ReplyDelete
  102. GONE!!! 19/1.
    India draw first blood :D :))

    ReplyDelete
  103. May the best team win, SS. As long as its England.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Tonight on tv ... my big fat gypsy eviction

    ReplyDelete
  105. what is with Yorkshire that drives people to become serial killers and socio-paths?

    Geoff Boycott? Really, what are you on about, half the time?

    ReplyDelete
  106. Fucking hell

    Sorry I meant "Now then"

    ReplyDelete
  107. Bring on Pompey on 6th August then Dirty Leeds at Dirty Leeds - never been to Helland Road - think Cloughy has - got me ticket

    p.s. I have been persuaded to join a fantasy league - in the Scum!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  108. And if anyone wants a game of 11 a side footy at 2.30pm on 31st July at Conyers School in Yarm let me know - I have a few places left.

    Ok its a bit far for most of ya - but not all!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  109. I'll pass up on the Yarm offer FBH... had it been early October it may have been different.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Even if you are close to Yarm Bo, there is never a good reason to be actually be IN Yarm.

    Keep Distance.

    If you can read a big sign that says Yarm, drive away at speed.

    ReplyDelete
  111. I can think of a couple of good reasons to visit Yarm.(Which is lovely)

    ReplyDelete
  112. Yarm is lovely?

    Compared to what? Stoke?

    ReplyDelete
  113. am just pulling the leg jacks.

    was hoping fbh will come out all guns blazing in his defence of Yarm.

    ReplyDelete
  114. I see Park has been given a man u contract extension... shortly after announcing his retirement From Internationals. draw iour own conclusions. I just wonder how long we've got rooney for.

    ReplyDelete
  115. Ferguson sucks the international out of his best internationals.

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  116. mornin' Lads. I thought Rooney had already retired from Internationals, Blog. Wasn't he on the pitch in a purely advisory role the last 18 months?

    FORE

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  117. I went on a golf course once and got the rub of the green with a birdie. I then did an inward nine, putting it in the hole with my Mashie niblick; unconventional I no

    ReplyDelete
  118. trott as they say ... shout fore, shoot six, write down five

    ReplyDelete
  119. Chris Charles has a new cyber home...

    http://www.westlondonsport.com/features-comment/chris-charles/

    ReplyDelete
  120. Anybody watch yesterday's Tour stage? Good to see Voeckler hanging on to his Maillot Jaune by a mere 15 seconds from an admittedly impressive Andy "Moaning Minnie" Schleck. Far more signifigant to us Brits is Cav's deduction of 20 points for coming in after the cut-off time, leaving him a mere 15 points ahead of Rojas.
    With another gruelling Alps stage today, Cav is going to have to hang on Rojas' back wheel or he could find himself in second place in the Maillot Vert competition.

    ReplyDelete
  121. jacksofbuxton said...
    I can think of a couple of good reasons to visit Yarm.(Which is lovely)
    --------------------------

    I can think of one good reason to hide when there though

    6 letter word begins with T

    ReplyDelete
  122. blogdignag said...
    Tonight on tv ... my big fat gypsy eviction
    ---
    Heh, I thought you were making a joke (that I didn't get) but while zapping from sport channel in the bar I accedently went to the beeb and low and behold there it was, a programme dedicated to the relocation of pykies. It managed to hold my intrest for about 45 seconds (not bad really) before zapping it away.
    It did make my wonder if the "stars" of the show would go out and obtain a tv license to watch themselves on the box....

    Probably not.

    Hurry up and start footy season, please.

    ReplyDelete
  123. http://www.premierleague.com/page/Home/0,,12306,00.html

    Robbo blog league pin 120130-41350

    Robbo blog H2H pin 120130-41415

    Jacks Barber Shop 120130-41349

    Jacks H2H 102130-41437

    ReplyDelete
  124. G'day all.

    The new fantasy footie season is up and running with a new look UI.

    As is the fashion these days for generating money, you have to rename the stadium. The Board has just asked me to rename my Team Name (hoping that would bring some luck to my this year's campaign) and use the funds generated with new naming deal to buy some fresh players.

    Jack, League PIN please - Thank You :)

    ReplyDelete
  125. Stupid site doesn't seem to be working - another rubbish work setting I reckon

    ReplyDelete
  126. Jacks, you seem to have mistyped the Jacks-H2H league pin

    102130-41437 doesnt work.

    120130-41437 does.

    ReplyDelete
  127. Cheers Spit.

    Robbo blog league pin 120130-41350

    Robbo blog H2H pin 120130-41415

    Jacks Barber Shop 120130-41349

    Jacks H2H 120130-41437

    ReplyDelete
  128. Yaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh??

    FFL time.

    What's the pin number for the Champions League Jacks? (GLOAT)

    ReplyDelete
  129. Crap, I can't sign in (ffl), anyone else having bother?

    ReplyDelete
  130. That would be the one with me in H2.

    You are in the Europe as you only won the cup ;-p

    ReplyDelete
  131. Works fine on my work computer so it should work everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  132. Touche Jacks.

    Still can't get in though, the page remembers my name and password, but directs me to a default page. Would this have anything to do with the problems that we occured here on blogger, meaning that I had to change my e-mail?

    ReplyDelete
  133. You might be on to something H.

    I Had to sign up again too.

    ReplyDelete
  134. OKidoki, cheers Spit, and of course big thanks to big Jacks for setting up the leagues again.

    ReplyDelete
  135. Just passed a hotel overlooking the Elbe, on the way from work, where a group of photographers and screaming girls were waiting for Robbie and his mates,

    or was it for the support band a little known 80s synth group with a high profile fan on this blog

    ReplyDelete
  136. Tone,

    will you consider a career as a suicide bomber? I know a suitable target in Hamburg.

    Its a hotel overlooking the Elbe. Head for the support band, a little known 80s synth group....

    Humanity will owe you.

    ReplyDelete
  137. Mamelodi Sundowns striker Katlego Mphela will arrive on trial with Celtic next week hoping to prove he can be a success in Europe after an ill-fated spell with Racing Strasbourg. (the Herald)
    ---

    thats right attitude.

    If you cant cut it at Strasbourg, try to take a step or two down and show what you can do.

    ReplyDelete
  138. Would that be eternal glory?

    maybe I can arrange a bit of EHEC for breakfast

    ReplyDelete
  139. So Jacks? Why after I had signed in, I didnt need to enter any codes for the FFL?

    ReplyDelete
  140. England savaging the Indian bowling. SS has gone quiet...

    ReplyDelete
  141. Thanks Jack! I'm aiming for top 30 this season.

    ReplyDelete
  142. Cav favourite for our first ever green jersey victory and the return of Pieterson. Happy days.

    ReplyDelete
  143. The Fabregas saga continues. The two parties should get their fingers out and settle it once and for all, it's getting fucking old. Let him fuck off to Barca, Nasri fuck off to Citeh and bring in a couple of players who want to be at the club.

    It was good to see Pieterson back in the runs. No doubt the first test will end in a draw. England don't seem to have an attack capable of bowling the Indians out twice in a match. I'm not sure why India decided to put England in after winning the toss, they may well rue that decision.

    ReplyDelete
  144. Bo, i think the indians, number one status notwithstanding, continue to lack in confidence when it comes to dealing with a seaming pitch, and were waiting for the track to 'flatten' before throwing in the big boys.

    I think very highly of the indian team but thought it ridiculous that Dhoni was bowling on day 2.

    Bring on the footy i say..first golf, then cricket. the end is nigh.

    The sight of all the FFL pins was semi-arousing.Thanks, Jacks..i mean..oh god..yes..yes..thanks jacks.

    ReplyDelete
  145. Crickets a fucking great game which unfortunately attracts fat cunts in blazers . I played the othr day and spent my time st the crease trying to put the ball through the windscreen of one of the audis parked near the boundary

    Swan #2 bowler In The world, Bo, and we've got a scarey trio of fast bowlers so theres no question we can beat the Indians

    ReplyDelete
  146. On their day, the England fast bowlers can be devastating, i'll agree blog but they don't often have their day. There's no doubting Swann's ability and he could be the difference on the last day. We have to get the Indians out quick else they'll stay in all day.

    AH, first golf??? I'd put golf after royal tennis and the hula hoop in the most stupid inventions category.

    ReplyDelete
  147. I had no problems with logging on to the fantasy footie - it remembered me and automatically entered my team into the Robbo league that I was in last year. But my profile on here is fucked still, so not sure if that is the problem that others are experiencing with the FFL.

    However, the problem that I am having is entering Jacks league and the H2H leagues. The pin numbers that Jacks has posted are displayed as skype phone numbers on here, with an international code added onto the front - is that just me or is everyone seeing that??! The number that I can see for the Robbo H2H is 120130-41415, but when I enter that it won't do anything. Is that the right pin?

    Noel

    ReplyDelete
  148. I had no problems Noel... try to copy and paste the code from here.

    ReplyDelete
  149. Morning all.

    3rd time lucky,here are the correct details for FFL.

    www.premierleague.com

    jacks barber shop 120130-41349

    robbo blog league 120130-41350

    robbo blog h2h 120130-41415

    Jacks H2H 120130-41437

    ReplyDelete
  150. G'day Bo.

    It is.

    If only to get these bloody leagues sorted out.

    ReplyDelete
  151. It should be sorted now... I had no problems but I see a few of the others seem to be having them though.

    ReplyDelete
  152. I am starting a new adventure. I, along with my granddaughters are going to learn to ride... should be fun. I am taking a life insurance policy tomorrow though.

    ReplyDelete
  153. Nothing new in the gossip column... rehashing old gossip.

    ReplyDelete
  154. Hope the horse plays the game then Bo.

    Just remember to wear a seat belt.

    ReplyDelete
  155. Jack Warner has been handing out bribes... now that's news.

    ReplyDelete
  156. Wouldn't get on a horse without one Jack.

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  157. just a tip Bo,

    The seat belt on a horse does not go over your right shoulder and buckle on your left.

    It goes from one side of the saddle across the horse's bell to the other.

    I've seen people get that wrong, so there.

    ReplyDelete
  158. I've figured it out thank Jacks. Just being a computard as usual. I got a new 'smart' phone yesterday - you should see me trying to work that.

    Noel

    ReplyDelete
  159. jack - looks like the FC naylor blog is moribund... pity

    ReplyDelete
  160. I agree Blogs,unless he's prepping for Edinburgh festival maybe?

    ReplyDelete
  161. Morning all. Thanks to Jacks for setting up the FFL leagues. After my poor performance last year and then being replaced by my cat as manager I have let my two year old son pick my team this year with a few tweaks from me to get the budget back under 100m. List of players from the paper and a felt tip pen and it was sorted. He did have van persie, rooney and Torres in which didn't quite meet the budget requiremtnts.
    Oh and I played that stupid game called golf yesterday in a competition and managed to win. Got myself a new lime green golf shirt as a prize.
    Colch

    ReplyDelete
  162. Handbags.......

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/athletics/14257153.stm

    (sorry but it's uk users only)

    Colch

    ReplyDelete
  163. And for our non uk based blogonauts....

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUaN-zkBIL8

    Colch

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  164. It would appear Chelsea are financing Fabregas's move away from Arsenal.

    The conniving cunts.

    ReplyDelete
  165. Brilliant time trial from Cadel to win the tour de france.

    Chapeau Cadel.

    ReplyDelete
  166. Fairplay to you Sir Jacks

    Thats what you predicted 3 weeks ago

    Similar f/casts for the football?

    ReplyDelete
  167. Thought the time that Cadel pulled back on Schleck going up Galibier in the last 10K was critical, as nobody helped him

    ReplyDelete
  168. BojanglesOfOz said...
    The Fabregas saga continues. The two parties should get their fingers out and settle it once and for all, it's getting fucking old. Let him fuck off to Barca, Nasri fuck off to Citeh and bring in a couple of players who want to be at the club.
    ======
    Couldn't agree more Bo, it's getting beyond tedious, ship em out reinvest and get on with it.

    I just watched Arsenal take on Koln (Cologne) Ramsey and Jack ran the midfield in tne first half and were excellent, Nasri made a second half appearance and was anonymous. The new lad Gerviniho made a nice debuet scoring twice in the half hour he was on the pitch. The other new lad, Jenkinson scored one of the best own goals I've ever seen, other then that he did OK. The young Mr Myachi looks the part too, be interesting to see if we can get a work permit for him.

    ReplyDelete
  169. OK, I'm back in the FFL, nice revamping by the way, looks jazzy.

    ReplyDelete
  170. Yesterday Oslo, Today Winehouse: Murdoch and Cameron couldnt have wished for another weekend.

    I wonder if they had anything to do with either of them. Wouldnt put it past 'em.

    ReplyDelete
  171. Oslo was a tragedy and came as a shot out of the blue. Amy, although also tragic to lose such a talent at a young age, was an accident waiting to happen.

    Still, thoughts go out to all who have lost someone.

    ReplyDelete
  172. G'day all

    Winehouse was a talented artist I agree, I'm just amazed she lived as long as she did.

    ReplyDelete
  173. A good third day for England at Lords. The quicks must have bowled well with the new ball after I went to bed.

    ReplyDelete
  174. How fucking tasteful to show pictures of Winehouse's body being removed from her apartment. And how ghuolish are the crowds waiting outside to watch it happening.

    ReplyDelete
  175. Sir Alex Ferguson is considering one of the most unexpected transfer moves of his 24-year tenure as Manchester United manager - a bid for Joey Barton
    ----------------------------------

    Morning all. If this happens it will just be one more reason to hate Man U

    Colch

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  176. Bo,

    and how did the press get there so quickly???????/

    ReplyDelete
  177. Colch

    replacement fro Scholes, someone who tackles badly?

    ReplyDelete
  178. Probably hacked someones phone Col.

    ReplyDelete
  179. Blackburn boss Steve Kean says he expects striker El-Hadji Diouf to leave before the end of the summer. The Senegalese midfielder has been fined for failing to turn up for pre-season training with the Lancashire club.
    -----------------------------------

    Go on Alex make it a double whammy. Sign Barton and Diouf.

    Colch

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  180. Most hated players XI.....

    1. Jens Lehman
    2. Gary Neville
    3. Ashley Cole
    4. Scott Brown
    5.Robbie Savage
    6. John Terry
    7. Christiano Ronaldo
    8. Joey Barton
    9. El-Hadj Diouf
    10. Marlon King
    11. Sergio Busquets

    Subs: Didier Drogba, Mascerano, Carlos Puyol, Steven Gerrard, Dani Alves.

    Have I missed anyone?

    Colch

    ReplyDelete
  181. Bad start to the day for England... it's up to Mr Reliable (Trott) to rescue the situation.

    ReplyDelete
  182. It's not going to be Trott this time.

    ReplyDelete
  183. Morgan and Prior to see it through till lunch and then Morgan to go ballistic this afternoon and score a rapid 100 before we declare with an hour left tonight.

    Colch

    ReplyDelete
  184. Colch,

    a certain Roy Keane would grace your team.

    ReplyDelete
  185. Although it might be better for us to get bowled out for about 200. Strauss is too negative and won't declare ealry enough to bowl India out so taking the decision out of his hands could be a good thing. A lead of around 370 to 400 should make it interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  186. That was me above by the way

    Colch

    Still can't get my damn profile to work

    ReplyDelete
  187. You should just make a new one Colch, it's easier.
    I nominate a certain Mr Adebayor for your team, but I suggest you only let him train with the youth team. (Mancini's obviously smarter then I gave him credit for)

    ReplyDelete
  188. Well done cav and little Lewis "hamster" Hamilton

    We're world beaters, at times, in every sport except the one that matters....

    ReplyDelete
  189. England v India is looking like a draw to me, unless the wicket deteriorates overnight.

    ReplyDelete
  190. FOOTBALL - Centre-back Jonathan Woodgate made his first appearance in a Stoke City shirt in the Potters' 1-0 pre-season friendly defeat at Aldershot.

    --

    taking a moment to hope our resident shotter ( I believe thats what aldershot fans are called). is A OK.

    ReplyDelete