Monday, 16 April 2012

National Distress

Hi there!

Into traditional country pastimes? Enjoy a bit of a flutter? Like watching horses die? Then come along to the Grand National! The race all the family can learn to gamble on!

Avert your eyes as voluptuous lassies totter by like uncertain T.Rex’s. Revel in the atmosphere at the start as three numpties tug at a tape that was first used in 175(frigging)4. Laugh as this nation’s favourite jump-jockey hitches a lift to fetch his runaway steed. Roar as jockey after horse after jockey rolls around on the turf as thudding hooves threaten to separate their bones from one another!

Is that Ashley Young in the red there?

Look perplexed as black curtains appear from nowhere to shoot another equine victim through the bonce. Look even more puzzled when you remember that if a jockey breaks his ribs they take him off in an ambulance. Wonder aloud that if the jockey faced the same fate as the horse he might jump over them big fences with a lot more care.

Put that to the back of your mind as two horses power their way up the home straight in a finish so thrilling it took your breath away almost as quickly as the bloke with the shotgun pointed at the head of Synchronised.

Isn’t it Grand, the National? Well yes. And no.

There’s no doubt that this event is not the kindest way to treat an animal. You only have to look at the unburdened bliss of the galloping horses who have unseated their riders and avoided the menacing black curtains to see how much more pleasant life could be for these mighty beasts.

If it was down to common sense – or even horse sense – the Grand National would no more exist than a boxing match. But I enjoy it, despite myself. At least I do up until the point where the bones snap and the desperadoes employed to put an animal out of his misery emerge from their deathly hollows. Much as I love a good boxing match until some instantaneously unconscious fellow falls backwards and his battered head smashes against the canvas.

So, along with anyone with a pulse and a conscience, I’m finding it hard to write a blog while simultaneously wringing my hands. Country folk, a breed apart (and in some corners of this fair land of ours, an inbreed apart) will tell you that this sort of horse racing is part of a long tradition that goes back yonks. You know... like otter-hunting, badger-baiting and incest. But we’ve banned them.

Theirs is not the stoutest of arguments. But even the RSPCA aren’t talking about banning the whole thing. There are many things that would improve safety: fewer runners, shorter course, lower fences - OK, no fences; actually, you know what call it a flat race and put them Irish pixies and Frankie Dettori on their backs and it’ll all be fine. So long as the little sadists don’t whip the nags to death before they cross the finishing line.

I suppose the point is that the Grand National is dangerous to horse and rider. (Maybe if a jockey dies there’ll be a rethink.) And surely the peril is the point. If it was six furlongs with a broomstick to hop over no one would give a shit. And no animal would die in the making of the race. Yawn.

Either we embrace it as it is, deaths and all, or we say no pony gets to die in my name. In the UK, it's a tragedy. In France, it's lunch. Let's not speak of this again. Til next year.

More cruelty was inflicted – or in Everton’s case self-inflicted – in the FA Cup semi-finals. For a team that thrives on an Up'n'At'Em attitude, Moyesy’s boys seemed Down'N'Off'Em after they scored. They let Liverpool blunder into their second Cup Final. The Reds deserved it cos the Blues didn't.

Meanwhile Chelsea benefitted from the ghost goal syndrome. (Mourinho must be spitting feathers).


There’s no point banging on about this any longer except to say that the only person who looked like an utter chump was Martin Atkinson, and the poor sod should not be left in that position.

I mean for fuck’s sake this country has CC-Bastard-TV on every street corner of every town in the hope that transgressions of the law might be witnessed and the perpetrators prosecuted. However that’s nowt compared to the number of lenses pointing at the action in a high-profile football match. It’s positively intrusive. I’m surprised Sky doesn’t stick a pen-cam up a penalty-taker’s arse during a shoot-out.

And yet when it comes to a SIMPLE case of ‘was it in or not?’ the ref can not resort to its use. It’s bonkers. Utterly bonkers. It’s so stupid that I’m sure George Osborne would hesitate before not using it.

Atkinson is clearly a decent human being and he apologised to Redknapp afterwards. Be nice to think that’s the last time. Be even nicer to think that Ashley Young might have a ready apology for going down more easily than a Friday lunchtime ale.
Even Ferguson had to concede that the lad hit the deck like a soft pat of butter. We had the usual ‘there was contact’ apologia, as if a passing moth could take out a fit and fleet winger.

The thing is, while you could say that neither the penalty kick at Old Trafford nor the non-existent goal at Wembley (presumably scored by Juan Anti-Mata) were conclusive, they did affect the matches. Because they were goals.

Ashley Young's Plummet to the Summit

If there was a villain this weekend, it wasn’t Atkinson, it wasn’t even the dopy Aintree arse-wipe who thought they could hold up a race while someone retrieved their horse (imagine Usain Bolt turning up 10 minutes late and still getting a start), it was Ashley Young for taking United on a plummet to the summit. And once again proving that personal morality means nowt so long as you're winning – even if thirty-eight cameras are watching.

187 comments:

  1. First time ever I`m first - and I read it before commenting!

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  2. Lets bring back gladiators or even hanging as a spectator sport if you like a good spectacle. Make the fences easier, or just a flat race, you can still win on the betting, everyone likes a tradition but like you say some traditions have been banned.
    As a Man United supporter, from the Nobby Stiles school, I have to say I am embarrassed by Ashley Young's antics. I wonder if he does this in training? It would be great to see all soccer players give up cheating, admit they kicked the crap out of someone or just fell over, but hell will freeze over and pigs will fly before that happens. Even better, roll back the years and play Mr. Young against Norman Hunter or Billy Bremner.

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  3. aye, it's all about timing Anon. Congratulations.

    Good stuff Robbo, nowt to add really, it's tragic that horses die, tragic that our National game is filled with cheating twats, stupid that we don't make use of available technology and fuckin' dumb that we don't make more use of retro active fines/suspensions.

    On a brighter note, Muamba was discharged so that's good news.

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  4. As much as I hate players who incessantly dive, I have to agree with SAF. He dived, but it was a penalty. Its not something new, I think more should be made of Mata looking across the goal line knowing the ball hadn't crossed it but celebrated like it had. Surely thats even more blood curdlingly offensive?

    To be honest, I shouldn't be surprised. Euro 2012 is only around the corner so its only natural youse start criminalising your own star players.

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  5. Good blog Robbo. The villain apart from Young is obviously the media who are shying away from criticizing Young (read English player) and instead making lack of technology as an excuse. The same media channels were quick to pounce upon Eduardo's incident against Celtic a few seasons ago.

    Rooney, Ronaldo and Nani have excelled in this art and Young is just another addition to these graduates from Theatre of Dreams.

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  6. In defence of ashley Youngs fosbury flop he had £500 on synchronized and was reenacting Beechers brook

    Clare balding siad she noticed he was spooked even before the start of the game and should never have been allowed to play

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  7. rod, ss come on guys help me out.... which is it, we're not criticizing young because he's English or we're Criminalising him because he plays for england?

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  8. Doesnt matter blogs.
    I think what is important is we start seeing more common sense, logic being applied by ref's before making decisions. We need some consistency amongst referees even..so many times we have seen the linesman and ref cant come to conclusion over a pitch incident.

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    1. Not quite sure how it can be a pen when you go looking for it. If a player is touched in the box they go over demanding a penalty. The should just have video after the match for 'unsporting behaviour' with set bans or a fining system like cricket. Give the money to grass roots or charity.

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    2. That's the key word, consistency! I wish the officials would use some. I still can't work out how Balotelli got away with assault on Song.

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  9. not good for us but well done Wigan, showed a lot of fight and good organisation. Take note Trotters!

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    1. trott - QPR's run-in doesnt look hopeful for them ...spurs, chelsea, stoke, man city

      bolton also have stoke and the new old spurs as well as villa, sunderland, west brom and swansea

      qpr have +2 points but bolton ought to escape the drop from here

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    2. well, if you say so then it must be so. I'll stop fretting now. No more sleepless night or finger nail bitin' for me! Happy days are here again.

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    3. but then again, what do i know?

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  10. Frustation. Arsenal of the early season... no creativity. Nowhere on the pitch. Outplayed by Wigan at Emirates. Sad. Disappointed. :( :(

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  11. Great victory for Wigan! They'd be more or less safe if they used them feckin' cameras for offside decisions n all.

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  12. I still say we award the penalty for the contact on Young, then book him for his theatrics.

    And Robbo, this may have been your most persuasive entry yet. You had me ready to buy tickets to next year's Grand National, what with your ringing endorsement until you wavered at the "Well yes. And no." part. That, combined with the pen-cam idea... brilliant! Shoving a camera up there far enough would give some of the players the spine they need to stay upright (no prizes for guessing). Next we need owner-cam, where we stuff one up Abramovich's backside to show the next Chelsea manager where he'll need to be to stay in the job more than a month or two.

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  13. "Juan Anti-Mata" had me in stitches, I'm such a juvenile, simple man. Great blog as always, do you make any money out of this place? If you don't you should. It would be criminal to give away content like this for free. And fuck the Beeb for getting rid of you in the first place, your blog was the only thing worth reading on that site.

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    1. Agreed :) Phil McNumpty is getting bloody worse!

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    2. whoever you are, I agree too. It's a fuckin' disgrace. Hold on, did you reply to your own anonymous post? Are you having conversations with yourself? I do that sometimes, there's this woman down our street who says it's a sign of, ah nevermind, it's too late to go into that now.

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    3. i don't think so. why? maybe? are you anon too? who's anon? I'm alcoholic anon, which one are you?

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  14. Contest for everyone 20 seasons of Premier League. Vote for the best

    http://www.premierleague.com/en-gb/20-seasons.html

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  15. My picks:

    Best Match
    Liverpool 4-4 Arsenal 2008/09 (obvious reason being Arsenal fan and for Arshavin 4 goals)

    Portsmouth 7-4 Reading 2007/08 (great spectacle for a neutral just in terms of # of goals scored)

    I voted for Liverpool v Arsenal :)

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  16. Best Goal - Again 2 choices from the available lot, but there have been few others which are my favorite.

    Dennis Bergkamp, Newcastle United v Arsenal 2001/02 (sheer artistry in that goal Only he knows how he did it!)

    David Beckham, Wimbledon v Man U 1996/97 (This goal is my introduction to football. In India the sport has got popular because of David Beckham and this goal from half line)

    But my all time 20 seasons favorite favorite PL goal has to be Henry's goal against Liverpool on Boxing Day when side stepped 2 defenders and Pires to score. Arsenal won 4-2 on that day.

    Eventually I have voted for Beckham's goal.

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  17. Best Celebration
    Temuri Ketsbaia, Newcastle v Bolton 1997/98
    (What madness shown by the player. Loved it. Laughed it. Wow!!!)

    Best Save
    Jussi Jaskelainen, Man U v Bolton 2001/02
    (Any save against United has to be good and he did twice and denied from close range)

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  18. Fantasy Team of 20 seasons

    VDS - Dixon - Adams - Vidic - Cole - C Ronaldo - Paul Scholes - Vieira - Pires - Nistelrooy - Henry

    Going by Fantasy Rules of not having more than 3 players of same team

    VDS - Petrescu - Adams - Vidic - Le Saux - Beckham - Vieira - Matt Le Tissier - David Ginola - Shearer - Henry

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  19. Best Match - Liverpool vs Newcastle 4-3 (I can't believe Citeh's 6-1 is in there, it was a pretty boring game until the last minute)

    Best Goal - Paolo De Canio (Best goal I've ever seen, Can't believe Rooney's goal against Newcastle isn't there)

    Best Celebration - Alan Shearer (a really shite and meaningless award, gave it to shearer as he would've done it the most)

    Best Save - Scheimchel against Newcastle(Can't remember any of these except this as it was on ESPN classic recently!)

    Best 11 - (Pretty simple in the end)
    GK - Scheimchel
    RB - Dixon
    CB - Adams
    CB - Terry
    LB - Cole
    RW - Ronaldo
    CM - Gerrard
    CM - Keane
    LW - Giggs
    ST - Shearer
    ST - Henry

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  20. Those were the public votes and here's the list for Panel votes

    Best Team
    Best Players
    Best Quote
    Best Season
    Best Manager

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  21. If I were on Panel then,

    Best Team - Arsenal, The Invincibles

    Best Player - Thierry Henry

    Best Quote - "I did not see the incident." OR "Everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home."

    Best Season - 2002-03, Although Arsenal lost to Leeds handing United the title. I think this season onwards PL became more marketable product and started getting more exposure on the Asian markets, particularly India.

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  22. Best Manager - Sir Alex Fergusson beats Arsene Wenger by 0.000000000000001. Fine margins there.

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  23. Best Team - Chelsea (2004/05)
    Best Player - Steven Gerrard
    Best Quote - "I'm a faaaackin football manager" - Harry Redknapp
    Best Season - Bit predictable being a United fan but 1998/99
    Best Manager - SAF closely followed by Mourinho

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  24. Wtf.....Wonder what the Christian nutters who say gays can be cured make of this....
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9209758/Rugby-player-says-he-is-happier-since-stroke-turned-him-gay.html

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  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  26. Well done Bayern Munich.

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  27. Best tennis player name ; yvonne goolagong

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  28. I think Eric Djemba-Djemba is being cruelly overlooked in the best player category. Although surely it has to be between Zola, Cantona and Bergkamp.

    Best quote for me has to be between 'I'd love it, love it if we beat them' and 'When ze seagulls follow ze trawlers'.

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  29. Best broken leg: David Buust
    Best missed drug test: Rio Ferdinand
    Best signing: Bebe, for 8 million.

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    Replies
    1. Best vomit - Peter Schmeichel (after seeing David Buust's leg)

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  30. Fuck all y'awl.

    I've been waiting for an update on the previous blog for 24+ hours. A heads up would of been nice.

    Maybe a:

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> New blog up. would help.

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  31. Sorry about that.

    Catch up 2moro.

    Boooooinnng.

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  32. Was well funny watching Real Madrid players complaining about the diving they were subjected to by the Robbery. (Robben + Ribery)

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  33. btw,

    Sergio Ramos: most over-rated FB in Europe?

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    Replies
    1. Leave Val Kilmer alone, he was the best Batman

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  34. And well done to Reading FC. McDermot done well.

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  35. Agreed Spits. I like McDermott. Here's hoping Big Sam doesn't get his big lunking thunking brand of football up into the Prem to go with him.

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  36. Mr Wet Underpants 1989 (titled by accident more than design)18 April 2012 at 12:10

    Biggest cunt of the Premier League era:

    Winner: Alex purple-nose Fuckerson
    Runners-up: Wayne Rooney, Ryan Giggs, Roy Keane
    Honourable mentions: Eric Cantona, Rio Ferdinand, Christine Ronaldo

    Best Man U performer of the Premier League era:

    1st: Mike Riley
    2nd: Mike Dean
    3rd: Howard Webb

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    Replies
    1. And the award for the worst loser goes to......

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    2. Mr Wet Underpants 1989 (titled by accident more than design)18 April 2012 at 12:27

      That would be Alex Fuckerson again - landslide victory in that particular category!

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    3. I can think of at least five managers who are worse losers

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  37. Mr Wet Underpants 1989 (titled by accident more than design)18 April 2012 at 12:13

    Ashley Young is hot favourite to win UEFA's coveted "Fallon D'Floor" trophy next year.

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  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  39. I've thought for a long time now were getting mire stoopid as a nation. The reason can be summed up in three words.

    The internet.

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  40. Anyone else think Chelsea have a chance tonight if they can get Drogba up against Mascerano at centreback for Barca?

    Torn tonight between wanting Chelsea to win because they're English and the fact I hate Alves, Busquets and Puyol or wanting Barca to win so there's no chance of Terry and Cole getting a winners medal.

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  41. Ithink they can keep it down to a single figure defeat colch

    But yes reluctantly for one night only...come on chelski

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  42. For those of you still undecided...

    say it out loud... Champions League Winner John Terry...

    easy?

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  43. Ideal result will be Chelsea to win and Terry and Cole to break their legs while fighting with Busquets, Alves and Puyol and all of them to get banned for life.

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  44. Terry has been.... cough choke spit..brilliant

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  45. I know Drogba falls over and rolls around like a big girl but how can a team with Sergio Biscuits in their side complain about another player diving and cheating?

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  46. damn right Colch.

    it was like hoe real were bleating about Ribery diving.

    Hilarious.

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  47. I say we should give these players the same treatment that the horses at the Grand National get. If they go down and stay down then brings on the screens and the man with the bolt gun. See how many of them roll around on the floor then.

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  48. Chelski did play well, yes Barca had a few chances but wtf I saw 1 stat Barca 507 passes to 150, so what.

    and wtf with Mierleres haircut, has he been to Jacks on a bad day

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  49. and I know its only halftime but Eng-Deu 2 Spain 0

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  50. Wonder if anyone has said this - Barcelona are missing a key player in David Villa.
    Well again if Fabregas had scored with those 3 chances, I would'nt be talking about David Villa at all.

    Good win for Chelski... more of the same in second leg. Not the score, the game pattern. :P

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  51. without messi as cutting edge of the metronome midget crabs and their endless pointless tedium of their laser-guided passes (700!), barca would win nothing. he's a once in a lifetime player. see for yourself, when the new port vale owner surprises us all and the godlike genius of messi is playing in burslem...

    metronome : a small man who works on the paris underground

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  52. audi are buying ducati. how long before bayern buys barca and hamburg buys real madrid? the spanish are bankrupt and germany is increasingly dominating the continent economically. if the euro collapses you could see barca playing in the german equaivalent of the blue square premier

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  53. Austrian village to vote on Fucking name change

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9209343/Austrian-village-F-ing-to-vote-on-name-change.html

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    Replies
    1. You just cant trust them fucking Bavarian noblemen

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  54. Best Match - United 4-3 win over City in 2009 (Mark Hughes face was a picture)

    Best Goal - Cantona's against Sunderland (a really iconic moment)

    Best Celebration - Cantona or Ketsbaia (Cantona as it is iconic - Ketsbaia as he was a nutter)

    Best Save - Scheimchel against Newcastle or Craig Gordons

    Best 11 - (Pretty simple in the end)
    GK - Peter Scheimchel
    RB - Gary Neville
    CB - Tony Adams
    CB - Jaap Stam
    LB - Denis Irwin
    RW - Cristiano Ronaldo
    CM - Roy Keane
    CM - Paul Scholes
    LW - Ryan Giggs
    ST - Alan Shearer
    ST - Eric Cantona

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  55. Sergio Biscuits is the biggest girls blouse in Europe. If a penguin in New Zealand sneezed he'd fall over at the Nou Camp and ask for a penalty (and given refs in La Liga he'd probaby get it)

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  56. Mr Wet Underpants 1989 (titled by accident more than design

    I'd say Kenny Dalglish, Luis Suarez, Carlos Tevez and John Terry are the main contenders for your award. Never seen such an unpleasant four people ever.

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  57. Mr Wet Underpants 1989 (titled by accident more than design)19 April 2012 at 14:32

    You've never seen four such unpleasant people as Kenny Dalglish, Luis Suarez, Carlos Tevez & John Terry? Not ever? How about Robert Mugabe? Joseph Kony? Kim Jong-Il? A fairly skewed worldview you have to say the least (though I can see your point with John Terry!)

    As for Kenny Dalglish being unpleasant...I assume you're basing this on the contempt he rightly shows to inane questions posed by idiotic interviewers after matches. These people deserve short shrift at best and Dalglish is one of the few who doesn't respond to their asinine questions with equally asinine answers. Dalglish is a dignified and honourable man, unlike so many in his sport.

    Re. Sergio Biscuits, whilst you're correct in pointing out what a blouse he is, he can't hold a candle to Drogba. Great player though he undoubtedly is, Drogba is an embarrassment. If a parks team had a player who behaved like that, he'd get a fucking good kicking off his own team-mates, let alone the opposition.

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  58. Cheers Blog.
    =====
    Man U fans, picking an all Manure XI for that complete waste of time and space so called best thingymijig, how fresh.
    =====
    Well done Chelsea for beating those insufarable cunts Barceloana, even though you too are a bunch of fuckwits. Drogba would be one of the greatest if he wasn't such a diving cheat.

    Mr Wet pants.

    Enjoyed your stuff, welcome to the blog. I must however say that the respect I had for Kenny was irrepreably eroded due to his constant support of that chipmunked faced, buck toothed, cheating, racist toerag Suarez.

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  59. Adam, how on earth did Tony Adams and Alan Shearer make your team?

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    Replies
    1. Well he didn't want to look completly biased.

      Failed miserably though.

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    2. Adams and Shearer are in my team as well. Seeing Adams was at the heart of the stingiest defence the Premier League has known and Shearer scored a shit lot of goals I can only conclude you're raging because Jay-Jay wasn't in the short-list haha!

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  60. Blimey positive press for the vale...

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2012/apr/17/portsmouth-port-vale-points-deduction

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  61. Mr Wet pants - I haven't physically seen the political figures you mentioned but I have seen the 4 in the world of english football which is what I was referring too

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  62. Whats happening? Are they guilty about ignoring us since 1872?

    http://footballleagueblog.dailymail.co.uk/2012/02/snap-shot-port-vales-gareth-owen.html

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  63. robert mugabe and kim il jong were rubbish at football. not sure about kony. i know he's a big man u fan though.

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  64. I didn't fail miserablly I piccked the best. Adams and Shearer are in there for mean defending and great goalscoring - The United midfield quartet is the best in the Premier League and Cantona was just fantastic (it was him or Bergkamp and I figured 1 Arsenal player was enough quite frankly)

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    1. As much as I hate to say it, Henry was better than Cantona

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  65. Don't get so up yourself mate. You picked who YOU percieved to be the best. Not THE best.

    Still seems still like an exercise in futility to me.

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    1. Thats what it was supposed to be. What YOU think is THE BEST team?

      We'll have to wait for the panel to see who they vote for. Ofcourse it will be a mix of players from various teams and definetely composition wont be 9 United and 2 Others.

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  66. Mr Wet Underpants 1989 (titled by accident more than design)19 April 2012 at 16:10

    There was going to be an award for the softest penalty awarded to the home team at old trafford but they couldn't whittle the shortlist down below 50.

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    Replies
    1. It is not love that is blind, it is jealousy

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  67. Port Vale all over the media now blogs...you lot are the toast of the town. or maybe you're just toast now. Just kidding mate.

    What the hell..just checked the FFL and I had just 9 players playing last week. Why the hell did our resident FFL reporter Noel not let me know there were a reduced number of games ?? What the hell is keeping you busy Noel ?

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  68. AH. I might as well give up on the FFL this season. I missed quite a few weeks when I moved, not that it made much difference, it seems I'm even worse when I do tamper with the team.

    I brought in Olsen because I thought WBA were ready for a clean sheet. He pulled out two minutes before kick off. Stoopid game.

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  69. I was doing quite well, climbing up the league nicely and then I played the wildcard and fucked it all up! mid-table obscurity beckons.

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  70. We'll have to wait for the panel to see who they vote for. Ofcourse it will be a mix of players from various teams and definetely composition wont be 9 United and 2 Others.

    -------------

    You hope not. Remember when they did the Best Manchester 11 of all time last year and they could only find one City player (Francis Lee I think) and he only got the sympathy vote as Bryan Robson, , Keane, Scholes, Strachan and Wilkins were all better midfielders than he was

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    Replies
    1. Well duh, ofcourse that one would be full of Manure players, Man City have only exsisted for two or three years.

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  71. Adam

    Wilkins, a better midfield player? now we know you've lost the plot

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  72. Wilkins nor Strachan could hold a candle to Franny Lee. Then again, it's difficult to compare anybody with Wilkins, if you want a bloke who can play 47 square 7 yard passes a game and do fuck all else, he's yer man.

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  73. Spits, trott, I see we share the same futile sense of humour. Thought so.
    H - have a quick squint at the last blog!

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  74. Breaking news...........Everton are to appeal over the penalty they'll be conceding at Old Trafford this weekend.

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  75. How do they know that Young will be playing?

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  76. that's not all we share, SN (what the fuck happened to that little arrow?) 5

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  77. 1. Manchester United - $2.235bn (£1.396bn)
    2. Real Madrid - $1.877bn (£1.17bn)
    3. Barcelona - $1.307bn (£816m)
    4. Arsenal - $1.292bn (£807m)

    gooners if i was you Id be wondering where all that money goes, because it aint on your second rate team

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  78. Mr Wet Pants - I like the cut of your jib, sir.

    AH - Mr fucking Schrodinger has been keeping me busy. Up to my neck in physics assignments, lab reports and exam revision at the moment. I haven't been keeping up with the FFL for a few months now anyhow. NRL is keeping me too entertained.

    That Premier League bestest stuff - I had a look and Schmeichal and GNev were the only Utd players who made my greatest XI. Too many options up front - I plumped for Zola and Bergkamp for the impact they had on football in this country. Matt le Tiss in midfield cos he's fucking ugly, but managed to pull Marilyn from Home and Away.

    Best save was between Gordon and Jussi, and best goal was di Canio, with Cantona a close second.

    But I agree with H, it's all pointless. It just distracted me from talking about whether or not a cat is dead or alive for 5 minutes.

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    Replies
    1. Glad I'm not the only one who picked Zola. Having not grown up on Premier League and its predecessors, he cemented my love for the league, though I already enjoyed the game. Here in the US, most children love soccer/football, then somehow we quit as we get older. Possibly because the average American male who continues to play the game into high school and college is a preening git with an IQ less than his shirt number. But I digress... Talent aside, I loved that someone my height actually made it big in a sport that didn't involve riding a horse. Plus, Zola brings back memories of repeatedly failing demonstrate to my friends the beauty of the backheel goal he scored against Norwich, among others. (Lacking video clips and coordination, it was an uphill battle.)

      Delete
  79. And I forgot my manners - great blog Robbo. As ever.

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  80. If I may....

    Nothing to do with the Mereilas haircut,I could only dream of being as good as that.

    A welcome to Mr Pants,a fine addition to the blog sir.Seeing as the gene pool was down to 7 of us,a new addition is always welcome.

    As for Premier League memories blah blah blah I would only say that the player that I've enjoyed watching the most in the 20 years of the PL is Matthew Le Tissier.

    ReplyDelete
  81. It's not just mereilas jacks its the whole of Portugal. And Braintree.

    Hello noel - do you think Chelsea can sink the Blaugrana?

    (I should be a sun journo with lines like that)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The latest Buxton hair trend seems to be something to do with The Only Way Is Essex.A long Hitler cut,sweeping fringe and all that.

      No Ron Mael taches yet,which is a shame.

      Delete
    2. Ein Zwei! Eine Mullet! Ein Buxton!

      Delete
  82. Here's the competition. Jacks. In my opinion the business plan of the the Amish Barbershop Collective is doomed to failure...

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-17780659

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't see Kelly McGillis in that picture Blogs.Shame.

      Delete
    2. and the Amish bishop is called Samuel Mullet, you couldnt make it up

      Delete
  83. H2h. You ok mate last few days youv. Seemed a bit stressed.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Blogs, with the quality of the puns that you, and a few other posters have come out with, I'd have thought that a red-top job was well within your reach. I had to google blaugrana though, so you may need to dumb down your material if you want engage your audience. But in answer to your question, I think the Barcelona Junta will be too strong, and Chelsea will be embarrassed at the Camp Nou.

    I watched the offical Champions League highlights show of Chelsea v Barca yesterday and all of Drogba's diving had been cut out of the programme.

    I counted 5 mullets when I was down the local shops earlier. Four of them were on women.

    ReplyDelete
  85. I saw quite a few mullets this morning as well Noel.

    It was a lovely stroll by the river Wye.

    ReplyDelete
  86. What's the barber protocol when a customer asks for a mullet, Jack's? Are you allowed to laugh out loud, are you required by law to try to talk them out of it, do you have to still take pride in your work?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By law I have to immediately contact the police,social services,MI5,the list goes on and on.

      The paper work is a nightmare.

      Delete
  87. Great comment from the McNulty blog.....


    29. At 09:30 20th Apr 2012, swindonbluearmy wrote:
    Rooney's goal in 2011 should not be on the list as it came off his shit, looked great but technically not the best.

    ReplyDelete
  88. All the McNulty blog is about is the best finish in the premier league.

    I'd vote for Simon Whitlock's 170 against James Wade.

    ReplyDelete
  89. somebody needs to point out to swindonbluearmy that it takes great skill to time one's turds with such precision.

    ReplyDelete
  90. I don't think Rooney's 2011 overhead should even be on the list as it did hit is shin. Also why didn't Bergkamps 3rd/4th goal against Leicester make it on the list as it was better than any of Henry's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its still a great goal though, no matter what anyone says. Nobody made a big thing of the ball coming off Van Persie's shin when he scored that volley against Charlton. Mmmmmm I wonder why.

      Delete
    2. And those Bergkamp goals are very overrated. The fact that he did it at least 3 times means it can't be that special.

      Delete
    3. OR, it shows Bergkamp was a fucking genius and could fucking do what he want with the fucking ball whenever he fucking wanted. like.

      Delete
    4. He was a genius definitely.

      Delete
  91. I'm alright blogs.

    Those "best of" lists just piss me off, it's all subjectional, one persons "hero" is anothers, "I can't stand that cuntbucket".
    It's a simple ploy by McNumpty to get hits and resurect his dwindling blog,it's right up there with Talkshite Radio and is spefically designed for the hard of thinking.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Scousers.

    Bless.

    http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/liverpool-news/local-news/2012/04/19/liverpool-bnp-mayoral-candidate-mike-whitby-rents-pigeon-shed-in-city-to-be-eligible-to-stand-100252-30791707/

    ReplyDelete
  93. He'll probably be given the bird jacks.

    ReplyDelete
  94. The Daily Mail.

    You have to wonder about the people that buy this shitty,shitty newspaper.

    You also have to wonder about the shitty,shitty people that work for it.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2132611/French-elections-2012-Marine-Le-Pen-responsible-vote-France.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. theyv got form, the Hurrah for the blackshirts edition of 1931, but even worse was this front page from 1945

      http://www.b3ta.com/board/8935969

      Delete
    2. That's almost convincing :)

      Delete
  95. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-17784731

    still more character than any of the bnp candidates...

    ReplyDelete
  96. Great sentiments from the blog but if we were to ban NH racing then the EU would suddenly have a horse meat mountain.
    Some of which could end up in a nice potato pie in Buxton.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We do NOT use horse meat in our meat and potato pies in Buxton,thank you very much.

      We use hedgehog.

      Delete
    2. someone spiked your meat and tater, jacks?

      Delete
  97. A terribly disappointing game but a good if not great result for Arsenal

    ReplyDelete
  98. Mrs Jack's team v 2 daughters team today.

    As Stoke will finish comfortably mid-table we'll all cheer on Newcastle.2-0 up at half time,puts them 3 points behind Ar***al with a game in hand.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Newcastle looking good, real good.

    ReplyDelete
  100. Hello H.

    When you look at how little cash they've spent,yet still get Ben Arfa,Ba,Cisse,Cabaye and Tiote (all good solid North East names) for next to nothing.

    The head scout at Newcastle is the father of "comedian" Alan Carr.

    Love to see Newcastle pinch 4th.

    ReplyDelete
  101. They deserve it Jacks, I'm no real fan of Pardew, but I have the utter most respect for what he has done this term. FAs for the scout, father of Alan Carr or not, the guys he has brought in are certainly no joke.

    Mike Ashley has turned it around big time too, I wonder how many Geordies want shot of him now?

    ReplyDelete
  102. They got shot of the big time charlies who self aggrandise at the expense of the team

    It's ronaldos one weakness, his Achilles heel. Messi plays with the elusive invulerability of Apollo, and fuck me what I wouldn't give for a ticket to the nou. Camp tonight, best game in world football at the moment.

    SAF has spoken to ashley"tom daley" young about diving. There's a worse offender in the team tho that idiot at the back whatsisname, the one in the green jersey cough cough

    Coat!

    ReplyDelete
  103. Another good win for the vale. That point deduction is a bastard. There's got to be a better way of punishing teams who go into administration. Directors in the stocks or make the players wear silly hats or something. This just punishes the fans.

    Worrying half time score for trotter at qpr. Wigan are playing too well to go down and qpr have a tough run in but also have players who can cause an upset. You'll have to win the games inhand now trott.

    a game (or knob) in hand is not worth two in the bush.

    ReplyDelete
  104. 6th el classico of the season... more like el cashicow

    ReplyDelete
  105. Tottenhams triffic run continues, they've folded like a cheap suit.

    Even the ref sending off Taarabt for nothing couldn't stop their slide.

    ReplyDelete
  106. So when Spurs say they are the most entertaining team in the league, they mean entertaining like in a circus, right.
    MIND THE GAP.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here's real entertainment from a Sp**s (so called) fan site;

      420 minutes since we last scored an away goal-that’s relegation form surely

      you cant blame modric for going, ambition?? what fucking ambition?

      fcking disgrace… and I’ve always stuck up for Harry.. but now I pray to god he gets the England job….get him the fcking hell out… what a fcking disgraceful collapse…

      think we could have used cisse? Hoilett? Samba? what a fcking joke of a club…

      sideways, sideways, sideways… turn the ball over… doesn’t matter if they play with 10 men, 9 men, whatever. Boring and frustrating… Harry has no clue and to be fair

      we must have the most overated group of pensioners in the premier league

      we are so one dimnetional its untrue, like watch 10 david battys

      If the Arsenal/Chelsea game regressed me to a foetus, I’ll be a sperm by the time this game is over.

      Delete
  107. (MUAMBA) said that when his son then visited him, he almost caused a medical calamity by pulling on the network of wires attached to his father in hospital.

    he can laugh about it now...

    great to see him in one piece. a miracle he hasnt got brain damage.

    ReplyDelete
  108. What's happened to all the Newcastle fans wanting to get rid of Mike AShley and saying that appointing Pardew was a disaster? I suspect that if they end up in the Champions League next year Mike Ashley will be able to rename the ground the "All Newcastle Fans are Twats Arena" and noone (not Plymouth???) will complain. These glory hunting trophy whore fans of the big clubs are certainly a fickle bunch.

    ReplyDelete
  109. he might have an uber-camp cartoon of a son, colch, but the man Carr can certainly pick a player; ben arfur, cisse, ba, cabaye - id never heard of them at the start of the season and they looke like world beaters yesterdays. mind you it was only stoke.

    if you handed the most inept manager and the most gormless twat of an owner four players like that your team would do well.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Jonny Evans is the best defender in the country, says Alex Ferguson..

    hes not even the best defender in the Beatles

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was gonna do a John Lennon joke, but decided against it.

      Delete
    2. They'd be divorced by now.

      Imagine no possessions.

      Delete
    3. He was a Mickey Mouser, no need to imagine having bugger all.

      Delete
  111. That was some game at Old Toilet, this is turning out to be a season of surprises. Nothing's decided yet.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Aberdeen boss Craig Brown handed a debut to 16-year-old Cammy Smith in the Dons' 2-0 defeat of Inverness Caledonian Thistle on Saturday, and said of the young substitute: "He is really outstanding and is the Dennis Bergkamp of Aberdeen."

    Full story: Daily Record
    ====
    The non Flying Scotsman?

    ReplyDelete
  113. Dennis Bergkamp of Aberdeen?

    See also...
    Kylie sprogett, princess Di of Worksop
    The Apollo of burslem (as I'm better known...)
    And who could remember lee bowyer, The Messi of shitcity, bollockshire in cuntland

    ReplyDelete
  114. So its Sunday afternoon, what to watch
    1 Manure v Toffees
    2 St Pauli v Rostock, German hooligan final
    3 IPL
    4 F1
    I've now got a sore thumb

    Great game at OT,esp last min save from Howard

    Now comes Man City game, a lazy Sunday, again

    ReplyDelete
  115. Bye bye Wolves.
    ==

    Woy weeks his wevenge on the Mickeys. Good for him.

    ReplyDelete
  116. Ah who cares football's such a shit game anyway......

    ReplyDelete
  117. end of an era if man city pull it off. the SAF Mirage will disperse into the sands of time. theyll need to spend big to rebuild and the american beardy-wierdy cult who owns them dont really want to be distracted from sawing up teenage hitchhikers with chainsaws, marrying their cousins and preparing for the Apocalypse. like a bunch of yankee rumplestiltskins theyre intent on piling up the gold.

    they need to spend some tho, not many utd players would get into the city team. Utd still slight favourites tho. city to win at home and then it could all depend on Newcastle away

    i ferking love football but then ive got nothing to lose, rod

    ReplyDelete
  118. BREAKING NEWS

    Port Vale have signed Lionel Messi !!! (BBC News)

    ReplyDelete
  119. sorry, i badly misread that headline. the actual wording was : Connor dismay as Wolves go down

    ReplyDelete
  120. sometimes the mind plays tricks on us Blog and we believe we see what our mind merely wishes were true. It brings to mind a conversation I had with Brooklyn Decker last night.

    ReplyDelete
  121. Is that the one that makes drills?

    ReplyDelete
  122. Vantastic news - Robin van Persie is PFA Player of the Season. Well deserved!!!
    *Applause and a standing ovation*

    ReplyDelete
  123. Blogs,
    Looking forward to Manchester Derby and but not knowing which team I want to win it more. A part of me wants United to lose which would serve as revenge for our early season 8-2 loss and also plenty of decisions that have gone their way. While a part of me wants to City to lose as that will give us a chance to mock Na$ri who left us to win the titles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What about the plenty of decisions that haven't gone their way?

      Delete
    2. Nobody remembers decisions that haven't gone their way!

      Delete
  124. 3 Spu*s players in PFA team of the year... I disagree. Giving Walker YPFA was enough but to also include him in the team is too much. Again Parker and Bale are a bit over rated. I would have gone with 4-3-3 formation and replaced all 3 Spurs players

    Walker OFF - Antonio Valencia ON
    Parker OFF - Alex Song ON
    Bale OFF - Sergio Aguero ON

    ReplyDelete
  125. happy birthday saint george even tho you were turkish and didnt exist

    ReplyDelete