Monday, 18 June 2012

Swedes 2 Turn-Ups 3

My expectations are low. I know we cannot win the tournament. I doubt we can get past the group stage. Even then the quarter-finals will see us humiliated. Low, low, low.

Even then the win against Sweden had me squawking like an angry macaw at the bastards in navy blue with sky blue trim (and how weird does that kit look, eh?). First 45 minutes, all fine. We can’t keep the ball but neither can Sweden. It was like they were all playing for charity. Still it’s a short journey from Gerrard’s Cross to Carroll’s Noggin and England go 1 up.                        
                             
Ten minutes into the second half England give the space of Hyde Park to rampaging Viking Incarnate Olaf Mellberg and we’re 2-1 down. Cue Wearguard Woy being decisive and positive: Milner goes off having played like a cotton town on its last legs (bags of industry, no end product) and on comes Theo Walcott, who reminds me of one of them Mazda sports cars: he’s fast, smooth, difficult to catch but everyone knows it’s not a real sports car.

And blow me (no, please) if Walcott doesn’t play one of them occasional blinders that Arsenal get. His equaliser loop-di-dooped like one of them joke balls you get in a beach shop and his run and cross for Wellbeck’s equaliser was textbook. Wellbeck’s finish was a thing of wonder too. As he’s an English forward I just assumed he’d miscontrolled it and fluked it in but no, the lad went for it.


Now once I’d recovered from chewing fingernails, fag-ends and a good proportion of the rug in the front room, I started to get that awful feeling again. You know the one? When images borne on sun-kissed clouds waft across the windows of your mind. Images of white-clad lads, lions in triplicate about their stinking nylon shirts, holding aloft some kind of bauble or trinket. They are smiling, they are triumphant, and fuck me, they’re English!

Where this almighty piece of self-delusion comes from I’ve no idea. Of the football I’ve seen so far, England couldn’t match ninety per cent of the teams in anything except possibly effort. I would’ve added organisation but given the first 20 minutes of the second half in Kiev, forget that.


Before the Sweden game I looked at the England subs bench and it could not have looked thinner if it had been adorned by cover models for Vanity Fair. There are still obvious problems with the team: John Terry could be out sprinted by a broken-winged swallow at the moment (I’d be playing Jagielka meself); Gerrard feels wasted playing deep; and Ashley Young looks more nervous than a stray Corgi in a Korean kebab shop.

Then again, the upside is that England scored three without their ‘talisman’ (ridiculous football-speak meaning ‘best player’ which in Rooney’s case isn’t backed up by recent performances in an England shirt); the scorers were all between 21 and 23 years of age; and hellfire we’ll have Spain in the quarters so really it’s not that important what happens so long as these young lads keep getting a kick.

So, yes, low expectations, but no, not remotely downbeat. I think the FA have to be congratulated on not going for Redknapp who, given the strange bumptiousness of his departure from White Hart Lane, was probably going to be the right man at the wrong time. Certainly the media would have been jollied up and over-optimistic, 'Arry would've been unable to resist givin' it large and we’d have never had this quiet acceptance of over-achievement by modest players.

As for the rest of the tournament, I think you’ll find I’d pointed y’all in the direction of Russia’s inevitable demise. Germany continue to feed the posse of pundits with the usual clichés. They know how to win, they’re never beaten, they’re organised, efficient… they also happen to be really bloody good but let's not let that get in the way of an old-fashioned stereotype. Hellfire even Vieira was joining in with it. (Disappointing to see Keane and Vieira sharing a TV studio without anyone having the wit to order some pizza at half-time).

Spain’s little ninety-minute keep-ball session against Ireland was one of the more one-sided affairs I’ve ever seen in world football. And with Torres looking more confident they might yet have someone who can finish of all the pretty patterns with a proper punch. I know the stats for Xavi are always amazing but we have to remember that he never passes it more than ten yards. And given the way he shoots I sometimes wonder whether he can kick it much further.

Holland left in trudging oblivion. Good. I still haven’t forgiven Van Marwjick for besmirching the good name of Dutch footy with that cloak and dagger clobbering they tried to give Spain in the World Cup Final.

Portugal and Germany are shoo-ins for the semi-finals now; Spain’ll join them, as will France or Italy; all of which makes for a bleeding wonderful spectacle for us. My only fear is that the closer the final, the worse the theatrics.

It hasn’t been too bad – indeed Gerrard’s star jumps have been up there with the best – but there are some knobheads who roll around the floor like they’ve injured themselves in an accident at a timber yard. I mean that old duffer who Nalbandian scarred at Queen’s Club yesterday would’ve been doing sixteen somersaults around the park had he been wearing a Croatian football shirt.

The greatest disappointment thus far has been the bottling of it by Poland, both in their first game and their last. Neither the Czechs nor the Greeks could intimidate a flock of sheep, and yet the Poles wilted under the weight of expectation in a way England’s golden generation could only sit back and admire.

The golden generation has of course pretty much gone. At last. This new generation needs a less blingy epithet – one more in keeping with Cameron’s England. It’s the Tinfoil Generation; shiny, modest and surprisingly useful.

250 comments:

  1. We haven't got past Ukraine yet.That won't be easy.

    As a side note,I wonder why Ukraine haven't played any of their games in Kiev?

    ReplyDelete
  2. low expectation is good for our health

    cheers

    ReplyDelete
  3. We're gonna beat Spain and get to the semis (am leaving the trophy lifting optimisms to Trotts).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anfield hopeful? England squad member more like...

      Delete
  4. Whoa..first 3 home games for Liverpool against City, Utd and Arsenal. Good times.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Another decent blog Robbo!
    The Dutch deserved to not qualify any further and from whatever we have seen so far England do deserve to qualify.
    From now on I'd say may the best team from Spain, Germany or England win.

    ReplyDelete
  6. found this old comment this morning on an old blog -

    memories eh?

    153. At 3:30pm on 14 Sep 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    JDR... i'm with you mate, infact i have been living the "JDR Lifestyle" for the last week, just to see if i could get an insight to why you dislike the man Robbo so much... My findings were enlightening to say the least.

    Whilst was watching CBeebies with my 3 year old daughter, Mr Tumbles came on so i screamed "Oh good one Mr Tumbles, real name Justin!!! cant believe were paying for this nonsense, oh here he goes again, more sign language and clowning around"... She cried for a while, but i think in the long run, she'll benefit.

    Then later in the week my young cousin Thomas had the part of Fagin in his drama clubs production of Oliver (He's the white sheep of the family this kid). Well he was not good so i let him have it JDR style... "Rubbish Thomas, same worn out London-Jewish stereotypes seen a thousand time before, Booooo!"

    As every opportunity has arisen, i have lived my life JDR style, and continually criticised anything i can and anyone doing anything under a false name i have unmasked, named and duly shamed them! Also anyone offering anything that is similar in fashion for too long, just because it is popular, has also had both barrels of the JDR rifle!

    So anyway, i am just recently married and though me and the Mrs have been together a long time anyway, certain flames have been re-lit... If you catch my drift (Andre, your dad will explain one day)... Well there we were, the kids asleep and a night of passion ahead of us... Then it dawned on me, my JDR resolution! So i let her know the JDR perception of truth "same old moves... predictable... cliché pillow talk..." it didn’t go down well and she hasn't been down since...

    Anyway, long story short after just one week of the JDR lifestyle i have lost my home, job, wife and am not aloud to talk to the kids for a very long time... I can see why this cheery f*^&!ng blog does his head in!

    It is a lonely existence following the JDR lifestyle, but the feeling in my gut knowing that every day i take just a little bit of happiness away from someone, makes it all worth while...

    ReplyDelete
  7. great blog, as per ususal, robbo. speaking personally, rather than from the perspective of national mental health, low expectations are nowhere near as much fun.

    old lady conkers is the rba post that i still chuckle to myself about when im thinking about old ladies or conkers. which to be honest is very rarely.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AH, This year it is going to be a difficult start, difficult period in between from Xmas to February and again difficult end of the season run in. We have to take it as it comes. This is applicable mostly for all teams in Top 7-8 may be.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Liverpool's fixture list is a masterstroke - they have a ready made excuse for being 10 points off the top 4 by the end of September

    ReplyDelete
  10. Good stuff Robbo. We look slightly above average, first priorities seem to be organisation and keepin' our shape, now, if we cut in half the number of given away passes, double our good luck, chuck in a bit of team spirit and steely English resolve and remove all preponderance for stupidity, then anything can happen. If "anything" does happen for the next 4 games, we'll be Champions of Europe!

    Besides Adam, half the Liverpool team will be exhausted after the Euro triumph with Jordan Henderson's emergence as a National hero, going on to receive a Jubilee Knighthood, so we can excuse their crappy league form next season.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As the Spartans said to the Persians threatening destruction if they attacked

      Archidamus II also said:

      "It is true that the ones who come out on top are the ones who have been trained in the hardest school."

      which rules out england. weak minded, spoiled, too soft.

      Delete
  11. Many pundits have been blabbering on about how lackluster Germany were in their 'win' against Denmark.

    Which leads me to believe these pundits dont nearly watch as much footy as I do.

    Ze Germans have won the 3 games in the group of death without breaking sweat and I am eagerly awaiting them hitting top gear.

    Sure they have a dodgy pair in the back 4 with Boateng being rubbish at RB and Badstuber being out of his depth but the rest of the team complement each other well.

    Wrote it yesterday that the Dutch and the German are forever proving,with contrasting results, how football is a team game where individual skill is only decisive when the collective works.

    England seem to have finally found a manager who is not only master at the fine art of turd polishing but is also aware of the big pile that lays in front of him.

    ReplyDelete
  12. UEFA fines:
    £45,000 Spain 2004 (racism);
    £16,500 Serbia 2007 (racism);
    £10,000 Croatia 2008 (racism).
    €100,000 Bendtner (exposing pants).

    Platini sure has his priorities right.,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Platini's a cock! Remember his "play for your local team", "stop the corrupt practices of football clubs...", is that the same guy who is French but played for Juve, Italian and as corrupt as a defence contract award...

      Delete
    2. Didnt I mention in a previous blog..we are witnessing the slow formation/development of a future slippery /FIFA prezzo? Bendit has been purely penalized for Ambush marketing which eats into the overall profitability of UEFA/FIFA.
      There is no Monetary benefit in abolishing racism in football.... or is there?

      The Clever lad

      Delete
  13. Engeland are doing just fine and as has been proved already in this competition the best teams aren't always going to win (unless they're Germans)

    The greeks have proved that being a bit shit can actually be a good thing, while NL have proved that having a team of so called stars doesn't mean shit.

    To sumarize; Shit is good, good is shit.

    It's in the bag......

    So let's leave it on Spains hotel doorstep, set it alight, ring the doorbell and see if they can tippy tappy it out. We'll then see if Torres' performance against the Irish was a false dawn or he still is a crap finisher.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well, here in the Lowlands there’s a sense of disbelief. As the orange decorations come down faster then a wags undies at a chav Xmas bash, the general concencus is that we didn’t deserve to go through, but still the question, when we had virtualy the same squad full of talent that reaced the WC final just two years before, remains;

    WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Arjen Robben is a selfish, sulky git and wanted to win the tournament on his own. That's what happened.

      Delete
  15. It would be a laugh if the old Itais get a result and Croatia beat Spain, hold on a minute I was dreaming!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Mart, it may not be that far off the mark.

      Ireland made Spain look a lot better then they were, Italy should of beat Spain and Craotia may of beaten Italy in other words....

      What was the question again?

      Delete
  16. Harry Redknapp says: "I wouldn't swap England's front six for Spain's!"

    Full story: Daily Mirror
    ===
    That's because he can't read either team sheet.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks for that info Spitfire. I've just sent the following off to Mr Platininininini:

    Dear Mr Platini,

    UEFA fines:
    £45,000 Spain 2004 (racism);
    £16,500 Serbia 2007 (racism);
    £10,000 Croatia 2008 (racism).
    €100,000 Bendtner (exposing pants).

    Do you not see the ridiculousness of this situation, especially as Bendtner was showing pants of another country, thereby being Anti-racist.

    Please, feel free to respond once France are knocked out of your Euro-Championships.

    Rastafairy

    ReplyDelete
  18. But maybe it's the "Paddy" word that he's got done for. RACIST!!!! I salute you mr Pratini.

    Rastafairy (I am neither a rasta nor a fairy, does that make me racist!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And your neither a cake, nor a biscuit.

      Delete
    2. But by fucking up with your instead of you're, you are looking a bit of a tart.

      Revenge for your Lawro jibe. ;)

      Delete
    3. Oh bugger :). Ah well, I shall be keeping an eye out for you now, young H2H.

      Delete
    4. AH mate, calling me up on my punctuation and spelling mistakes will be a full time job...

      I hope you don't plan on getting much sleep in the future. :)

      Delete
  19. Good Robbo, but too out of sync. This habit of only posting on the Monday just does not work, you know? Unless England are playing on the same Monday, that is.

    I hope you find your way back to more intensive writing, for I miss your angle too much. But the angle alone is not enough, if the timing has to be right too. This would have been funny and fresh last week, and you know it.

    C'mon Robbo! Get in there, and start writing for one of the rags, eh? I mean, even Carragher can do it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm...good chance for the Irish to have seen what some of the newer players to do, but still no starts for the like of McClean or Long. Just one change from the team that lost to Spain. Disappointing from Trapper Tony.

      Delete
    2. Dammit, that was meant to be a new post, not a reply. Fodder to H2's cannons really.

      Delete
  20. Drum roll please.

    The Italians will thrash the living shit out of the boys in green, unless their defence tightens up and Shay Given remembers that he doesn’t have to give goals away.

    I’ve been pretty impressed with the Croatians, not the best team in the competition but one of the most ballsy, they gave the Italians a good game and depending on the Spain line up, will they play six midfielders or a striker, I think that they may throw a spanner in the tikky, tacky, tippy, tappy works ending the reign of Spain and putting them on the plane.

    H2H Kiss of death prediction; Italy and Croatia to go through.

    *Disclaimer, H2H and co are not responsible for any moneys lost due to these predictions.

    If you're daft enough to believe what I said then there's not a judge in the world that would take pity on you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know. There are a few suspect US judges.

      Delete
    2. Only a few?

      Wow, things must be getting better in good ol U. S of

      Delete
  21. USA = justice, freedom, equality and pies for all!

    Come on Ye Croats.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Good thing I transferred out Balotelli in favor of Di Natale for my fantasy team. Might as well just pick a squad of Irishmen, Dutchmen, and a Faroe Islander or two.

    ReplyDelete
  23. So Ireland on par with Holland then?

    Nothing to be ashamed of.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Good to see that UEFA have banned Bendtner for 1 game after those disgraceful scenes as well as fining him €100,000. If he had run up to Nani and called him a "black c**t" he could've got away with just a £25000 fine but showing the waistband of his shorts is just disgraceful.

    ReplyDelete
  25. All Bendtner had to do was replace the 'paddy' with 'white' and hey presto, savings upwards of 80 thousand Euros...

    what a bunch of cunts in charge of a sports organization..

    ReplyDelete
  26. If you want to see genuinely raving mad, swivel-eyed, delusional high expectations look at keanes latest mean minded ramblings.

    Ireland did really well to qualify and had no chance of progressing. Keane meanwhile thinks this means the Irish players and supporters should be throwing themselves on some great funeral pyre built for ignominious losers in the gdansk city square

    Jeez who'd want to play for him as a manager? (jacks?) "you've only drawn today you useless twats so I've instructed the team coachdriver to drive off of Beach Head and let that be a lesson to you. Double training tomorrow report 7 am sharp I don't care if you're dead..."

    I can see him standing naked in front of a mirror in his socks and a napoleon bicorn hat wearing purple face paint chanting in a faux glaswegian accent "i am a winner I am a winner"

    Funny how being a "winner" can sound so much like being a total Loser, ain't it; such a fine line...

    ReplyDelete
  27. How the fuck was that Spain goal not offside?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By being onside?

      No, seriously. Thought it was perfectly fine per definition of the offside rule. Jesus was offside as the ball was played but was back on when Iniesta passed to him.

      Delete
    2. Iniesta appeared to control the ball with his arm though.

      Delete
    3. By the 'daylight' rule it was on, like they ever play that, of Jesus was off then it's same phase so he's still offside (I thought he was on...) but it was a handball or his nipples gave the ball a good bounce back toward goal, all these years it turns out two wrongs do make a right... Watched it in Barcelona with a dicked off Catalan, he fucking hates the Spanish!
      Philthetoffee aka anonymous...

      Delete
    4. if that was onside then im a dutchman, mijn luchtkussenboot zit vol paling.

      Beterschap!

      Delete
    5. If Jesus was offside, do you think the linesman would have the balls to flag him for it?

      Delete
    6. He was onside when the cross was delivered.

      A good call by the linesman, he nailed it.

      Delete
  28. Great blog Robbo. Seeing as the England team are phasing out the 'golden shower' generation, maybe the BBC should do the same with their pundits. Get rid of Hansen, Crooks, Shearer and Lawro (in Lawro's case, I think he should be put down), and usher in the new generation. Dixon is your Rooney, who was part of the previous generation, but still has something to offer, so he can stay, and bring in some new blood. Fuck, I'd even let GNev have a place on the couch.

    Arsenal set to sign 12m Giroud. In addition to Podolski. Preparing for life without RVP, or making good signings in an attempt to convince him to stay? I'm a huge fan of Podolski, so looking forward to seeing him in the Prem next season.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I knew someone would bring jesus into this discussion just to get their point across,
    in vain and all that...
    --BeeZee

    ReplyDelete
  30. who says england fans are thick...

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/england/9337440/Euro-2012-tour-operators-cashing-in-as-England-supporters-head-to-Chernobyl.html

    ReplyDelete
  31. Get too close and they'll end up quite a bit thinner...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Jesus wasn't off-side, he could walk on water that bloke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He did got crossed to death, was bound to rise up to the occasion.

      Delete
    2. Must've been rather too easy to win; all he had to do was turn his opponents' water to wine during the match.

      Delete
  33. K***e as a manager?No thanks,been down that road.

    Apparently he's in the running for the job at Birmingham City.

    That's them Fork Lift Trucked then.

    ReplyDelete
  34. The Euros have been better than I expected so far. Some good games, some surprises (the Dutch, but not the Irish, who had a tough group), and not too much play acting and general pissing around (or maybe I'm just used to watching Drogba).

    On the Irish group it's worth pointing out that Croatia (4.5m) (and Uruguay (3m)) have populations about the same size as Irlad (4.5m) and Scotland (5.2m). So it's not just a small population that keeps those football nations down.

    Quite enjoyed watching England: not the greatest bunch of players, but Woy makes them look like a team. And a team that genuinely wants to do its best. This makes a nice change.

    Fully expecting a nervous night on that score.


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
  35. Must be the lack of regular footy action that's making me so nervous for such an easy game today. I wonder what I'll be like when we're in the finals.

    Personally, I think we're better off playing Spain in the quarters as ze germans in the semis, and anyone else in the finals so that we take on the better teams with relatively lesser pressure on the lads.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Played footy the other day, now I've got schevchenkos knee.

    Englands speedy young fearless strikers to stun the footballing world and run the creaking Ukrainian back line ragged

    5-0 England.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't know about Shevchenko's knee, but whose brain have you wired into, Blog?

      Give it back!! Before it starts to hurt!!


      Jedi

      Delete
  37. nostalgic for the old delusions is all, jedi, more fun. What are we the bloody Germans? "i haf calculated ze probability of a narrow 1-0 victory to ze English as 67%"

    ReplyDelete
  38. This will be One Man Rooney, tonight

    http://ghostgoal.co.uk/2010/05/20/diego-maradona-argentina-vs-belgium-1982/

    ReplyDelete
  39. If rooneys Pele then I guess Scott parker must be beckenbauer, milner must be cruyff and Jordan Henderson? Zinedine zidane oft course

    ReplyDelete
  40. Quite funny:
    ---------
    David Lindskog on Twitter: "Shevchenko versus Terry the slowest race ever. The tortoise vs the tortoise."

    ReplyDelete
  41. Rooney 2, Welbeck and Gerrard the scorers in 5-1 victory.(the "1" due to a rare, uncharacteristic and momentary lapse in concentration by Glenn Johnston)

    ReplyDelete
  42. No chance Trott. I had a dream about this the other night. France to beat Sweden 1-0 and England to beat Ukraine 5-2. But the dream did end with me consoling two swedish nymphomaniacs so it might not be entirely accurate.

    ReplyDelete
  43. You guys sure are optimistic for a bunch of guys who not too long ago were assuming your side could easily head home pointless.

    Well, actually...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. cough cough. my prediction of a 5-1 win is entirely consistent with all predictions I've made concerning our march to Euro and World Cup glory.

      Delete
  44. We're not optimistic at all Stephen. I was dreaming and the other guys are just being ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope now you're celebrating with the Swedes instead of consoling...

      Delete
  45. I stand by 5-0 comprising a rare hat trick of shinned overhead kicks from rooney, one from hart drooling down the pitch and the 5th by micah Richards

    ReplyDelete
  46. It's going to have to be one hell of a second half for me, blog or trott to be right.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Replies
    1. I actually prefer the chicken tarka. It's similar to a chicken tikka but a little bit otter.

      Delete
  48. Tofiq Bahramov's grandson on the byline there

    ReplyDelete
  49. Outplayed most of the match, but going through nonetheless. A goal that wasn't but shouldn't have been but not because of the reason it wasn't.

    Robbo, you have contacts at the BBC. With writing like this, you think they'd give me a job?

    ReplyDelete
  50. I'll go for the chicken Kiev vs Italy colch.

    Job done.

    Disappointed we only scored the one.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Sets up to perfection the loss to Germany on penalties in the semis

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. we actually get France or Spain in the semis for some obsure reason Q1 winner plays Q3 winner and Q" play Q4 - designed to stop Spain playing anyone good before the final.

      And they say Italians fix matches

      Delete
  52. Never in doubt.

    Payback for fat Franks "goal" in the WC.

    THose referees behind the goals are the most useless wastes of space in football since the 4th official was brought in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I say add another ref opposite each already extraneous one on the goal line, plus a couple more linesmen, one more ref on the pitch, and a few on ziplines in the air, like the cameras used for overhead shots. Oh, and develop a new breed of human with independent eyes and a brain that can process both images who can simultaneously watch the ball and the man for offside decisions.

      Or replay/goal line technology for goal decisions only.

      Whichever.

      Delete
  53. Looks like it was offside H, and we would have won the group anyway, so the football gods still owe us a favour

    Starting to think Woy is better than good, he's lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Does anyone know why we chose a base in Poland when all of our group games and both potential quarter final locations were in Ukraine?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coz the FA is made up of blithering idots, thats why Colch.

      Apparently Crapello chose the base and refused to change it once the schedule was announced.

      Delete
  55. FA are twats ....the only other thing which would make any sense over the potentially 10000 miles of commuting by the time we reach the final is the political tensions with Ukraine over the imprisonment of Tymoshenko and the shadow of Putin in Ukrainian politics ....who wants polonium 210 on their cornflakes?

    ReplyDelete
  56. Get the point?

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-18509408

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, sounds like england

      Delete
  57. Ouch.. Lucky to be alive I think.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I see Blohkin is moaning about the ghost goal. I like the way the offside is ignored. Even McNumpty makes no mention of it in his match report. Yes unfortunately I read that.

    ReplyDelete
  59. we've beaten all the peripheral collaborationists in the group stages. Now for a glorious triumphal romp against the WW2 fascists > Italy > Germany > Spain. Then tonight Im gonna party like its Nineteen - forty - Five ...

    my entire life ive been waiting for a major england victory. every tournament for at least the last 15 years ive sworn i will get a 3 lions tattoo if we win it.

    tbh i cant afford it this time so heres hoping we go out in the semis. the italians are even shitter than us so that should be possible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the spirit. ;)

      Delete
    2. Actually your fascist route will be Italy, Spain and Germany. france will collaborate and surrender in the quarters

      Delete
    3. If we win the qtrs, we face the winner of Germany/Greece, not Spain. Winner of Qtr 2 v Qtr 4

      Delete
  60. blog, get one of them tattoos that you lick and press on for a while and see how you like it first.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Nothing like a lucky General.

    I think we've gone as far as we'll go though.I can see Italy being much better at taking their chances.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I guess for a Spurs supporter the ghost goal reduces the deficit to 2-1 (Fwank in 2010 and Mata in the FA Cup semi), but, unless Ukraine had scored again, it would have made no difference to the group, but it still suggests we need goal line technology.

    Only ITV has mentioned the offside, and their commentators are even worse than the Beeb, so it only might be true.

    No sign of Colch this morning. Those Swedish nymphomaniacs must be in good form.


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh it was definitely offside. They showed the replay a few times. Academic now anyway ;)

      Delete
  63. Eng-er-land!!!! Awesome. Awwsum. Exceeded all expectations so far. Parker, Milner and Young were all too boring in the first half. What will it take for Theo to get into starting line up? Even if Theo has a bad half he will come strongly in second half (criticism motivates him, remember 5-2 win against Spurs)

    Not so sure about the offside factor in the ghost goal. The ball went in and may be it's Englan's time to be lucky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm more than happy with Theo and Oxo Chamberpot coming off the bench,running with pace at tired defenders.Milner and Young offer defensive cover for the full backs.It's not exciting,but they work within the shape of the team.

      Delete
  64. I remember it all too well SS. I do think Theo is quite useful as a speed merchant to run at tiring full backs, but it helps (usually) if you give him the ball. I'd bring him on a bit earlier though, especially if England are chasing the game.

    Should have said 3-1 earlier. Forgot the Pedro Mendes ghost goal at OT (and I was there!).


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
  65. Quite often teams that get through the groups on luck more than merit, end up going a longer way than the teams that are more impressive at the start of the tourney. Young played better than his first couple games and Rooney will hopefully shake off all the rust and we will make it past the Italians. Looking forward to taking on the French in the semis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. French are in the other half of the draw. Semis line up decided in criss-cross fashion. England could face Germany.

      Czech v Portugal --> Portugal
      Greece v Germany --> Germany
      France v Spain --> Spain
      England v Italy --> England

      Portugal v Spain --> Portugal
      Germany v England --> Germany

      Portugal v Germany --> Portugal

      Like this we can have 8!(factorial) possibilities ;)

      Delete
    2. SS/Adam - will you please figure this one out and let me know. Woe betide anyone who makes me google this to find out.

      Delete
    3. 8! = 40320.

      So we can have an eventual winner in 40320 different ways from the 8 teams. Yes 40320 ONLY.

      Delete
    4. Surely we get France or Spain?

      http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/european-championship/2012/groups-schedule

      Delete
    5. how is it 40,320 ways, show your calculations please.

      2 possibilities for each 1/4 final = 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 = 16

      2 possibilities for each semi = 16 x 2 x 2 = 64

      2 possibilities for the final = 64 x 2 = 128 different ways to arrive at the eventual winner.

      (and whi gives a rat's arse anyway?)

      Delete
    6. I was never good at maths.

      and why give a rat's arse anyway...England are going to win. It's in the bag. Right!!!

      Delete
    7. thought you worked for a bank? NO.

      no wonder the economy is in the shithole.

      Delete
  66. I was right in the first place, I spend a lot of time researching these apparently inane posts you know .... we play Germany in the semis and Spain will play Portugal, most likely.

    >>> England v Portugal final (Portugal will suddenly wake as though from a dream in their semi vs Spain to the realisstion messi isn't playing)

    >>>England 5 Portugal 0.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's a very conservative estimate, Blog. 9 - 2.

      Delete
    2. England vs Greece final would be better. Ronaldo will hammer Terry and Lescott so best avoid them really.

      If we don't win then I hope Portugal do as it would annoy Barcelona loads that Ronaldo had won a major tournament and Messi hasn't

      Delete
    3. I'm with you on that ;)

      Delete
  67. If the Greeks beat the Germans, does the debt get cancelled?

    And would Bendnter's €100k fine have been much less if his underpants had said "white power" instead of "Paddy power"?

    I think we should be told.


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
  68. So Webb is doing the Czech/Port game, he'd better not screw up and let Czech win, otherwise the Port ref for It/Eng might look for revenge

    ReplyDelete
  69. http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/18527643

    Seriously?

    ReplyDelete
  70. wasnt it fun and infinitely more understandable when group stages were decided by points and goal difference? The constant calculation and permutation during those final group matches just about did me head in.... And as a Nigerian, i think the 'head-to-head' rule was developed by the devil himself in the fiery pits of hell... My country lost out to angola in WC 2006 qualification cause they managed to beat us away even though our goal difference was vastly superior to theirs... Call it sour grapes or anything but my blood boils whenever i hear the words 'head-to-head'.. Oh well... Rant over.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Can anyone explain to me what Jimmy Carr did wrong? As far as I can tell he used a perfectly legal scheme to reduce his tax liability. And then he gets called "morally wrong" by a man who inherited money from his own father's offshore tax havens. Was it just that he wasn't donating the money he'd saved to the Tory party?

    ReplyDelete
  72. Colch

    Jimmy Carr was doing exactly what Rangers FC were doing. He was "investing his salary" and then they were "lending him" his salary back so he could avoid paying tax. It is what is known as circular borrowing and investment where neither activity actually takes place but both parties claim that it does so that they can evade taxation.

    He is costing money from our pockets as our taxes go up to pay for the evasion carried out by people like him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adam,

      isnt there a Tory party biggy who 'saves' some amount or other through 'legal' means?

      The Tory party thoughts?

      Delete
  73. So why did Rangers get hammered for it if it's not illegal? I'm sure most of the hatred aimed at him comes from jealousy. I would love to have an accountant who could get my taxes down from my current 20% to a more resonable 1.5%

    ReplyDelete
  74. And surely it's tax avoidance not tax evasion.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Adam, there's a slight difference. What Carr was doing would have been "discretionary" (he could only get a loan if the trustees (the people who nominally held the money) agreed to it). In practice (with a few nods to making it look good), they would agree to it. Naturally, footballers and their agents don't trust clubs to operate this sort of plan, so they put in side contracts (which are illegal under SFA rules). That is what has "done" Rangers (and why the new club should not be allowed straight back into the SPL).

    And the sort of plan used by Carr (and many others) should no longer work following changes in the rules at the end of last year.

    The worst part of this is that Carr seems to have got this money by pretending to be a comedian.


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
  76. Colch, correct, it's avoidance (legal, but might not be effective), not evasion (hiding the money).

    Rangers may not have been operating their avoidance scheme properly (see above), which means it's ineffective. If they also shredded a load of documents (as rumour has it) that takes it into evasion territory (hiding the evidence).


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
  77. colch how the hell do you only pay 20%. are you with K2 as well?

    Carr's looking worried about the PR isnt he? its not about the "politics of envy" which is the usual line tories trot out, its about everyone paying their bit to resolve an economic crisis precipitated by the cupidity of international bankers and the corrupt short-termism of politicians.

    what people like fred the shred did also wasnt illegal but you'd have to have the conscience of a snake not to recognise it as morally wrong, as we're all bearing the consequences.

    Why does no one ever talk about the Politics of Greed? That's what this is what this is all about.

    Carr's selfish and greedy, I think he's quite open about it actually, no law against that, probably most people could give a toss about anyone other than their friends and family.

    His problem is he has satirised banks in a way that suggests he is actually interested in social justice, and not even ken dodd made that mistake when his plumbstiousness was discommKnockerated (these words are not recognised by my spellchecker)by the Inland revenue.

    And at least Ken Dodd came up with a good line - why should I pay the Inland revenue a pennY when I live by the seaside.

    I actually detest Carr more for his grovelling PR retreat this morning, if he stuck with the "Im selfish, greedy my success is all my own doing I owe nothing to and dont give a toss about anyone else" line then he might actually have been offered his own ministry by the Conservative Party.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Plato tells a story in his Republic about Gyges Ring (cue toilet humour). Gyges finds a ring which makes him invisible (i guess this is where tolkein nicked the idea from). he uses it in the end - im summarising - to shag the queen and kill the king.

    the point Plato is making is that firstly, most people will do what they can get away with (eg Carr).

    secondly, though, the ability to conceal confers a power on the ring holder which corrupts him. public morality in the ideal Republic is therefore aimed at regulating both unchecked self-interest detrimental to the community and excessive power of the minority elite.

    If any of you imagines that controlling excessive wealth and institutionalising close community bonds results in mediocrity then have a closer look at Ancient Sparta, the state Plato was thinking of when he wrote Republic, which dominated Ancient greek affairs for 300 years, with just 10,000 men, thanks to the power of its communitarian institutions. DOnt look too close, though, you might not see what I want you to.

    ReplyDelete
  79. it is true that the ones trained in the toughest schools are the ones who come out on top - Agesilaus II, king of sparta

    Olympic Victories...date/event/city/victor

    684 BC Stadion Sparta Kleoptolemos
    680 BC Stadion Sparta Thalpis
    680 BC Tethrippon Thebes Pagondas
    676 BC Pentathlon Sparta Philombrotos
    676 BC Stadion Sparta Kallisthenes
    672 BC Stadion Athens Eurybates (or Eurybotos or Eurybos)
    672 BC Boxing Kroton Daippos
    672 BC Pentathlon Sparta Philombrotos
    668 BC Pentathlon Sparta Philombrotos
    668 BC Stadion Sparta Charmis
    664 BC Diaulos Sparta Chionis
    664 BC Stadion Sparta Chionis
    660 BC Diaulos Sparta Chionis
    660 BC Stadion Sparta Chionis
    656 BC Diaulos Sparta Chionis
    656 BC Stadion Sparta Chionis
    652 BC Boxing Megara Komaios
    652 BC Stadion Megara Kratinos
    648 BC Horse Race Krannon Krauxidas (or Kraxilas)
    648 BC Stadion Sparta Gylis (or Gygis)
    648 BC Pankration Syracuse Lygdamis
    648 BC Tethrippon Syracuse Myron
    644 BC Stadion Athens Stomas
    640 BC Diaulos Athens Kylon
    640 BC Stadion Sparta Sphairos
    636 BC Pankration Athens Phrynon
    636 BC Stadion Sparta Arytamas
    632 BC Boys' Stadion Elis Polyneikes (or Polynikes)
    632 BC Boys' Wrestling Sparta Hipposthenes
    632 BC Stadion Sparta Eurykleidas
    628 BC Boys' Pentathlon Sparta Eutelidas
    628 BC Stadion Sparta Olyntheus
    624 BC Stadion Sparta Ripsolaos
    624 BC Wrestling Sparta Hipposthenes
    620 BC Stadion Sparta Olyntheus
    620 BC Wrestling Sparta Hipposthenes
    616 BC Wrestling Sparta Hipposthenes
    616 BC Stadion Thebes Kleondas (or Kleonidas)
    612 BC Stadion Sparta Lykotas
    612 BC Wrestling Sparta Hipposthenes
    608 BC Stadion Epidauros Kleon
    608 BC Wrestling Sparta Hipposthenes
    604 BC Boys' Wrestling Sparta Hetoimokles
    604 BC Stadion Sparta Gelon
    600 BC Stadion Epidauros Antikrates
    600 BC Wrestling Sparta Hetoimokles
    596 BC Boys' Stadion Miletos Polymestor
    596 BC Stadion Sparta Chrysamaxos
    596 BC Wrestling Sparta Hetoimokles
    592 BC Tethrippon Athens Alkmaion
    592 BC Stadion Sparta Eurykles
    592 BC Wrestling Sparta Hetoimokles
    588 BC Stadion Kroton Glaukias (or Glykon)
    588 BC Special Event name unknown Lenaios
    588 BC Boxing Samos Pythagoras
    588 BC Wrestling Sparta Hetoimokles
    584 BC Stadion Kroton Lykinos
    580 BC Stadion Sparta Epitelidas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 579 BC

      Fergie joins Man U and the rest is history.

      Delete
  80. that's only 96 years but not one single bike riding or football medal.

    So Giggs was shaggin' the queen and she couldn't even see who was at her?

    ReplyDelete
  81. you are a very funny man, trotts

    SPARTA!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. can I get a tax cut?

      Is that the same Pythagoras that had the a2 = b2 + c2 theorum? Was the boxing ring triangular in 588BC?

      Delete
  82. Pythagoras was a hard nut who once famously said to a pupil "i dont care if youre bored boy learn it or i'll knock your teeth out."

    ReplyDelete
  83. blogdignag21 June 2012 10:41
    colch how the hell do you only pay 20%. are you with K2 as well?
    ______________________________________________________

    I'm assuming Colch has established a Limited Company.He would therefore pay himself a salary equating to his tax code,then receive the rest of his income as dividends,which is paid as Corporation Tax at 20%.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spot on Jacks. Well, that and the fact Mrs Colch is on the books as company secretary which means that I can pay her in the same way to avoid either of us going into the 40% tax bracket.

      Delete
  84. Heres a good corporate scam ....Rangers want to buy Bury FC then play in the English league from ibrox. But will anyone notice?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Presumably in League 1, Blog, which is about right.

      Would anyone notice? Black pudding would taste a bit funny.


      Jedi

      Delete
  85. I just saw a butterfly with a tattoo of a fat slag on its wing

    ReplyDelete
  86. Replies
    1. Out looking for a Butterfly with a tattoo.

      Delete
  87. The Germans are fucked without their Lobster. COME ON YE GREEKS.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Essex FBU have just decided on a series of discontinuous strikes.

    Thought you should be the first to know in case you were planning on catching fire in Essex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "A series of discontinuous strikes" rather sums up England's tournament so far.

      Delete
    2. sums up france in the last world cup pretty well, stephen. i noticed theyre at it again, it looks like theyre turning on nasri for being a bit crap but trying to be The Man

      Delete
  89. I think they should wait for a dry day before they strike!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. its a tricky situation, tone

      either a) do nothing and watch the (BIG) job losses go through, or

      b) try to do something, piss the public off and ruin in your image with futile industrial action and THEN watch the (bigger)job losses go through

      There is of course c) threaten strike action so the chief backs down.

      but theres as much chance of that as England winning the Euros. which is not to say we shouldnt go down fighting like Leonidas at Thermopylae.

      COME ON ENGLAND!

      Delete
  90. they should strike while the iron is hot.

    ReplyDelete
  91. A telling cameo from the BBC. Lee Dixon gestures to Gary Lineker as if to say "he's done that thing we've talked about"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJTnszMPLXQ&feature=player_embedded

    ReplyDelete
  92. Gary Lineker taught me a new word yesterday... 'dench', anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  93. Gary Lineker taught me a new word yesterday... 'dench', anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  94. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dench

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheers, jacks. Must be one of those southern phrases like "avoidance" or "private equity"

      Delete
    2. Indeed Tommy.I see the Guinness Book of Records have confirmed today that the quickest climbdown of K2 has been broken by Jimmy Carr.

      Delete
  95. Happy to see that Czech dude gebre sellasie moving to a bigger club (such as werder bremen is)..i thought he was one of the few bright sparks in the team (despite CR whistling past him to score the goal last night).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pilar and Jiracek looked good, albeit not so much against Portugal. One of their most impressive characteristics was that neither seemed to moan or roll around throughout the tournament, aside from a few whinges at the ref from Jiracek while the Czechs were on their way out.

      I wonder if handing them a six-figure salary would add the whining and diving to their repertoire...

      Delete
  96. I still fucking hate all southerners except for my kids, my wife, most of my friends, slightly above half of the people i work with, some of you lot and Robbo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about the good folk from Alabama and Louisiana bloggy ?

      Delete
    2. Why do you hate my wife?

      Delete
    3. South being anywhere below Hanley?

      Are Trentham residents posh,southern twats?

      Delete
    4. Apart from rhyming slang, cider, London Pride, Brighton Pride, moral panic, burger sauce, the Chelsea smile, the Cotswolds and Nigel Spackman, I ask you.... what have the southerners ever done for us?

      Delete
  97. Is Robbo from the South half of Middlesbrough then?

    ReplyDelete
  98. He pretends to be from Middlesbrough,but is in fact from Islington.

    ReplyDelete
  99. He is originally from Middlesbrough. A quick bit of googling will confirm! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  100. Shocking bit of goalkeeping is this the Monty python version of Greece/ Germany?

    ReplyDelete
  101. The barbarians are at the hot gates and its going to be a massacre

    ReplyDelete
  102. An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Greek, a German, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

    The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My (white) friend wants to have a Black/Asian baby with blue eyes. I told her that if she could manage that, I would take care of the baby shower. It will be a black Thai affair.

      Delete
  103. Greece will be lucky to get nil.

    ReplyDelete
  104. it's a big fat Greek stuffin'.

    ReplyDelete
  105. Not sure if Germans getting better or opposition getting worse.

    ReplyDelete
  106. Germany won but they still have to give Greece some credit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha, a lot of fuckin credit, Spitster and it still might not be enough. Dig out yer drachma.

      Delete
  107. Adrian Child: and as a guest pundit, we have in the studio today a patient from Broadmoor. He's a serial killer so let's give him s warm welcome.

    As you might expect he's sinister, arrogant and thick. He talks shit and is wrong about everything, but he's well known in footballing circles and we like the way he winds up the Irish nation team. His name is R.. K.... (true identity concealed to spare his victims, the viewers, any further suffering)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, R. K. is very annoying.

      Delete
  108. is it that famous Jaffa cake maker, Rudyard Kipling?

    ReplyDelete
  109. Remarkable to think Germany won 4-2 whilst resting their first choice front three.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Women eh?

    https://twitter.com/Inbetweener_/status/216445184450367488/photo/1

    ReplyDelete
  111. what a woman, so understanding, hopefully Chris will be staying away for the semi and beyond!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If Mrs Chris has her way,he won't be getting a semi any time soon.

      Delete
    2. semi? He's off to Poland, he could go all the way!

      Delete
  112. Derek Acorah will never visit the Liverpool F.C. trophy room, as it's REALLY haunted.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Replies
    1. haha, and there I was thinking expectations were low!

      3-1 ENGLAND

      Rooney 2 and Glenn Johnston one at each end.

      Delete
  114. I don't expect to win against Italy, really...

    ...and it's a good thing! Go England!

    ReplyDelete
  115. Think Ze Germans (just watched Snatch again, btw, brilliant that Turkish) would rather play Italy in the SF. england just too unpredictable and carry a lot of pace.

    ReplyDelete