Monday, 9 July 2012

Cry Like You Meant It

So Great Britain returns to its default settings. We can embrace a loser, indeed we can raise him to the status of icon, if only he cries. Not for us the relentless domination of a Woods or a Federer or the Spanish football team. Don’t get us wrong, they’re admirable in their own way. But you don’t see them cry very often. All right they DO cry, but only cos they’re so brilliant. And they don’t mean it, do they?

Andy Murray meant every tear. What courage he showed in trying to speak when he was choking on a bit of personal grief. Yes, until yesterday he was a boring, grim-faced bloke with a giraffe’s neck and an Adam’s Apple that wouldn’t have looked out of place on Finn McCool. His press conferences were about as exciting as a Cliff Richard concert – thank God for that roof, eh? – and he couldn’t tell a joke for toffee.

Indeed the lad who hid under a desk during the primary school massacre at Dunblane seemed to have forgotten how to smile! I mean, come on! He earns a fortune, his girlfriend’s got hair to die for and his entourage isn’t much smaller than Madonna’s. I mean, cheer up son!

But that speech. Now we know who Andy is! Cos he got upset, cos he keeps getting beat by one of three of the best players ever to hold a tennis racquet. Cos if only he had been around when the comparative lightweights like Ivanisevic and Hewitt were winning Wimbledon, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Well I’ve never got why Murray has to justify himself in the hearts of the British people. It’s bloody ridiculous, frankly. I’ve always liked the fact that he’s reserved at press conferences, that he doesn’t let down his guard – and more than that I like the fact that he’s a brilliant tennis player.

I don’t mind that he rants and raves on court, unless he puts himself off by doing it. I’d be happy if he never shed a tear on a tennis court and won three Grand Slams. You get the impression now that the press and the public wouldn’t mind if he carried the Henman baton and passed it on to the next generation of gallant losers.

As Federer prepared to serve for the match, cries of ‘Murray, Murray’ echoed around Centre Court. Wonderful, unprompted, but all in support of the inevitable loser rather than the cast-iron winner. Much like the widespread commendations for Hodgson’s grim Euro 2012 campaign, give a man a ‘plucky and emotional’ tag and this country will embrace you like no other.

Well I’m telling you, Mo Farah, I’m telling you, Jessica Ennis, I’m telling you Ben Ainslie, Rebecca Adlington, Bradley Wiggins, Chris Hoy and the rest of you, you’ll get nowt off me for coming second. Then again you know that or you wouldn’t have won so much already.

Not that I’m having a pop at Murray. There are those who claim he missed his chances, he got passive, he didn’t impose himself like he should. Well maybe, but only a little bit. For here’s the other thing. I know we’re used to Roger Federer by now, but to make the whole match about Britain’s relationship with its best tennis player for 70 years (and word is that no one much cared for that victorious bighead Fred Perry either), seems to me to be the height of neglect.

Federer was bloody marvellous. There is something close to divine about the way he plays the game. Opponents, even quick ones like Murray, seem to be huffing and puffing and straining every sinew as they go about the court; Federer doesn’t even glide so much as teleport himself across the court.

The two drop-volleys at the end of the second set defied description, so beautiful were they, but I’ll do my best: they were the crossed ‘t’s’ and dotted ‘i’s’at the end of a couple of sentences written by a great calligrapher. Murray, a man who is often described as ‘having all the shots’ learnt a few more at the feet of the master.

I mean yes sometimes the fact that it all looks so effortless can get a tad irritating. And the RF brand of clothing is one of the naffest that’s ever adorned a sporting competition. I’ve never seen anyone other than Fed and his entourage actually wear the damn stuff, probably cos your average Joe realises it looks really crap and a bit fey.

But there are times when you reckon the Swiss could win a 28-stroke rally while setting out a table for a spot of afternoon tea. He is the greatest tennis player there’s ever been. There’s no shame in getting beaten by him. There’s even less shame in crying when you talk to the public after losing to him. It’s just a bit of a shame that we needy people seem to require such emotional outbursts before we can truly feel we like a person.

I mean our postman delivered our mail for 25 years but I never felt I truly knew him til I found him slumped on the pavement having broken his ankle. He never misposted one of my letters in all that time but I just couldn’t warm to him as a man.

I never much cared for my brother-in-law either. He was a tight-lipped right-wing bastard with a locktight wallet. Until one day, his cat died and you could not hold him up such was his grief.

And when John Terry burst into tears after he missed that penalty in Moscow – well, that’s when I truly realised that I’ll never warm to that bloke in a million bloody years.

So, in short, it doesn’t matter how good you are at your job – if you’re a sportsperson, even a brilliant, committed, hard-working one like Andy Murray – make sure you have a wobbly emotional moment in public and we’ll all love you. Forever.


260 comments:

  1. Ive never even heard of Andy Murray.

    Tennis is it?

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  2. But did your postie ever celebrate when delivering your letters? You know, by taking his shirt off and adopting a body-builder stance.

    That's what they do isn't it?

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  3. I'm not a tennis fan, but anyone who plays any sport (excluding horse and motor racing, which just don't count) with the style of Federer has to be worth watching.

    Top stuff as usual Robbo, although I still can't warm to Murray.


    Jedi

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  4. good stuff Robbo, shame I missed his sobbing, no doubt there'll be replays or a repeat next year.

    Blog, did that Roger Federer bloke learn how to play tennis using a whelk on Rhyl beach? It seems to have been lost in all the reports.

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    Replies
    1. i saw him with his brother one year, trott, they had a whelk and two frying pans, but then got hungry, fried and ate it. the real difference between the two is that federer would never have eaten the up-market Mooloolabah prawn he practised with his sister on Monaco beach with an old pair of czar alexanders golden bed warmers and if he had eaten it would have been in crumbs made from brioche blended with a soupcon of saffron, turmeric, cumin or ground coriander for added flavour

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    2. that sounds like one of Hannibal Lechter's recipes. Is his sister's name Clarice?

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  5. hear hear!
    bisq

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  6. But a good blog despite the subject matter. I'd like it more if I knew that you'd been shedding tears over the keyboard as you typed it.

    Terry on trial. They've come to the conclusion that he used racial, derogatory language towards Ferdinand. No shit. We all knew that months ago, before all the agro with should he/shouldn't he be in the England squad.

    Vertonghen finally signed at Spurs. Jeez, I think that transfer can be categorised as a saga for Spurs fans. He'd better be good after all this.

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  7. Come on Tim!

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  8. Right up there with Noel; no interest in tennis, but good points as always.

    Just disappointed that you didn't get into Bradley Wiggins, who said the following when asked about those who accuse him of doping:

    “I say they’re just fucking wankers. I cannot be doing with people like that.

    It justifies their own bone-idleness because they can’t ever imagine applying themselves to do anything in their lives.

    It’s easy for them to sit under a pseudonym on Twitter and write that sort of shit, rather than get off their arses in their own lives and apply themselves and work hard at something and achieve something. And that’s ultimately it. Cunts.”

    Your thoughts?

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  9. Nice piece. Wimbledon just passed me by this year, it was over before I'd even realised it started. Can't imagine I missed much and even if I did....Meh, *shrugs shoulders*

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  10. Blogs. Your beach football/whelk story literaly had me in tears.

    How y'all like me now?

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  11. As much as ever H2. Sorry.

    New found respect for Bradley Wiggins for that answer (I still can't see the point of watching a load of doped up blokes riding bikes for 3 weeks, though).


    Jedi

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    Replies
    1. I can just about handle watching them, but I'll never understand listening to radio commentary of it.

      "And they're on they're bikes, moving forward along the road, in a large group... looks like one of them is pedaling quite quickly, but so are the others... passing by some grass now, and spectators are waving but the cyclists don't seem to notice... I think that cow just looked up and there's a very interesting bale of hay by the side of the road... one of the cyclists is--no he couldn't possibly--he IS! He is drinking from a bottle of water without falling off his bicycle! Will wonders never cease?"

      I did once listen to a period of an ice hockey game where the broadcasters had gone on strike. It was nothing but the sound of players skating around, faint crowd sounds to accompany the implied action, and the rare horn going off for a goal. Surreal.

      Delete
  12. Anyone else think that this whole Terry v Ferdinand trial is a big waste of time, don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning racism or argueing the fact that JT is an utter crapbag, but if the highest penalty he can recieve, if found guilty, is a £2,500 fine, then whats the point?

    It's not like him being found guilty or innocent is going to change many peoples opinion of him, nor is it going to help stamp racism out of the game.

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  13. lets not forget tennis is a ladies sport and they like the old tearful self-effacement pantomime dont they, the ladies (so im told)

    ive got to say, Robbo, at the heart of this piece is the old cliche that we like losers, which i dont think is true, incidentally hence the term of abuse "Loser" and glorious failures like the charge of the light brigade and Dunkirk etc and the implication is always, well Britain we've got high expectations and we used to be great but actually we're a bit crap at sports now, arent we.

    none of this is true, its the high expectation we like, not the failure. its charging the sebastepol guns, not being (inevtably)killed by them that we rightly esteem.

    tennis i dont care about but we won the doubles and had a finalist in the mens, brit in maillot jaune, thrashed oz in cricket, high hopes for the olympics, not forgetting FOURTH BEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE WORLD (cough cough) etc etc, we might not have the resources to cheat the system as well as usa or Oz, we might not have the altitude cheating potential of the african runners or the sophisticated drug concealment cheating regime of the eastern Bloc, and sometimes in some sports we may not be right pretty, we not be very good, but we're here, and for one summer only, with nothing to lose, we're daring to go The Full Monty!

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  14. right, heard the lad sobbing as they replayed it on the Imus news report, then they took the piss, quite funny really. Didn't quite evoke Mel Gibson in Braveheart but touching nontheless.

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    Replies
    1. Imus interviewing Terry would make for quite the racial Molotov cocktail...

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  15. I guess the primary reason for Man U selling Park to QPR is to avoid having someone else mistake him for Kagawa. Was surprised to see him leave though. Though he wasn't a regular starter, he was a reasonably important Man U player and a move from there to QPR seems like a bit of a fall.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe he liked the idea that his name was in the team.

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    2. he's a lot like me, getting old, slowing down with a reduction in his work rate, still makes a useful contribution on the big occasions though.

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    3. That reminded me of me until the last bit, Trot. According to Mrs Jedi I never make useful contributions.



      Jedi

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    4. £5M for him is a good deal though especially at his age and the fact he is a squad player at United

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  16. BR says a signing that will excite all supporters is imminent. Could be anyone really then. We were all excited about gylfi till he showed up at WHL. Doesnt take much to excite us nowadays. What would be really exciting though would be getting rid of henderson, adam, and downing.

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  17. Nice blog Robbo.

    Was in Spain so missed the suposedly biggest match Murray ever played but the Federer is the best player ever no doubt.

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  18. They'll have to call the "god particle" something else now we know it exists.

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  19. How about the "futile shit-stained nothingness" particle?

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  20. Hugs Bosom does sound like a pervert. Dont know why they named stuff after him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it was the Hugs Bosom particle, we men would've found it ages ago.

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    2. With the Large Hard-on Collider

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    3. LOL..... boy i love this blog.makes my weeks shorter!

      The Clever Lad

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  21. I say it again, who the fuck is Bradley Wiggins?

    The only way I would watch tennis is if they replaced the balls with live grenades.

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    Replies
    1. I think he's the bloke that knicked Blog's bike, Bo.

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    2. He's currently riding round France on blog's bike wearing a yellow jersey, Bo. Multiple Olympic and World gold medal winner too, I believe.

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    3. Even the Old Bill should be able to sort that one out Noel.


      Jedi

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    4. Bo i was at school with Wiggins. One day I was, I wasnt doing anything at all and I saw Wiggins behind a bush and he-, he-, was being jolly naughty, he was playing with his bicycle and I said you didnt ought to do that Wiggins, cos if Sir catches you he'll get jolly batey and then sir came and saw me watching Wiggins playing with his bicycle and he said...

      http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_08.htm

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    5. tee hee tee hee tee hee tee hee

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  22. http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Complaints-Port-Vale-players-caught-urinating/story-16510441-detail/story.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As they've been taking the pee all season they have just been giving some of it back to the community

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    2. they should have used the phone box like everyone else, jacks

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  23. I thought Andy Murray played well on Sunday and when he broke Federer in teh 1st game and won the set I honestly thought he was going to win it and then Federer served up a masterclass in Tennis and it was over in 4. Hopefully Murray can win a Grand Slam soon but he is up agsinst some exceptional players.

    Asid from that the new Olympic single by Muse is dreadful. Tennant/Lowe's effort whilst not their best would be far easier on the ears considering the song will be played for every medals eceremony and prior to the athletes for every event entering the stadium. Might have to buy official Olympic ear plugs if you're going

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  24. So apparently the guy we're all going to get excited about is Fabio Borini. The sad part is probably that we are going to get excited about this guy.

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  25. Is your club trying to loan out a 35million quid striker?
    Did your club loan out a 25million quid midfielder?
    Is your club Liverpool Football Club?

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    Replies
    1. Well, the managers who got the 35 and 16 (I guess you refer to Aqua who cast 16 mil) mil players respectively were no longer in charge. Having got a new manager in place, you should really let him play who he wants rather than stick with someone who he doesnt think fits in. Had Dalglish loaned out AC or Rafa loaned out Aqua, that would have been just plain silly.

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    2. well I guess you are right but its not going to stop me from making a joke about it.

      Delete
  26. http://www.wsc.co.uk/wsc-daily/1149-july-2012/8780-arsenal-need-to-act-quickly-over-robin-van-persie

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  27. Come back to the BBC, Robbo!

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  28. Thanks for clearing up the Wiggins mystery for me guys. He sounds a bit of a wanker.

    Arsenal need to stop making their prize assets captain. It may help also if they opened the purse strings a little.

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    Replies
    1. I think Wiggins is alright, Bo. He'd been riding up mountains for 6 hours and as soon as he crossed the line, a journalist stuck a mic under his nose and said 'people on twitter are saying that you're only in the lead because you're cheating, what's your response?' I agree with what he said, but then I'm not big on this twitter bollocks. Wiggins isn't as arrogant as Cavendish, and not as twatty as a Schleck. He seems quite humble and grounded.

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    2. Noel, my comments on Wiggins are based soley on Blog's comments.

      Delete
  29. "John Terry angry about racism claims".

    Any truth in the rumour he said "Which f**king black c**t called me a racist? I'll f**king 'av 'im."


    Jedi

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  30. Bo.

    may help also if they opened the purse strings a little.

    So, 140 grand a week plus 5mill signing on fee is pidgoen feed then?

    How much should they offer him?

    Would it be worth the club doing a Leeds or a Rangers just to keep some cash hungry players?

    No, no, no, no.

    The club have made him a good offer, in my opinion a stupid amount of cash, it's only because the likes of the Mancs and the Chavs, who have distorted the market beyond any resonable recognition that the so called top players are getting greedier and greedier. Do you really think before Sheik Yo'moneymaker bogied into the CoM that any player at Citeh was making more then 40-50 g a week? (still stoopid money) Hell to the No.

    How much do you think Spurs biggest earners are on? Or those from L'pool, Newcastle or Everton. I can tell you it's nowhere near what van Persie has been offered, maybe not even close to half.

    Open the purse strings?

    Hang the greedy basterds with them more like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A good point but problem is although £130K = £5M is an excellent deal hi sagent knows he can probably get £250K p/w at Eastlands which is £26M over 5 years and can be about market value more than anything else.

      Arsenalk have bought good players over the summer but can't help thinking if he goew to City he will be behind Tevez and Aguero in the pecking order and at Barca Villa is first choice.

      Needs to get himself to Utd and play up front with Rooney or to Milan both of whom are ambitious clubs where he would be 1st choice

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    2. Other issue could be he is worried that Arsenal view themselves alongside Newcastle, Everton, Liverpool, Spurs rather than United, City, Chelsea group of clubs.

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    3. Financially seen we are above those clubs Adam, but when it comes to Citeh and the chavs we can't/won't compete with their stupid wage structures. Citeh took an almost 200mill loss last term, that's no way to run a business and hopefully the FFp will bring back a bit of sanity to the game (although I won't hold my breath.

      Man Utd, after years of being on top of the pile, while themselves distorting the market, are now also starting to realise that this trend can't continue, they also let themselves be held over a barrel by Rooney's "ambitions", when he stated that he was unsure if the club matched his, but he soon shut up when offered a larger pay packet.

      They are now looking at floating themselves on the stock market to gernerate extra cash as the interest on their debts are spiraling out of control.

      Does this make them a more ambitious club then Arsenal?

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    4. Plus;

      his agent knows he can probably get £250K p/w at Eastlands which is £26M over 5 years and can be about market value more than anything else.

      If they give a 29 year old with a dodgy injury past that kind of contract then they truly have destroyed the game.

      Delete
  31. And the Gerordies were pissed about the renaming of St James Park;

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-18786163

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  32. Whoa! The robbo pic up top actuals flips around when you do a mouse-over. How cool is that.

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  33. Now the toffs are going to tax 5 a side footie. Theyll change their minds when the official government token non-toff points out the similarity with the pie tax debacle, but Jesus what planet is this clueless, elitist, out of touch bunch of chinless wankers really from.

    Greetings. I am Dave.
    I am Gideon
    (together) We-are-from-the-Planet-Arse

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    Replies
    1. The interior of said planet, more like it!

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    2. I saw that 'Arry was up in arms about said tax, saying how hard it was to get the kids off the couches and away from video games as it is......

      What was it that Jamie promotes, have you forgotten 'Arry?

      Wii haven't.

      Delete
  34. Well, what do you know..

    http://www.givemefootball.com/premier-league/van-persie-may-sign-new-arsenal-deal

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    Replies
    1. Saw that yesterday, don't believe a word of it....

      So it could be true.

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  35. This is is either the funniest or sadest thing I’ve heard all day, I’m not sure which;

    Paul Waugh ‏@paulwaugh
    QC tday asked John Terry how many times he’d been sent off. “Can you say, please? Four times?” JT answered: “Please, please, please, please”

    Paul Waugh ‏@paulwaugh
    I wasn’t making up John Terry’s ’4 pleases’ gaffe btw. The court fell about laughing.

    @paulwaugh
    Editor of PoliticsHome.com News, gossip and comment from House of Commons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or it's simply a briliant attempt to play the insanity card.

      It worked for 'Arry.

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    2. Did this really happen ? Man, I wish I'd been there if it did.

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    3. Some things you just can't make up A;

      http://www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/john-terry-trial-please-please-please-could-you-repeat-that-7936075.html

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    4. Maybe he has a career in comedy after he retires.

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  36. they're gonna tax blog comments and email next, 40% on video games, triple cell phone rates for kids, 200 quid each on ipods, ipads and anything else beginning with "i" or "e", double license fee and triple TV costs for kids shows, that'll get the little buggers off the couch. No VAT on balls, bats and boots and all other sports equipment. Pocket money is being capped at 3s and 6d per week.

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  37. I know its off topic and I'm not particularly looking forward to them, but Olympics---- These are some of the German team, Dont worry about the text, just click on the pics

    http://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article108261540/So-sexy-sind-Deutschlands-Gold-Maedchen.html

    1 or 2 tasty madels

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    Replies
    1. can I play with thier team (sorry I mean on their team) oh bother it all sounds rude really

      Delete
  38. fuckin 'ell, now we're talkin, we've got Norah Batty doing the heptathlon. Now, where did I put that German flag?

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  39. They are now looking at floating themselves on the stock market to gernerate extra cash as the interest on their debts are spiraling out of control.

    Does this make them a more ambitious club then Arsenal?
    ---

    No it doesn't but unfortunately players and agents are greedy and view ambition as meaning spend money you don't have on us and then go out of business when we've left (Leeds, Portsmouth, Rangers) and havinga chairman and manager stupid or rich enough to do so.

    Reply function not working today

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you see it that way too.

      There are only a handful of clubs who pay double ridiculous wages, if they were to tell the agents/players to go fucck themselves, then you can bet that the players would still sign for less. The bubble will eventually burst anyway....

      Death to player power.

      Delete
  40. Adam, download Google Chrome, that should fix all your blogger related problems.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. problem is at work I'm only allowed Internet Explorer so have to make do. the reply function is sporadic though sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't

      Delete
  41. Aha...just read that BR has got himself a house in Formby. Wonder if he's bought me grandpa's place (though he may be earning enough to afford something a tad nicer)...tears to my eyes and all that.

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  42. The Football League says it will allow Portsmouth into League One for the 2012-13 season - but they will start on minus 10 points.
    ------------------------------------
    Of for fucks sake..never been a pompei fan but why another penalty...might as well put them in the next league with no penalties and allow them to compete for something. this is just going to be another season long torture session for the poor bastards.

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    Replies
    1. Start them in the Scottish Third Division with Rangers.

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  43. Quiz time. Who said this.

    This kit is different to last season’s and I’m really excited to wear it. I might do something with my hair to match.

    Was it...

    a) Jordan

    b) Coleen Rooney

    c) H out of Steps

    d) Julian clarey

    OR

    e) Alex fuckin Song on trying on the new pink away kit made out of recycled rubbish*

    (*enter joke about new signings here).

    By the way if one of the recycled plastic bottles its made from is the one I had an emergency piss in the other week that particular kit is going to wreek of Doombolt strong ale.

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    Replies
    1. I thought it was Wayne Rooney, given all the work he's had done on his empty head.

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  44. I see JT gets away with it then! *rolls eyes*

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    Replies
    1. Yep. Apparently not guilty. He must be relieved, because that 2.5 grand maximum fine if found guilty would have really hit him where it hurts.

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  45. Looks like Spurs are signing Adebayor on a permanent deal. Not too excited about that one. He's not what you'd call prolific, and now that he's not playing for a contract will probably revert back to his default setting of being a bit of a dick. And not the kind of personality you want in your dressing room if you're a young manager under a lot of pressure to prove yourself. Fuck knows what wages he's on too. Levy doesn't pay more than 100k a week, so he's either on a heavily weighted bonus contract or he's taken a 150% pay cut.

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    Replies
    1. That being said, I like the way Spurs are going about quickly buying proven players. Kinda wistfully wishing we were doing the same. That being said, the Borini's and Dempsey's of the world might have been what we are missing. Who knows. Cant wait for the season to start really, the suspense is killing me.

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    2. Dempsey would be a good signing for Liverpool. He could take some of the load of Stevie G. Big loss for Fulham though.

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    3. They could be getting a rejuvenated AC though :).

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    4. Sorry to be a pedant Noel but a 150% pay cut would mean he is paying Spuds to play for them. And NOBODY could be that desperate to play for the Hotspurts.

      Rastafairy

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    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    6. Haha, you're right there Rasta. Must have been a long day. I was going for 'a 150 grand pay cut'.

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  46. What the fuck -

    13th Jul 2012 Rodgers keen to keep Maxi
    13th Jul 2012 LFC confirm Maxi departure

    ----------------------------------------------------
    Both stories on the same day???? So that's Kuyt and Maxi gone now. Can't say both were totally unwarranted unless you see that adam and downing are still there.

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  47. Noel future looks rosy for spurs if
    a) vb is half as good as he thinks he is and
    b) abramovitch doesn't have him killed

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    Replies
    1. And if AVB stops talking about 'projects'.

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  48. Golden age of cycling again gives the lie to the cliche about us loving losers. We invented all sports and can dominate ant one of them any time we choose. Secretly in their hearts, Europe, America, India, Oz, Ireland... they know we should be in charge, and the proof is wiggins, froome, cavendish.

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    1. Can't wait to see your ice hockey team awaken from its slumber just after your world titles in basketball, bobsled, table tennis, football (American and real, men's and women's as applicable), badminton, volleyball.......

      Or did you mean you love losing?

      Here in America we pretty much only pay attention to sports we can win, and any time we have doubts we call it a "World Series" or the like by scheduling only opponents in North America.

      Delete
    2. no, what the Yanks do is knick a sport, change the rules so only they understand it and then call it their own. Rounders becomes baseball, netball becomes basketball, rugby becomes "football" and nobody from GB gives a shit about ice hockey as we never got frozen long enough back when they were inventing all the sports that matter.

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    3. Yeah, that sounds about right Trot!

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    4. Trot, I disagree with none of that. If we haven't changed the rules, we aren't interested.

      Who invented dodgeball? Brits? Or did you steal that from the Chinese, too?

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    5. The Brits invented dodgeball but due to a ball shortage they reinvented it as "dodgewhelk" and when all the whelks were gone to help the furtherance of golf and tennis, they just kicked the shit out of one another in a new variation called "dodgefoot". Other Nations (not sure which ones) stole this and with participants dressed in colorful silk shorts it became what we know today as "kickboxing".

      Delete
  49. They're not sports you cite there, Stephen, they're all children's games

    ReplyDelete
  50. Judging by the crowds, the school burning down in felsted is the most exciting thing to happen there since they burned a witch in 1550

    ReplyDelete
  51. Beach volleyball will be like a wet t-shirt competition

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They wear t-shirts now?

      Delete
  52. Due to cost restraints, the international Olympic Committee
    are planning to rebrand the next Olympics the Marine Gastropod Mollusc Olympics

    It will feature austerity events such as Putting the whelk, synchronized whelking, the 100cm Whelk dash, and Spot the Whelk.

    The main events will be limited to molluscs of the Bracchidae family but there will be a Paralympics for molluscs of the Trochidae genus, who differ from True Whelk as they only have one kidney.

    If the economy continues to decline even the Whelk Olympics may prove too costly and contingency plans are in place for a Michael Bentines Potty Time Olympics in a tray of sand in Marbella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they don't fully support the games, the IOC will be considered shellfish.

      Delete
  53. I better get training, as I plan to represent the USA in Spot the Whelk. If I can find one in Utah, I can find one anywhere.

    Was hoping for whelktathlon (100cm, short jump, whelk put, jump the stack of whelks, 400cm, 110cm whelk hurdles, discus-style whelk throw, pole vault over the stack of whelks, javelin-style whelk throw, 1500cm) but I don't think I have enough whelks. Puts us inland Yanks at a significant disadvantage.

    But for the eventual winners, it will be a job whelk done.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Did anyone see the Amir Khan fight? I've only seen the highlights but from what I saw the last time someone got battered around the ring that badly they ended up dead in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elton John gets battered around the ring often, he doesn't seem too bothered by it.

      Delete
    2. Is it getting that bad around here, or is everyone bored with the lack of footy?

      Delete
  55. Friend of mine has a client who is a security consultant (ex army). Do G4S want his help? Do they f**k? Just trying to get a load of people on minimum wage. And they haven't even done that.


    Jedi.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I guess that this G4S stands for Group 4 Security? I seem to remember when I was a young teenager, weren't they the security firm that seemed to lose a prisoner every week as they transported them between prison and court? How are they still in business, and why are the British government still giving them work, particularly such high profile work?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. if that is so, it really buggers me that they did not even bother to change their name, which is all it takes to keep the public satisfied, haha

      --BeeZee

      Delete
    2. Yes Noel, that's the company. I'm surprised they are still in business!

      Delete
  57. how can we be the 10th richest sports team (not just football) in the world and not be able to compete financially.Now I know about the stadium and all and that the russians and shiekhs have changed the landscape but the fact remains that we are very very rich and have been for a long time. something is not right here if our back up strikers last term were a free signing and a 2 mill unknown Korean player...
    http://www.goal.com/en/news/9/england/2012/07/16/3246267/manchester-united-top-forbes-most-valuable-team-list

    --BeeZee

    ReplyDelete
  58. The captain of korea is a 2 mill unknown... I guess if it aint european.. It aint sh*t.. Eh, beezee?

    ReplyDelete
  59. Ah well... Cant even defend him with a straight face.. Park chu young really is shite!

    ReplyDelete
  60. Not long to go now, till the most important sporting event of the summer.

    No, not the overhyped commercial crap in the East End. The England v South Africa test series.

    Is anyone else already pissed off with the Olympics?


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
  61. Great headline in our local paper.

    https://twitter.com/JacksofBuxton/status/225669778105303040/photo/1

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a great headline!

      Delete
  62. G4S strike again...
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-18904287

    ReplyDelete
  63. Is there any job that old Sven has not expressed interest in ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's not yet pitched in for "Head Of Olympic Security"

      Delete
  64. The fbu strike in Essex is suicidal. But on the other hand I'm loving the Tour de France.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Frank schlek has pissed hid season up the wall taking that banned diuretic.

    And the only thing that can stop wiggins is if one of his mutton chops falls off gets caught in the gears and slings him head first down the Col D'epaule Casse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheers for that mental image.

      Delete
  66. It's good to see a British team,filled with talent working for a British winner.Be interesting to see what they offer Christopher Froome to keep him happy.I think Cav will leave Team Sky as they are all about GC wins.

    ReplyDelete
  67. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/ipswich-town/9414354/Free-agent-Emile-Heskey-opens-talks-with-Ipswich-as-Paul-Jewell-hopes-to-team-up-with-striker-again.html

    What great news.....

    ReplyDelete
  68. What a bike race tho, jacks. I'm loving every second and have even bought some proper bike gear so like a 9 year old I can pretend I'm one of them. Thank god for the Dreyfus Case.

    You've got to love the french, Wiggo like Cav is applauded because he's a great cyclist, but also because he's actually got a personality (even tho Sky are the Chelsea of bike teams - j'accuse!). He said in an interview he'd support froome at some point, they'll take some beating in whatever order next year.

    Reading about the early Tours, in the second one all the winners were disqualified because they'll all cheated, jumping in cars during the night stages, hopping on trains etc. as I say, you've got to love the French.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Geoffrey Wheatcroft wrote a fantastic book about the history of the TDF to coincide with the centenary in 2003.Early cyclists used to have piano wire tied to the back of cars and would be towed along using their teeth!!

    As for Sky being the Chelsea of cycling,5 teams have higher wage budgets than Sky.Cadel Evans is on twice Wiggo's wage,and Cadel isn't the highest paid rider in his own team.Philippe Gilbert earns $2.8m a year.

    ReplyDelete
  70. And this is the French view of Bradley.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18899902

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting article.

      Delete
  71. And the RvP saga now promises to keep going on for a while...

    ReplyDelete
  72. so, does it mean that Brandt Snedeker will have the yellow jersey?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't it normally a jacket in golf?

      Delete
  73. I meant sky =chelsea because of remorseless, unadventurous defence, jacks, rather than because they're rich, but now you mention it it does surprise me they're not the top payers

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The plan Sky set up for Wiggo in the mountains is quite an aggressive one really.Ride a hard tempo at the front and force everyone else off the back.Then they let Brad and Froome go at the top.The other thing is they have the maillot jaune,it's up to other riders to take it away from them.

      Delete
  74. Anyone watching this younger re- run of the England squad being outclassed by Brazil - stronger, cleverer , more inventive. We can't keep it so we're chasing it like kids playing men . When we run out of energy it could get embarrassing.

    Predo ....GB 0-5 Brazil

    ReplyDelete
  75. Neymars ya little weasel.... dived like someone pulled a carpet from under him.

    ReplyDelete
  76. Yep you're right Jacks - the interview by Cav yesterday after a tremendous stage win were very doom and gloom about his role within the team. The fact that the team strategy for that stage was just to stay out of trouble, and not even allow Cav to contest a sprint until he asked if he could shows that Sky are sticking to the team priority. Fair enough, but it's not going to be something that Cav wants to do, so he'll be looking for a new team if Sky continue to chase GCs in future tours. He has another two years on his contract at Sky, so we'll see what happens. What a sprint though yesterday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's still the fastest by miles Noel.Now that Sky have enough riders to go for GC wins in the Grand Tours (Wiggo,Froome,Uran,Heino) I suspect Cav will be riding for Omega Pharma Quickstep next season.

      Delete
    2. I think you have to hand to the whole team, they have been great, with the likes of Bernie E and Cav doing a lot of the fetching(and Bo Hag), with Rogers Porte and Knees then doing a lot of the hard grind at the front, picked up by Brad and Froome.

      Yesterdays stage which was supposed to be relatively boring,was excellent with wiggins leading out then Bo Hag, plus Cavs final burst

      btw look at the team, http://www.teamsky.com/ and check out Michael Rogers, is Joe Harts double?

      Delete
  77. Dixon's reaction when Shearer interrupts is priceless. No wonder he left if he had to put up with those muppets.

    http://www.offthepost.info/blog/2012/07/ex-bbc-pundit-lee-dixon-and-other-former-arsenal-stars-pundit-performances-rated/

    ReplyDelete
  78. I'm in awe of wiggo. He winds down by writing articles which shame the round faced twats with posh parents who pass as pro journos these days

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2012/jul/20/bradley-wiggins-tour-de-france

    ReplyDelete
  79. A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

    "Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

    "Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

    "And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

    "Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

    "So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

    "Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

    "So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

    "Oh no," says the farmer.

    "So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

    "Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

    ReplyDelete
  80. Long time since I've been as inspired by anyone so much or anyone at all come to think of it. I've been cycling fairly seriously for a couple of years now but it's mostly due to wiggo that I've now bought proper gear and spent the odd half hour staring at my bike dreaming of alpe d'huez. There's an individual heroism and team ethos in road racing which footballers can only dream of.

    watching our proven arsehole captain giggs staring blankly into the middle distance with a face like a slapped arse during the national anthem, made me think dyou know what ive had enough of football and it's scumbaggery.

    ReplyDelete
  81. Port Vale followed up their 8-0 victory at Alsager with a 5-0 win at Biddulph Town on Wednesday evening.

    That's alsager under 11s and biddulph town ladies bowls team...

    ReplyDelete
  82. What a time trial! I think that equaled last years where Cadel made up the time on Andy Schlek for excitment. For Bradley to make so much time on his competitors was fantastic, and as Froome pointed out, he's obviously the stronger rider. And for Richie Porte to come 5th shows the team strength.

    Young TJ overtaking Cadel was an incredible effort, although I just don't think Cadel has had the legs in this years Tour. Also he claims to have had illnesses which won't have helped. Who'll be BMC GC contender next year then?

    ReplyDelete
  83. Well done Capt. Cavman and colonel wiggo, we take over the TdF and add confusion...Cav with his surprisingly articulate topless model gf and wiggos pronouncements....now we're going to choose the raffle numbers...classic, given the English habit of appending a raffle to every public event ill be surprised if there's not one at the Olympic closing ceremony.

    TdF Trophies were rubbish, a cuddly toy and a cabbage.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Yeah, congrats to all at team Sky, great lead out by wiggins, then EBH leaving an easy cruise missile from the IOM to win the stage for the 4th time
    I'm sure if Siutsou hadnt crashed out they would have won the team award as well, esp as BW,CF and RP pulled back 8 mins on RadioShack in the last time trial

    ReplyDelete
  85. Is it safe to look now ? Are we done with all the cycling posts ?

    ReplyDelete
  86. As long as we don't start on fucking golf now.

    ReplyDelete
  87. I was quite happy with the golf actually as that numpty ex-caddie of Tigers ddidn't win it (as according to him he wins it not the person doing the actual hitting of the golf ball)

    ReplyDelete
  88. Just one reason that proves rugby league is better than rugby union - can't do this in union:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXDS5vinIMQ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Golf cant be too far off now.

      Delete
    2. Reminds me of Rowan Atkinson and the lamppost - always look where you're going

      Delete
  89. Fuckin' Golf eh, fanfuckintastic. That tickled old Ernie.

    ReplyDelete
  90. So football kicks off at the New York Stadium, albeit a friendly

    Next week I'll be back in the UK so will pay visit to the town of my birth(doff my hat in passing Millmoor) and visit the new place

    ReplyDelete
  91. Sad times in the Colch household. I've got whitefly on my sprouts. In a completely non-euphemistic way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. look on the bright side, it beat sprouts on yer fly, Colch.

      Delete
  92. One by one, the MLS steals your aging semi-stars...

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/18963044

    ReplyDelete
  93. Fantasy Football Leagues up and running.

    www.premierleague.com

    jacks barber shop

    215538-62238

    robbo blog league

    215538-62239

    jacks head to head

    215538-62252

    robbo head to head

    215538-62260

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now you're talking baby. All this cycling and golf shit was driving me to suicide. I will survive now. Jacks, you have saved my life.

      Delete
    2. Bradley Wiggins has signed up for them AH.

      Delete
  94. This made me smile.

    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/religion

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That actually is quite amusing to be fair

      Delete
    2. Brilliant!

      Delete
  95. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Cassette Boy's Boris Johnson Olympic Special.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEDFMKjhLRw

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good old BoJo

      by coincidence my daughter sent me that from another site

      Delete
  97. Thanks Jacks. All signed up, pre-season training begins tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  98. Thanks Jacks. I'm in and already second-guessing my picks.

    ReplyDelete
  99. http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/18971248

    A clever bastard is still a bastard.

    ReplyDelete
  100. Someone please just buy Luka Modric - I can't be seeing his ugly face every time I go on the BBC or Sky Sports sites.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is an ungrateful git isn't he?

      Delete
  101. Could someone explain what the fuck Andy Carrols Liverpool career (or lack of) has to do with pardew! If you wanna buy him back then make an acceptable bid otherwise shut the fuck up!
    Bisq

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All part of the grand game of player transfers.

      Delete
  102. Does anyone think £100m just isn't enough?...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fantasy Football that is not the Euromillions...

      Delete
    2. Well, it probably isn't for you to pick the best team you would like to, but it makes for interesting play as you need to seek out bargains. And most of last years bargains don't carry through wisely enough (Sigurdsson now 9mil). I think this allows for us to spend some more time at FFL during office hours, as otherwise, we would finish picking our team in 10 minutes if we had unlimited budget.

      Delete
    3. Indeed, hadn't thought of it that way. Sod doing it in my free time at home, I'll wait until I'm at work :)

      Delete
  103. Quiet day in the world of sport. Nothing happening at all.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Anyone else seen Fabio's comments at the press conference yesterday? "If I'd still been managing England, they'd have got further than the QF's".

    Yeah, right, the way we played in South Africa under you was amazing, Fabio.

    Self-serving bollox of the first order.


    Jedi

    ReplyDelete
  105. If there was a fantasy football league with a budget ceiling of £3.50 in which the winner successfully escapes liquidation id join in.

    ReplyDelete
  106. He's delusional, jedi. He's one step away from French king Charles VI who thought he was made of glass so always sat down carefully in case he shattered his buttocks.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Olympic football is League 2 stuff. Senegal looked like an athletic pub team high on Ted bull and with a string of minor convictions for assault.

    COME ON CAV!

    ReplyDelete
  108. Relieved I haven't got tickets for the blind archery

    ReplyDelete
  109. I expect the Olympics opening ceremony will depict the bare arse of a giant banker shitting on everyone in the stadium from a great height.

    ReplyDelete