Monday, 24 December 2012

Swansea Nativity

This is an extract from the Premier League Bible. It is taken from The Gospel According to Midtable Obscurity. I hope, like all of us who believe, that you enjoy it.

'Now in a corner of the country known as Swansea there lived a girl called Mary and one night when her fella was out and that, there was a bright light in her bedsit and Angel Rangel appeared before her.

'"Be not afraid" said he, but in a weird accent Mary didn't understand, "for I have been sent with great news. You shall carry a child and he shall be called Michu, and many opportunities shall he take. He shall be in a stable born. Not an unstable, that's where Mario Balotelli was born."

'"But it cannot be" said Mary, "for I am a Virgin."

'"In Swansea?" smirked Angel.

'"I am, you cheeky bastard" she insisted. "Although the Government would like me to be replaced by First Trains. Have you been sent by God?"

'"Yes, although He had to ask permission from Sir Alex Ferguson first."

'So saying, Angel Rangel vanished in a flash of light and wasn't seen in the first team for quite a while.

‘Now across the land, Word came that a Messiah was to be born, a leader of the line who would prove that from poor beginnings goalscorers do come. But lo, word did reach the lands in the East. Or the Eastlands.

'And there came an edict from he whose tresses look like a photograph from a hairdresser's window in the early 80s. And he did demand 'Bring me this mother of Michu that we might make him ours, and drape him in blue as blue as the sky, as we always do with blokes who have made their name in funny little places, ha ha!'

'And soon the cry rang through the ears of all mothers of prospective footballers and those with any sort of pride and loyalty fled before they were captured by the Abu-Dhabi Lucre.

'Mary was heavy with child and so her husband, a bloke who so loved footy and carpentry that in his spare time he made wooden centre-backs called Williamson and Bramble. We shall call him Joseph or Joe-Cole for short (and I mean short).

'Joe-Cole managed to get hold of a tatty old donkey and then this Tony Adams carried Mary much as Robin Van Persie had carried Arsenal for two seasons, or Steven Gerrard Liverpool for full seven years, the poor sod.

'Eventually they arrived in a town called Bethlehem. Now all the inns there were taken up by rich holiday-makers, two of whom, Messrs Berbatov and Sturridge, were over-relaxing by the pool.

'The inn-owner said they had a stable with a few animals in there but the Leeds fans would be gone before dawn. So Mary and Joe-Cole lay down with the Oxlade-Chamberlain and Joey Barton (the ass).

'And that night, to the WAG a baby Michu was born (once the doc had turned up to perform the elected caesarean). And glory shone all around.

'Meanwhile above the town and up in the hills, three shepherds were playing keepy-uppie with a sheep's bladder. It was one of those new sheep's bladders that moves unpredictably through the air.

'Angel di Maria appeared to them and they were sore excited cos he was, like, almost as good as Ronaldo... on his day... but not very often for Argentina.

'"Be not afraid" spake Angel "For know that an excellent striker has been born this day."

'"But why tell us?" said the older shepherd. Moyes was his name. "We won't be able to afford him."

'"Nor I" said Redknapp, the second shepherd (although to be frank, he had a bit of cash stashed away and was more than ready to put a bid in).

'"Nor I" said the third, who had only really dallied with shepherdry and knew naught of it, despite his name of Shearer.

'"But this striker may yet be cheap, as little as a fifth of a Giroud and yet in truth twenty times his worth."

'"We shall come to see this miraculous sight" said Moyes optimistically, even though the Kenwrighting was on the wall.

'And then in the East there appeared a star. And not long after that, Manchester City bought it. It would've gone to Chelsea but the star wasn't sure he liked what their captain said about stars. It's quite possible he was starrist.

'But three wise men followed this star (at least until Kia Joorabchian became its agent). And the wise men were called Hansen and Lawro and Andy Townsend (and yea, verily, the word 'wise' was used ironically... c.f. Little Peter Crouch, Upright Luis Suarez, Squeaky-Clean Sepp Blatter.)

Yea, and many opinions had they of this star, many of which were so fucking obvious they didn't need saying but they said them anyway.

'They never made it to the stable. But the Three Kings did.

'That's 'king Chelsea, 'king Manchester City and 'king Manchester City.

'And they found the infant forward lying in a manchego and they offered it gifts: gold, gold and more gold. Just loads of gold really. And Frank, incensed, Lampard in part exchange.

'And though the Mary Mother of Michu hated the thought of it (she was from Croxteth originally) she felt unable to resist and finally allowed the newborn king to go to one of the Big Three for a six-figure salary.

'And lo he of Man U did hold the baby aloft from his Manchego, cried Hosanna Bless the Lord and placed the child upon a lowly bench where it sat like Andy 'Christmas' Carroll for a whole year and a half and the poor lad and his Mum wondered why they'd left Swansea in the first place.*

Happy Christmas To One And All!!! I shall be knocking back an extra hot toddy for you Villa fans out there.

Up the Boro!

*In later chapters Michu finds himself in the wilderness for a whole season. When he returns he is crucified for missing a penalty, before finally managing to get on the end of a decent cross.  

223 comments:

  1. First!

    Merry Christmas

    Camel

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How appropriate that Camel is first in Robbo's Christmas blog, which "wise man" are you carrying? (Garth Crooks is not an answer)

      Cheers and Merry Christmas everybody.

      Spider

      Delete
  2. Brilliant, I'm still laughing whilst typing. BTW, you been hitting the Xmas Fayre (booze to be exact) a bit early?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Comedy genius. Happy Xmas robbo.

    98 years ago today, the Germans & British troops brought a temporary ceasefire to the Great War and played a game of football out in no-man's land. 

    The fighting resumed when somebody was killed after being hit on the head with the football.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Merry Christmas to everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nice one Robbo.

    All the best of the season to one and all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Merry Christmas one and all.

    Hope you have a splendid time with your loved ones. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Merry Christmas everyone. I think we should all thank our lucky stars that Van Persie avoided a fully conclusive death from that complete bastard and tyrant Williams. May his soul rot forever and ever until he gets arrested for attempted manslaughter and Ryan Giggs shags his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/pet/large pastry to teach him a lesson he won't forget. There's no question about that.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love the holiday spirit, Robbo. I'm definitely a believer. One small thing, though... you left out the part about the Jewish owner behind the persecution and crucifixion. Works for the Glazers but might be even more fitting with Abramovich, given how he is more likely in January to take note of an anointed striker, offer said savior filthy money because he can't have someone threatening to unseat the chosen ones (generally boring, defensive to most but offensive to many, highly-paid, multi-talented but not necessarily useful, short with lots of control but little physical presence, etc.), then let Benitez send him to the wilderness behind Torres (show pony if not donkey), only to have bring him back to set up the crucifixion.

    Though given the climate of race discussions in your neck of the woods, perhaps it was best you left that comment up to one of us. I'm still waiting for my chance at the helm; you'd think as a fellow Jew I'd have a leg up, given how unclear the job requirements are.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Still good as ever, Robbo, and as previously stated

    Merry Xmas to one and all,

    spent the afternoon trawling the pubs on Yarm High St looking for FBH

    ReplyDelete
  10. brilliant Robbo! Michu will wind up at Sunderland in two years then.

    Merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  11. OK Manure fans;

    http://www.101greatgoals.com/blog/doh-manchester-united-fans-tweet-abuse-at-the-wrong-ashley-williams/

    D'oh!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thats brilliant, some brassy bright American woman, just lovin the abuse

      Delete
    2. That puts them equal with the Spuds Hoy/Foy on the Stoopidfuckwitometer.

      Delete
    3. Careful what you say about us Americans. If I understand correctly, the Second Amendment to our Constitution requires us to carry at least six loaded weapons (safeties off), not including at least one (preferably automatic) weapon in each hand, at all times. Quite surprised she was able to type so coherently; must have had voice recognition software.

      Delete
    4. We're not scared of your guns....

      We have footballs. ;)

      Delete
    5. Ferguson - what is he on? I couldn't believe my ears. 'Williams should be banned for ever. At least. And buried at sea. The utter, utter bastard. He could easily have given RVP a mullet, or a Chris Waddle. It doesn't bear thinking about. Did I mention that the referee was a twat? Just try fining me.'

      You couldn't make it up.

      Delete
  12. I hope the red-nosed reigning dear leaves me something good this year... He's got a Robin, but I'd like a Falcaon.

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's a Merry Christmas, as Robbo comes through again! Was hoping for more carols, but as my fictitious, animated countryman might say, this was...

    "Mmmmm...sacrilicious..."

    ReplyDelete
  14. Cheers Robbo trust your having a good one.writing everything twice what a clever idea
    del

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  15. Brilliant blog Robbo!!
    Those still in Xmas mood and otherwise..Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Tone - No Popery!

    Even better... Gills lose to lowly barnet

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Congrats, thought we might get back for the draw

      Delete
  17. Merry Post-Apocalypso to the lot of ya, and a Happy New Year (unless you're Stevie G or "Ted" Rodgers - goes without saying really).
    Bring on Chelski - who said we'd plummet down the table without the mad hairy Belgian? Lawro probably...heheh..
    Right, back on the sauce for me...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yet another FFL loss in Jacks H2H and it all seems to be falling away. The january wild card couldnt have come any sooner. I do seem to have the Robbo H2H wrapped up though with a 15 point lead over second place, but stranger things have happened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I split my H2H matches and pulled a bit closer overall. Took a four point penalty for making two transfers and scored four more points than I would have if I had stayed.

      Delete
    2. It's come to that time of year when everyone has more or less the same team give or take a 2-3 players and the choice of captain makes all the difference. I've been consistently getting my captain wrong and paying the price for it.

      Delete
  19. Breaking McNews: Impressive Stoke's secret is out

    The secret is out - Stoke City are a good side playing good football, says chief football writer Phil McNulty

    -----
    I'm not going to bother with the link or further comment, except to say that I wish someone would tweet something witty so I could use it to sum up my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't do tweets, but howabout.

      Phil McNumpty is a shit writer, writing shit, that's no secret.

      Delete
    2. ‘Stoke’s rise under Pulis’

      Since they got promoted :
      2008-09: Premier League, 12th

      2009-10: Premier League, 11th

      2010-11: Premier League, 13th

      2011-12: Premier League, 14th

      I rest my case.

      Delete
    3. they got to the FA Cup final but I don't like to talk about that.

      Delete
  20. Hey Robbo.

    Is it 'Boro's secret mission to destroy Blackburn managers? (I thought that was Venky's job)

    Lose to 'Boro, drop off first place and Kean is gone.

    Lose to 'Boro away and Berg gets the boot.

    Coincidence??

    Probably.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think its time for Venkys to sell the club to someone who has a clue. They kept Kean on while he dragged them down, just as he got them going into promotion positions, he was fired and replaced with some unheard of dude and now after 10 games he's gone. Sounds like a job for Sparky.

      Delete
    2. I wouldn't say Henning Berg was unheard of. He won the Premier League with Blackburn and Man Utd as a player.

      Delete
    3. Didn't Cantona win some silverware, too?

      Delete
    4. Unheard of as a coach I did mean.

      Delete
  21. Love Berbatov's shirt, by the way.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20778940

    ReplyDelete
  22. ...and Meireles' defense against allegations he spit at a ref. It was physically impossible for him to do so because he was abusing the ref, er, speaking the whole time.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20855802

    ReplyDelete
  23. "That is unfortunate. I carry that because I am the manager of the most famous club in the world. I am not like Newcastle, a wee club in the north east."

    Is that an old man burn?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Rough week in fantasy ahead... Michu, Suarez, Tevez, Demel doubtful, Cameron suspended (and backup keeper McCarthy out long term, for good measure). Already made my transfer to drop a healthy striker for a cheaper one with a more favorable matchup, before Suarez and Tevez were both listed. Why don't we have a youth team to fill out the bench?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, Suarez is now supposed to play, but Michu is definitely out. 4-3-3 for another hit and hope.

      Delete
  25. Speaking (writing?) of poor fantasy weeks, next year we ought to find another place to start a league and go for a lowest-score-wins league. Must still choose players who actually play, but try to pick the ones who get carded, allow lots of goals on defense, never manage to score, etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe not on purpose, but that's what I do anyway. ;)

      Delete
  26. Former Aston Villa first-team coach Kevin MacDonald has emerged as the leading contender to succeed Henning Berg as Blackburn manager.
    Full story: Daily Telegraph
    MacDonald could be placed in charge at Rovers alongside Judan Ali - who has been involved in a Bollywood football movie and was assistant manager of a London Sunday league side three years ago.
    Full story: The Independent

    ===

    Surely not?

    A snippet from above article;

    Blackburn Rovers descended into one of the most farcically run football clubs in Britain today, with minimal prospect of finding anyone credible to manage the club in tandem with two coaches – one of them a novice at this level – who are expected to start work imminently.

    With no one else lined up for the manager's role, British Indian Judan Ali – who has been involved in a Bollywood football movie and was assistant manager of a London Sunday league side three years ago – is expected to take over the running of the Championship team alongside the former Aston Villa assistant manager Kevin McDonald. Ali would be assistant to McDonald, who is in talks about a No 2 head coach role.


    Absolutly amazing.

    It also goes on to say that maybe even that Singh guy could take over.

    Jack Walker must be turning in his grave.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The verb "Zlataner" has officially entered the Swedish language, in reference to England tormentor Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Paris Saint-Germain's Sweden international striker. The word, meaning "to dominate by force", is one of 40 new expressions to be included in the latest edition of the Swedish dictionary.
    Full story: L'Equipe

    Personally I think that Ibra should go “Zlataner” himself up the arse.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sir Alex Ferguson says Alan Pardew's criticism is hypocritical.

    SAF goes on to say "I carry that because I am the manager of the most famous club in the world. I am not like Newcastle, a wee club in the north east."
    =================================================
    Take it all out on a fellow manager if he has said something about you, but why slight the club with a demeaning statement like that. Not good form.

    I used to find the goings on at Blackburn comical, but this is just sad. I really feel for the fans.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, it's now just a wee chicken coop in the North West.

      Delete
  29. I don't blame SAF for being angry, the way Pardew criticised him, he could have been killed...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. fergie was extra miffed as he had Johnny Evans in his fantasy team.

      Delete
    2. Johnny Evans? Maybe in a nightmare team but never a fantasy team! No doubt SAF has his own fantasy league where his team always wins, never concedes a goal, the refs do whatever he tells them (a tackle on any of his players is an automatic red card) and play injury time until his team scores the winning goal. Hang in a minute......

      Spider

      Delete
    3. some believe it's called the Barclays Premier League

      Delete
  30. For anyone who has Lambert starting, you're welcome. I dropped him after last week even though he scored because hey, who scores against Stoke, even if they've got a makeshift defense?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Vale could go top here...this will compensate for everything that has ever gone or will ever go wrong with my life

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What happens if they get promoted?

      Delete
    2. You're quite the fan, Blog. For me to make that same proclamation Bolton would have to win the league, Champs League, League Cup and FA Cup for three consecutive seasons. As it is, we can't beat fuckin' Peterboro.

      Delete
  32. Unlikely Stephen ...If that looks remotely like happening in March...mickey Adams bails out form collapses owner goes awol and the fist team get sold for dog food

    Still we can dream...

    ReplyDelete
  33. At least you're a realist, Blog.

    Though for me to apply such compensation, I'd need score a perfect hat trick in each of Chelsea's six consecutive Champions League final victories. (I'd settle for five, if they let me keep the trophies.) Same goes for the next two World Cup Finals for the US. And the next two Olympics. (Negotiable to one each upon receipt of trophy.)

    ReplyDelete
  34. 2nd in league 2 at the end of the season does it for me!

    Vale nearly ceased to exist this year so it would be a massive achievement.

    ReplyDelete
  35. yeah, Walcott was good today except for the times he was bad but the good outweighed the bad and hid the disaster that is Gibbs. Walcott's last goal was fantastic, good for him. The only thing that could have made that game a better spectacle would have been 5 more Newcastle Goals and a new coat for Wenger with a button missing.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Top of 2 eh Blog?
    went to the New York for the 1st time, as the female contingent headed for shopping in barcode country
    The ground looks great, and we won

    ReplyDelete
  37. AVB taking one straight out of rafa's school of logic, claiming bale's dive shouldn't have been punished coz Defoe's went unpunished :D

    http://www.goal.com/en/news/9/england/2012/12/29/3635885/villas-boas-blasts-persecution-of-bale-over-diving?source=breakingnews

    --BeeZee

    ReplyDelete
  38. (Heart)Breaking News: Yellow + yellow ≠ red

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20866989

    Definitely feel bad for the ref. Suppose I should feel bad for whatever implications it has for the teams/fans, too, but it probably won't be as bad as what it could do to the ref's career.

    Even worse is what it will do for all other refs, now that Fergie will insist his players be allowed unlimited yellow cards every match.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Still waiting for Internet to be connected after moving to new house (6 weeks now) but I have managed to loan a usb broadband stick for the day.

    A good result last night for the gunners and especially Walcott. I am not getting carried away with Walcott's hat-trick, after all he managed that with England and has done fuck all since but now that he has shown he can be an effective front man, Wenger really needs to pull his head in and offer Walcott a contract as a striker.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why does it take six weeks to get Internet?

      (Dunno; maybe you should bring in a striker in the transfer window.)

      Delete
    2. yo Bo, nice to see you. Glad you survived the last typhoon/earthquake/mudslides and cock fight crowd troubles.

      Delete
  40. hello Bo ? Have you given your usb stick back yet ?

    ReplyDelete
  41. When do Ashton villa kick off?

    Every 10 minutes

    ReplyDelete
  42. Walcott should really stay at Arsenal. Going to a new club is always dicey and even if successful, might take time. He's finally found his form with some level of consistency and is leading the team's score sheet in all competitions. Time for him to knuckle down and move to the next level in his career.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Completely fucked this gameweek. 8 fit players one of whom scores an own goal and the only thing my captain does is get booked for diving, giving me a grand total of 5 points with couple players to play. Ah well, should still be able to see out the Robbo H2H title.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I had fewer than 10 points with half my team left to play today... and none of my Chelsea or Everton players did anything of note, aside from Luiz getting booked. Left with Suarez to make up a gap of 40 points to one opponent and 20 to the other, the latter with Suarez as captain making it impossible to come back. Most teams around me in the classic leagues have him, too. Not the brightest end to the calendar year.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Bloody hell..unexpected performances from Suarez, Sterling and Enrique in the last game of the week sees me win both H2Hs after all. Not good enough to hold on to top spot in either of the classic leagues though. Stephen stepping over me with a slim 7 point lead.

    Hopefully I have 11 players to play with next week, seeing as Enrique limped off with a hammy today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two Stephens stepped over you, it seems, and I didn't step far enough as the title race is getting a lot closer. Still lost both H2Hs and my team seems unwilling to make up ground.

      No worries. If we do the overall league next year I'll tank from the very beginning instead, particularly if there is a prize at stake.

      Delete
  46. Quick visit to congratulate Blogidy with Vale.

    No mean achievement considering in how much shit they were not so long ago.

    Enjoy it mate.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Transfer rumour mill..........
    De Gea, Rooney and Nani to Real Madrid in the summer with Ronaldo moving the other way. You heard it here first.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Messi, Iniesta and Shakira to Bolton with David Ngog going to Barca.

      Delete
    2. (but don't tell anyone in case you get dog shit in yer letter box!)

      Delete
    3. Complete bull. All of them are headed to Chelsea to replace the current squad, who will join Port Vale upon their promotion.

      Delete
  48. Its been a great year of sport.perhaps the best ever. The football in the prem is on fire. Vale are top. Lets be honest things can only go downhill in 2013.

    Happy new year!

    "I’ve just watched the replay and there is absolutely no doubt – it’s inconclusive."Garth Crooks

    ReplyDelete
  49. From today's gossip column......
    Manchester United could sign former player Cristiano Ronaldo, 27, for as little as £60m from Real Madrid, with Old Trafford keeper David de Gea, 22, and winger Nani, 26, both part of the deal.
    ----------------------------------------

    Got the Rooney part wrong but the rest of it was close

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So only a slight major difference then. ;)

      Delete
  50. Spanish side Espanyol could be set to make a surprise move for Stoke City striker Michael Owen, 33, during the January transfer window.
    Full story: Metro
    ==
    They have room on the physios bench for a player of his calibre?

    -----------

    Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers says the club need to give top scorer Luis Suarez, 25, hope of a Champions League challenge if they want to keep him at Anfield beyond the summer.
    Full story: Mail on Sunday
    ==
    Might as well sell him now then.
    -----------

    The Magpies will pay Ba a £2m "loyalty" fee if he joins Chelsea in January.

    Full story: Daily Mail
    ==
    Someone needs to expain to them the meaning of that word.
    ------------
    Arsenal have given forward Theo Walcott, 23, two weeks to sign a new deal at the club.
    Full story: Daily Mail
    ====
    He must be an idiot....
    If I try real hard I can sign my name in a little less then a day. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  51. Should old acquaintance be forgot
    and never brought to mind.
    Should old acquaintance be forgot..
    alzheimers

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sang to the tune of Shaking All Over from Johnny Kidd and the Pirates.

      aka When Parkinson meet Al Zheimer

      Delete
  52. Retook first in the classic leagues, despite losing both H2H matches. Good. Further to fall by the end of the season.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Vale and ManU both top of their leagues with 50 goals scored, Vale have a slightly better defensive record with only 27 goals against. Both have legendary managers, the only thing wrong with this picture is that Micky Adams hasn't been knighted yet. Pull your finger out QEII.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He'll get Knighted by a cruise liner?

      Delete
    2. yeah and he'll get thrown overboard if they don't get promoted.

      Delete
  54. There's only one Freddie Dogbreath.

    Happy New Year one and all.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Bold Prediction: Abramovitch fires Rafa for winning Premier League but failing to achieve promotion.

    Happy New Year? I thought we already did that in September...

    ReplyDelete
  56. FIRST………….

    of January 2013.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Happy New Year, especially to all our friends across the water who are still in 2012.

    Cheers,

    Spider

    ReplyDelete
  58. Thanks Spider, we have finally made it into 2013 as well now. Phew, fiscal cliffy thing fixed as well.

    Happy New Year All!!!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Im disappointed that they've resolved the fiscal cliff before i got to understand
    A. what it is or
    B. why im supposed to give a toss

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you figure out either one, please let me know too. I'm tired of nodding my head knowledgeably everytime this comes up.

      Delete
    2. Meh. Not resolved. More like pushed a bit further off. Basically, the Bushit is slated to end and we don't agree on what to do about it. Tax more or spend less, that is the question. Mostly because "tax a bit more and spend a bit less" is apparently out of the question.

      The short-term answer is "Wile E. Coyote says that if we don't look down, we won't fall!"

      The long-term answer, of course, is "No, you m-----f---ing c--t, we do it completely my way or Thelma & Louise it."

      And you should care because one day the magic will wear off, the US economy will implode, and it will take down most of the rest of the world with it. (Basically, most of us are passengers--or at best, backseat drivers--in T & L's car.) Even Mandarin won't help you then. Though a supply of whelks ought to come in handy.

      Delete
  60. like a commentator said last night.....when a bunch of jet lagged 80 year old men make decisions at 2am on New Years Eve/Day about the future of the Nation, it's sure to be good for all of us.

    ReplyDelete
  61. The good news trott is they also installed Cheryl Cole as head of the IMF and lyndsey lohan as Nato joint chief of general staff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the future is indeed bright.

      Delete
    2. Thats gotta be the first time that L Lohan, C Cole and bright were used in the same (two) scentence(s)

      Delete
    3. it was odds on that Kim Kardashian would take over as secty of State but now she has a bun in the oven, Britney Spears is in pole position.

      Delete
    4. What kind of pole would that be?

      Spider

      Delete
    5. play yer cards right Spider and it could be yours.

      Delete
    6. So that's where Lewandowski is headed this January...

      Delete
  62. Well Stephen of you've got bugs bunny, lindsey loan and Hugh hefner running your economy (i think thats what you're saying) and lack the political structures to plan for the medium or long term or indeed beyond the end of next week then the future probably belongs to China. Red Star Vale playing at their new state sponsored stadium at Mao Cap will rise to the challenge comrade.

    Britain's nattonal debt is lower than its been for 150 of the last 200 years so although we've got problems, eg run by gobshites i think we'll be ok and the next three world cups are in the bag.

    I was surprised to learn that the UK is usa's third largest debtor nation after China and Japan so come on yanks pay up the queen needs a new yacht and we've got soup kitchens to finance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We'll have the money to you by Friday, January 11th.

      2988.

      Maybe.

      Delete
    2. I'm not coming back to England until the Yanks have run out of places to borrow from in support of my extravagant, materialist, disposable, gun toting lifestyle. I love it here.

      Delete
  63. So the future financing of the NY stadium and the Millers by the Knicks, Jets, Giants, Mets, Yankees Islanders or Devils(OK so they are Jersey, near enough) to ensure progress thru the leagues wouldnt be a good idea??

    ReplyDelete
  64. Tottenham winger Aaron Lennon after the victory against Stoke on Twitter: "Great way to start the new year by the boys. Buzzing so much. Keep White Hart Lane rocking for us, it helps so much!!!"
    -------------------------------------
    Definitely a great way to start the year, especially seeing as they were playing Reading.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Harry Redknapp: "I would fail at Chelsea"

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20887933

    ReplyDelete
  66. You can't come back trott. Not until you've paid off that half trillion dollar debt you ran up on your barclaycard just before you left.

    Clutching at straws here but the darts pies and football is way better over here. Oh yes and your kids don't get shot when they go to school.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. blimey, talk about compounding interest, it was only 6 quid when I left!

      Delete
  67. I dont get it. We paid 12 mil for Sturridge while Chelsea take Ba for 7 mil ?? Surely its not the wages, if we can pay Joe Cole 90k/week, we can get Ba for 7 mil and pay him 95 ?

    ReplyDelete
  68. come on AH, you still owe Chelsea 40 million + that you scammed out of 'em for Torres.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We spent 35 mil of that on Carroll remember, and word is the most we'll get back is about half of that from West Ham. So really, we sold Torres for 33 mil of which we gave back 13 for Sturridge. We are determined to blow every penny we got for Nando. Tainted money we obviously want nothing to do with.

      Delete
    2. yeah, 35 for Andy and Jordan Henderson at 14 million, Charlie Adam a snip at 7 million, 23 for Suarez, you've spent it already!

      Delete
  69. So Chelsea now have a 27yr old overpaid mercenary with dodgey knees to back up their 28yr old...(as above)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oi remember that sitcom we didnt write. Good times.

      Are bee ay nine tea too...

      Delete
  70. it's all gonna be ok. Head back in the sand.

    However, according to Paul Krugman, "It’s true that foreigners now hold large claims on the United States, including a fair amount of government debt. But every dollar’s worth of foreign claims on America is matched by 89 cents’ worth of U.S. claims on foreigners. And because foreigners tend to put their U.S. investments into safe, low-yield assets, America actually earns more from its assets abroad than it pays to foreign investors. If your image is of a nation that’s already deep in hock to the Chinese, you’ve been misinformed. Nor are we heading rapidly in that direction."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Odd that he neglected to mention which countries owe us money. Probably those who are even less likely to pay up than we are.

      It'd be like Man City loaning Portsmouth money then asking them to pay up, but Portsmouth can't pay because they've loaned all their money to Rangers, who can't pay up because they used all the money on a ticket to an Arsenal match.

      Delete
  71. How do. Chelsea going to pay 10 mil for a old guy with dodgy knees. My dad is older and has far worse knees. Has he had a call from rafa has he bollock. One rule for one and one for another!

    Rba92

    ReplyDelete
  72. Just my name and posted anonomously.... Am i me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just.. 'Signed' My name etc...

      Delete
  73. Oops... maybe signing Ba in my fantasy league wasn't such a good idea. Not playing tonight. Signing for Chelsea so I won't keep him over my other options, especially since he may rotate with Torres. Wonder how he and Torres feel about that. Meh. Bring in Falcao, let Ba back him up, and let go of Torres at the first half-decen offer. Or something like that.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Coming back to this blog i feel like rambo in first blood. No one knows what ive been through and brian denehey keeps giving me shit.

    Everton vs newcaste top tip... Camp it up by only refering to the teams by thier nicknames... "Oooh look at the toffee men go" or "come on the magpies"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no, is it? really? i do hope so. If it is, welcome back Rambo. Up the Shots.

      The magpies look like Everton Mints at the best of times.

      Delete
  75. RBA !!!!!!!

    Its like seeing capt oates walk back in the tent ..... Fantastic to see you again old son. Pity you warent here two days ago when vale went top for 5 mins

    Have you've got another one of them jobs which involve doing nothing except blogging .... I still occasoonally look up a random Woe .... don't be a stranger ..there s only 5 of us left and we're reduced to discussing Obamas fistful of clits

    ReplyDelete
  76. Hello bloggers and trotts (thats a detective duo if ever i heard) i dont have a job where i can do nothing but blog but i have worked out how to use my phone. It has internets and a camera and a calculator. Wicked.

    I see vale at the top. Brought a tear to my eye. Although given aldershots season it could b a permanent tear thats always there.

    Its good to b back though. Has much changed? Everyone good? Decent...

    ReplyDelete
  77. Fustful if clits sounds like best economical western parody porno of all time.

    ReplyDelete
  78. That should read "fistful of clits"

    I appear to have become the policeman from allo allo?


    Good moaning....

    ReplyDelete
  79. as far as I can recall everything's the same, except that Bo is in the Philippines running a cock fighting operation so we predict cock match results on Fridays instead of football and Star hasn't shown up with his COTY awards yet!

    Blog hasn't mentioned his cat, Nostradumus, for a year or so and well, you know, one doesn't like to ask.

    ReplyDelete
  80. The Chinese have all the dollars rba so the remake is clint eastwood naked except for a threadbare poncho shouting at an imaginary pornstar on an empty chair

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and he doesn't have a gun, he's a kinder, gentler clit.

      Delete
  81. The misfortunate little bastard got run over trott.

    ReplyDelete
  82. poor nostradamus.... he never saw it coming

    ReplyDelete
  83. Its all my fault .He told me not to put that alphabetti spaghetti in the microwave. I didn't listen He said if it exploded it could spell disaster.

    ReplyDelete
  84. ah thats better im almost me again... have a ganders at my mug.. sticking it to the man... 20 years ago i would have to post you a cave painting of my boat race via ye olde royal mail or the romans or something... what an age we live in.

    the trouble with alphabetti spaghetti is has no capitals, bold or italics, granted with the addition of regular sketty you can underline and use rice for punctuation, but its very limited.

    ReplyDelete
  85. after all that my mush aint even there i just posed awkwardly for the typical facebookesque try not to look like a douche and think people will judge you a loser as you had to take your own photo picture. well gutted...

    is that a kick off i hear...

    ReplyDelete
  86. Apparently that's how the Roman emperors sent secret messages and everyone was a bit confused until Marco polo obtained a reliable source of rice punctuation from China.

    ReplyDelete
  87. and now it is there... why does tecnology hate me... could be coz i shagged his mum... or coz i touched that calculator inapropriately... i was just wiping the tiny solar panel, honest. Anyway theres my -gypsy after sucessful day in court-picture...

    ReplyDelete
  88. with some simple modification a single piece of ravioli makes a great hashtag for all those tweeters out there...

    ReplyDelete
  89. SEESAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! not the nest start for everton..

    ReplyDelete
  90. Ah Ravioli - a whole tin of little Italian pasta pies

    I had a fight once with a nutter armed with a samurai sword. Id Been to aldi so i had a packet of pasta which i used to beat him off with

    Which goes to show. The penne is mightier than the sword

    ReplyDelete
  91. The pen is definitely mightier than the sword. And considerably easier to write with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Given England's track record, the pen is a might more difficult than falling on a sword.

      Delete
  92. fellaini and collocini just clashed - it was like 70s porn shot with a macro lense...

    ReplyDelete
  93. No Mata, no Hazard. No captain, no vice captain.

    ReplyDelete
  94. we can't worry about that Stephen, RBA's back!

    ReplyDelete
  95. Good, and a welcome diversion he makes from the fact that I made the mistake of thinking "Maybe we do need to give Rafa a chance" before checking the score of Chelsea-QPR.

    ReplyDelete
  96. if I can catch the bastard I'm gonna roast the fatted raccoon that lives in the attic.

    ReplyDelete
  97. Hey Trotter!
    Leave them 'coons alone.
    All in all your
    Just another Brit
    In etc etc

    ReplyDelete
  98. Bloody hell swp scores after 3 years

    ReplyDelete
  99. has it really only been 3 years?

    ReplyDelete
  100. i just checked wikipedia and the last time swp scored it was for newton heath versus atlantis hotspur

    ReplyDelete
  101. he's slowed down a bit since them glory years of underwater football.

    ReplyDelete
  102. Things always went swimmingly for him back then.

    ReplyDelete
  103. RBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Poor old Wadey bud.Hope he's doing ok matey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 'ello Jacks.

      you've left me alone on Twitter. Come back mate.

      Delete
    2. 'ello Spits.

      I'll be back under a different name soon enough.I'll let you know when.

      Delete
  104. So it took another Championship by the Power to bring RBA back to this dark corner of internet.

    Hope you've been well mate.

    Welcome back.

    ReplyDelete
  105. RBAAAAAA....welcome back..any chance of a new edition of a Woe ?

    ReplyDelete
  106. What?

    How?

    When?

    Where?

    Really?

    Could it be.................?

    Yeeeeasssssssssss, the return of the prodigal.

    Waaasssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuup R to da B to da A.

    SNH5.

    Welcome back broseph.

    ReplyDelete
  107. And a rare appearance from Jacks and Spit, nice.

    Wassup? Did Twitter break? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  108. I've no idea H,I've been a busy tonsorialist for the last few weeks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aaah, you've had your work cut out for you. :)

      Delete
    2. I've been at the sharp end of it H.

      Delete
  109. FIGHT!

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20901006

    ReplyDelete
  110. haha, classic, that Mancini and Balotelli picture should be subject of a caption contest.

    "wake up and smell the fuckin' expresso you cunt" would be my entry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I told you red was for the other Manchester club, take it off you twat"

      Delete
    2. "With the money we pay you you should have got a much better boob job."

      Delete
  111. So Mancini finally comes to his senses and tries to lamp the little upstart prick .... bout time too.

    -

    James

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But typically like Balotelli through on goal - Mancini misses

      Needs to sell him to Liverpool just to mess them up

      Delete
  112. 'kin 'ell, everybody's here almost, we just need Gaz Utd and JDR and it's officially a party!

    ReplyDelete
  113. oh, and the Tommies! and preach and WoW and etc etc

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Zootmac!! What a hero...

      Im good thanks h (and others) glad so many familiar names r still on here...

      Remember that joe guy from kidderminster. He wss the bestest....


      Lobster thermadore anyone?

      Delete
  114. Of course lots has changed in the footballing world since RBA was last here.I mean who would have thought that..

    Manchester United would be top of the league.

    Chelsea would have a new manager

    Arsenal would play pretty football with no end result.

    Harry Redknapp would be moaning about his squad and demanding to sign loads of new players.

    Ipswich would be in a relegation battle,led by a former Republic of Ireland manager.

    Bolton would be still wondering why did they get rid of Sam Allardyce.

    Port Vale would be skint.

    Rotherham would be in the play off zone about to start their plummet down the league in the new year.

    England would be ranked really high in the FIFA rankings,but still shit.

    Phil Taylor would be PDC darts champion of the word with James Wade losing in the semi final.

    Aye RBA,loads has changed since you were last here.

    ReplyDelete
  115. I like it that we're skint jacks it makes it more real ... in fact i wont be happy until theyre playing on a PIECE OF WASTEGROUND in front of three kids, one blind one deaf one mute, BAREFOOT in handme down GRIMSBY TOWN kits with a BUNDLE OF RAGS for a ball. then it will be more real than reality. worrying thing is it could happen.

    ReplyDelete
  116. Nothing like being broke and rubbish Blogs.Makes it MORE REAL.These United fans don't know they're born.

    ReplyDelete
  117. Indeed RBAser. Ol' JDR and his sidekicks Andre the Giant, Chuckle and Ira. God we miss those loons.

    ===
    Heh @ Jacks.

    ReplyDelete
  118. I like it that we don't have Big Sam. We didn't get rid of him though, he was lured away by the last few quid in Shepherd's wallet, then dumped in the infinite wisdom of fat Mike. Anyway, as long as he's away it means he could always come back and we can avoid the inevitability of his new departure until he's at least back with us. Until then....

    there's only one, er, whatisname!

    ReplyDelete
  119. they were indeed providers of quality entertainment that passed (or wasted depending on how you view it) hours upon hours of blogging time encouraging hitherto unknown creativity in responses to them.

    A long lost example for RBA

    I do recall however getting in trouble for suggesting that Ira roll around in a large tub of tuna and then went swimming off Seal Island near Cape Town

    ReplyDelete
  120. JDR... i'm with you mate, infact i have been living the "JDR Lifestyle" for the last week, just to see if i could get an insight to why you dislike the man Robbo so much... My findings were enlightening to say the least.

    Whilst was watching CBeebies with my 3 year old daughter, Mr Tumbles came on so i screamed "Oh good one Mr Tumbles, real name Justin!!! cant believe were paying for this nonsense, oh here he goes again, more sign language and clowning around"... She cried for a while, but i think in the long run, she'll benefit.

    Then later in the week my young cousin Thomas had the part of Fagin in his drama clubs production of Oliver (He's the white sheep of the family this kid). Well he was not good so i let him have it JDR style... "Rubbish Thomas, same worn out London-Jewish stereotypes seen a thousand time before, Booooo!"

    As every opportunity has arisen, i have lived my life JDR style, and continually criticised anything i can and anyone doing anything under a false name i have unmasked, named and duly shamed them! Also anyone offering anything that is similar in fashion for too long, just because it is popular, has also had both barrels of the JDR rifle!

    So anyway, i am just recently married and though me and the Mrs have been together a long time anyway, certain flames have been re-lit... If you catch my drift (Andre, your dad will explain one day)... Well there we were, the kids asleep and a night of passion ahead of us... Then it dawned on me, my JDR resolution! So i let her know the JDR perception of truth "same old moves... predictable... cliché pillow talk..." it didn’t go down well and she hasn't been down since...

    Anyway, long story short after just one week of the JDR lifestyle i have lost my home, job, wife and am not aloud to talk to the kids for a very long time... I can see why this cheery f*^&!ng blog does his head in!

    It is a lonely existence following the JDR lifestyle, but the feeling in my gut knowing that every day i take just a little bit of happiness away from someone, makes it all worth while...

    ReplyDelete
  121. Ah,it's like old times.I fact....

    ReplyDelete
  122. This comment was removed as the moderators found it broke the House rules

    ReplyDelete
  123. That's any player you like for £18.99 as well.

    Just don't show that link to Bent 'arry.

    ReplyDelete
  124. The photos are great cap comp material. Looks like the BBC got us started with some quality entries that could only be from McNumpty: "it appears both Balotelli and Mancini were upset following the confrontation" and "Mancini appears incredibly frustrated following the training ground bustup..."

    Wonder who tweeted those to him first...

    ReplyDelete
  125. Ramadan on acid

    See also

    Rosh Hashanahahish

    Diwalivecome

    and the Pagan new year...

    Bellende

    ReplyDelete