Friday, 4 January 2013

Robbo's Predictive Text

2013 can't be as exciting as 2012, although there are some reasons to be optimistic. So I've gazed into me crystal balls (it's a long story) and I foresee some moments of sporting wonder ahead of us.

January

At the Australian Open, Andy Murray's final against Novak Djokovic goes into a third day with the Serb eventually coming out on top when Murray falls asleep in the change-over.

Due to a horrible administrative error, Manchester City fail to sign David Villa. They purchase Aston Villa instead. 'Well' says Mancini, 'At least it was a  bit cheaper that way.'

Meanwhile Mancini continues to deny a training ground bust-up with Mario Balotelli. 'It was nothing', he insists, 'I'm like a father to him'. 'Yeah' agrees Balotelli 'And I hate my f**ing father.'

Theo Walcott stays at Arsenal after being offered an eight-year contract as a central striker. The recently sacked Alan Pardew tells him that the contract isn't worth the paper it was written on.

February

The Six Nations begins with England beating Scotland by six foreign players to five. They win the match too. Gavin Henson gets a recall to the Wales squad when it becomes clear that none of his countrymen have a clue where to find the best tanning salons in South Wales.

Phil The Power Taylor becomes the first winner of an indoor javelin gold at the Indoor Athletics Championships and tells the world he likes these new big darts.

Harry Redknapp's QPR astound again as they beat both Manchester City and United at home. He also manages to help out in the executive boxes when they run out of wine and bread ("Get some stones and a jug of water and I'll be up in a mo!") and he oversees Kieron Dyer as he picks up his bed and walks.

The Ivory Coast, led by Didier Drogba, win Africa's Cup of Nations. Mancini says the Toure brothers are selfish for playing so well and keeping Yaya away for so long. Mario Balotelli starts and finishes a game for the first time in six months. 'Now' Mancini smiles 'if I can get him to do the same in the first team we might be getting somewhere.'

Cristiano Ronaldo returns to Old Trafford with Real Madrid and is marked by Paul Scholes. It's not  a nice mark and Scholes receives his marching orders. (Well plodding orders these days). Real win 3-1 and England's Euro hopes rest on Arsenal....

March

.... English clubs are out of Europe at the last 16 stage as Arsenal fail to overturn their 5-1 deficit to Bayern after the first leg. Celtic remain however after they defeat Juventus. 'Can they make the whole way?' manager Lennon is asked. 'Why not?' replies the confident Ulsterman, 'Chelsea won it last year and they were shite.'

England's two away fixtures in the World Cup qualifiers garner four points. England sneak past a plucky San Marino 13-0. But Montenegro (population 680,000) terrorise the everchanging England back four (population 312 over the last five seasons) and only a late equaliser by Seb Coe salvages a point.

David Villa wins the League Cup. On his own.

The University Boat Race is obstructed by a great white mammal bobbing around near Putney Bridge, braying out unintelligible instructions. Mayor Boris Johnson is sccoped from the water and the race is re-run, with who-the-fuck-gives-a-shit beating the other ones.

April

Bubba Watson returns to the US Masters at Augusta as the defending champion only to discover that Donald Trump has sent a hairdressing sniper to remove his stupid hair. 'Only one man gets away with that sort of coiffure in this here country' announces the billionaire nutcase.

Blackburn Rovers finally appoint a new manager - and it's some bloke Shebby Singh met in a pub.
New boss Peter Reid insists that it was in a Costa Coffee Shop 'as far as I can remember'.

The Formula 1 season enters its third race with it all looking just as exciting as last year's championship. Really thrilling it is... whatever... yawwwwwn...

May

Manchester United win the Premier League for the four hundred and fifty-sodding-seventh time and Sir Alex Ferguson announces his retirement (HOORAY!) in 2020 (GROOOANNN!). Rafa Benitez watches his Chelsea team lift the FA Cup, nods in the direction of Roamn Abramovich, and gets his coat.

The Champions League final is won by Barcelona, who defeat exhuasted opponents 3-0. Lionel Messi caps an average season with his 93rd goal. Later, Barca players are accused of animal cruelty after it emerges that four of them took the club's pet Jack Russell out for a walk and never once gave the poor mutt a sniff of the frisbee.

England's rugger players are warned as to their behaviour as they set off for Australia as part of the Lions squad. Chris Ashton is sent home early after throwing a female dwarf into his fifth pint of beer.

June

In the opposite direction the Australian cricket team arrive. England are favourites after beating New Zealand despite being forced to bowl underarm in the third test. Shane Warne follows Mike Hussey into the TMS commentary box, only to be told it's not that sort of hussy. It looks like it's going to be a glorious Ashes series, particularly now the flood-waters have receded and some of the Test Match strips can be properly looked at.

The French Open final at Roland Garros goes into a fifth day. Nadal beats Djokovic on a technical knock-out.

Pacquiao and Mayweather finally get their long-awaited fight on. Dereck Chisora is ringside but only up until Round Three when he can't help himself and climbs through the ropes. He's joined there by David Haye and after squaring up to each other, Pacquiao clobbers them with simultaneous upper cuts. It is a great moment for British boxing.

The British and Irish Lions win the three-test series against Australia 2-1; Manu Tuilagi throws himself into Sydney Harbour and a lot of Sydney Harbour throws itself onto the shore.

July

 A month chockful of British sporting success.

Andy Murray beats Roger Federer in the Wimbledon final. It rains throughout but Judy Murray clambers on to the top of Centre Court and sticks her size seven stilettos into the roof to stop it closing.

Ian Poulter wins the Open Championship after being hypnotised into believing it's the Ryder Cup.

Chris Froome and Bradley Wiggins put their differences aside and win the Tour de France - on a tandem.

England's cricketers win the first two test matches, but whe Shane Warne reveals he's coming out of retirement, Ian Bell hides in the dressing-room and refuses to come out.

David Beckham announces that he's to play in the new Polar League. It's a great coup for Greenland's finest club, Nuuk United. He will join the other star signings Joey Barton and Nicolas Anelka in a strong looking team.

August

It's the World Athletics Championships in Moscow and Team GB - even now the phrase just sucks - is up against it. Jessica Ennis has a terrible heptathlon and cries a lot. Britain loves her even more.

Mo Farah gives up the Mo-Bot gesture as his daughters keep thinking he's inviting them to McDonalds and then get in a state when he offers them pasta and chicken with no sauce.

Usain Bolt beats Yohan Blake complete a 1-2 in the 100 and 200 metres finals and celebrate by going to play cricket for the West Indies one-day team. Bolt is out for a startling 31 runs off one ball (all run).

Alistair Cook completes his double hundred of the summer. It's a poor effort by Cook, who really should do better. Says Geoff Boycott. Some girlish toys are found left in the England dressing-room and Boycott suggests that England's cricketers are going soft. But it turns out it's just a lot of dollies that Monty Panesar dropped during the Test Match.

September

But wait I haven't mentioned the Formula 1 championship. Well it's absolutely thrilling stuff. I mean apart from the fact that all the races have been won by the bloke who gets to the first corner in the lead. And that all the interesting stuff happens in the pits. It's so exciting watching men change the tyres on a car isn't it? Vettel's winning by the way.

The football season has started off with a lot of intriguing transfer news. Arsenal have signed a five foot six inch midfielder with good feet and no engine. Stoke City sign an electric pylon to play centre forward (Sam Allardyce is livid). QPR, miraculously resurrected by Harry Redknapp hold a jumble sale in a church hall off the Goldhawk Road, and get £22.50 for Jose Bosingwa.

New Chelsea manager Pep Guardiola is under enormous pressure after his team win their first six matches without conceding a goal.

And newly-promoted Middlesbrough (ahem - did I forget to mention that heroic play-off victory at Wembley in May?) parade their last-minute captures. Gianluigi Buffon says he's looking forward to his first parmo; Didier Drogba is relishing  the challenge. And Lionel Messi says he's hardly had chance to draw breath - which is pretty much true of everyone who lives here.

October-December

Look I'll be honest. I can't even be bothered to look that far ahead. I mean we could all be so screwed by Georgie Osborne's Austerity budgets that the national sport will suddenly have become piggy-bank hammering. Ah no, I'm going to be positive...

But by December, England are well on their way to defending the Ashes, GB win the Rugby League World Cup, Mario Balotelli finds inner peace, Michael Owen finds a personality, David Moyes finds a trophy from somewhere, Nick Clegg finds his balls, Roy Hodgson finds a team, Sepp Blatter finds a P-45, members of the NRA are all backed into a concrete cell by and locked in there forever by 'a good man with a gun', and David Attenborough is told he's allowed to live forever so long as he never stops making television programmes.

Happy New Year and up, up, UP the BORO!!!



















78 comments:

  1. Well done Robbo. Be so kind and tell if its gonna rain this evening. Was planning to go for a walk.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The thing about the Mancini v Balotelli spat is they do fight like girls.

    Typical Italians.

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  3. good stuff robbo

    have you got next week's lottery numbers?

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  4. GB win the Rugby League World Cup? Hoping you mean England, Robbo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and when you said Boro win the Wembley play-off, did you mean Bolton?

      Delete
    2. nope, watford

      Delete
  5. great stuff Robbo. I almost spilt me dwarf.

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  6. Happy New Year to you sir and all that frequent your fine blog.

    Looks like it's gonna be a great year, I have full faith in your prediction abilities, however, wouldn't a Jack Russel from Barcalona be a Javier Russo or something Spainishy like that?

    Yo no sé

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unless it was a lady,then it would be Rene Russo.

      Delete
  7. Giro looks like Sir Brad's best chance of a Grand Tour victory this year.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That doesn't mean he's unemployed mind.

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  9. The predictions seem spot on to me, Robbo. Only thing is, I thought Who-the-fuck-gives-a-shit and The Other Ones was both a winning Exacta for the 2013 Kentucky Derby or a rock band whose hit single was "Crystal Balls (Long Story)".

    Oh, and Greenland already has a football league, the Coca Cola GM (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coca_Cola_GM). There's more on the FA's website, too (http://www.gbu.gl/index.php?lang=en). Though I suppose you meant Beckham & Co. were starting a sort of Polar Champions League with B-67 (last year's champs), which does make sense.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mario Balotelli to get '100 more chances' - Roberto Mancini

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20908006

    Good; he'll be out by the end of the week.

    Late on in the piece, Fergie mentions putting wolves in the forest by their training ground. Why do I think he isn't kidding?

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  11. if Balotelli gets 100 more chances, he'll probably score from two of them (a better average than El Mandy).

    ReplyDelete
  12. New West Ham signing Joe Cole says it was "the hardest thing" to turn down the chance to link up with his former manager Harry Redknapp at Queens Park Rangers."That was the hardest thing for me," says Cole. "Harry gave me my first chance and I'll be forever indebted to him. It was just a case that I wanted to be close to my family and when West Ham came in it was too much here for me not to say no."
    ===========================================

    I'm sure the Hammers fans will be thrilled to know that he really wanted to go to QPR but joined them because he would be closer to his family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, West Ham and QPR must be about a million miles apart from each other, big city that London.

      Delete
    2. well, Liverpool must have felt like another planet. Oh, hang on a minute...

      Delete
    3. The Planet Scally in the distant Mersiverse.

      (say it in a Stevie Me accent and it almost sounds real)

      Delete
    4. Dont get me started on New Jersey.

      Delete
    5. You would think on 90k/week he might've found a way to bridge the distance between Upton park and Loftus Road.

      Delete
  13. doesn't matter where he goes, he'll be on the bench or the physio table after about three weeks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On the subject of Joke Hole, I remember when he could leave on a free from the Chavs and the choice was Arsenal or L'pooh. All the Mickeys and the gooners on the blog were creaming themselves over the prospect of him joining their team apart from myself and one other poster (Spit if memory serves) Man we dodged the bullet on that one. His first game, L'pool v Arsenal coincidently, he got a red card and it all went down hill from there.

      Delete
  14. Brilliant stuff Robbo. Was a laugh riot as always.

    Now if only Wenger can get David Villa or Aston Villa, or anyone just so I dont have to see Gervinho and Ramsey on that teamsheet in 2013, ah who am i kidding :@

    --BeeZee

    ReplyDelete
  15. Jacks
    You obviously can read my mind

    Get a good position by Xmas, to avoid struggling against relegation in the 2nd half of the season, and at the time losing to Vale and let them get to the top

    ReplyDelete
  16. Big story here in Hamburg when I got back after the break

    Rafael VdV decked his gorgeous wife Sylvie at a New Years Eve party, and the political Left want him banned for a game, WTF!!!

    Now if only DB would do that to Vicky

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. a game? If it's spousal abuse he should get a lot more than a game (unless he gets selected for the prison team).

      Delete
  17. Ban players for being arseholes and were not going to get much football

    Up against the mighty shots tone

    Meanwhile vale could should go top again....

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anyone else think Brooklyn Beckham looks a bit like John terry?

    ReplyDelete
  19. According to today's Times,John Terry has announced on some social network forum that he's gutted that Frank Lampard is leaving Chelsea.

    And where did this oaf find this information?Frank's agent quoted by Sky Sports News.

    So if Brooklyn looks like him Blogs,I sure as hell hope he isn't as bright as him.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Looks like Heather Mills is giving the Chuckle Brothers a turning over at the moment.

    Now there's a thought.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Seems like RBA's Mighty Shots are a bit too mighty at the mo

    ReplyDelete
  22. There's a brain teaser jacks- who's thicker becks or terry

    Tom pope eh tone? What's he on? Two more today nearly a goal a game.

    Mac Lads done good

    ReplyDelete
  23. Van fuckin persie. What a steal at 24 mil..I was one of those who said he had one good season, is 29 and spends most of the season injured and could never repeat last season, but what a way to prove everyone wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Van Persie is the Tom Pope of the premiership

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the pope van is the ship of the premier priest, moe.

      Delete
  25. So West Ham have Carroll and Cole and hence have returned Benayoun to Chelsea. Why? 3 half crocked, semi-useful ex/current Liverpool players too much ?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Membership Percy is Pope Tom of Van the The

    ReplyDelete
  27. Pope farts in back of Tom Ford's van.

    ReplyDelete
  28. What about the Pope's member and a white van?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Found this one in the archives. 1995, which means these are our current Premier Leaguers. Explains quite a bit, actually.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBv6t7nmIeE

    ReplyDelete
  30. Well found Stephen, equally quality ROFL

    ReplyDelete
  31. A giant killing is on now. Gunners 2-1 up!

    ReplyDelete
  32. awww fuck, another late equaliser ends the dream.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Trivia Question:

    Who used a 3-3-4 formation with success, and when?

    Why? I found my old NASL-YMCA 'soccer' rule book from the late seventies, early eighties.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remember my favorite formation as a u7 was 9(1), which involved almost everyone chasing the ball with one kid (usually me) outside the melee awaiting the ball for a run on the keeper. It was very effective against the similar yet not quite as effective 10 formation.

      Delete
    2. I played that formation also, scored personal best of 4 goals that way.

      Delete
  34. Listening to, but not watching, the match, I do wonder what anyone other than Suarez would have done. I'm not convinced that there are many players who would have let it go or admitted the handball and asked the goal to be scrapped. Sure, he cheated, but who wouldn't?

    ReplyDelete
  35. most players would have acknowledged it and put their hands up in apology. He kissed the wrist that he used to cheat, to rub salt in the wounds, complete twat and incompetent officials.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Scousers eh

    Suarez adds Mansfield to "every country with black people/esp Ghana" to the growing list of places he can't go on holiday.

    up there with henri and maradonna in the cheating cunt hierarchy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As for the Ghana handball, he knew what he was doing and considered it worth the punishment. I suspect many defenders would have felt the same way, and I'd bet most fans probably would have wanted their defender on the line to do try if put in the same situation.

      Delete
  37. Ah yes, I remember Henry apologizing to Ireland and the officials during the match, thus disallowing the goal he set up, enabling Ireland to qualify for... oh, wait...

    But yes, incompetent officials and jackassery don't make it easier to swallow.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thanks Robbo for all your blogs and a happy New Year to one and all.
    My prediction is a lot of confused girlfriends in the Chelsea flock.
    Del

    ReplyDelete
  39. Rio Ferdinand fine footballer and dead ringer for joseph goebbels

    ReplyDelete
  40. What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot ?

    A kangaroo is a marsupial

    A kangaroot is a geordie stuck in a lift

    ReplyDelete
  41. Apparently Rio Ferdinand wants to become the first black James Bond (in Four Four Two magazine) - can't really see it myself to be honest

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. check out goebbel's photo youll see that rio would make a really good first black nazi propaganda minister

      Delete
  42. Replies
    1. There isnt one, though, is it?

      Its like the dog that has finally caught its tail.

      Keep going round and round in an endless circle...

      Delete
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    Sendings off that is

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