I spent the last weekend of Premier League fixtures with my arse firmly on the back of my seat. No squeaky bums. Not even a sweaty crotch. Unless you were part of the North London neighbourhood carve-up then the last day was of no consequence whatsoever.
Spurs and Arsenal managed to maintain their form until the end. The Gooners ground their way to a 1-0 in a manner that would have had George Graham oozing appreciation. Tottenham battered away all afternoon and in the end owed everything to yet another piece of ludicrous brilliance from Gareth Bale.
You can tell how good Bale is - and how confident - from his ridiculous new hairdo. Only a man whose authority is undeniable can sport a parting so severe it looks like it's been put there by a Samurai swordsman.
Wenger's men somehow toppled over the line having been 7 points adrift 10 games ago. Spurs really only have themselves to blame. And now they face the prospect of more Thursday nights out, toiling against all-comers from far-flung corners of Europe. The Europa League might be good enough for Rafa Benitez, but you only have to look at the group stage team selections to know how seriously English clubs take it.
And the question is, will Gareth Bale want to be part of that? Because if he's on his way then Spurs need to pretty much start from scratch. Without Bale, Tottenham are Fulham. I can't quite remember a season where one man has single-handedly kept a team afloat. By Baling them out time after time.
Maybe Van Persie last year got close with Arsenal. In Ronaldo's glory season he made an enormous difference. But Bale has scored more winning goals from preposterously unlikely sources - many of them have been last ditch howitzers - that it seems unthinkable that Spurs could even make a top eight next season without him.
Across Europe there's not a man more wanted than Bale. Will AVB cash in and bring in the likes of Moutinho and a striker who is (a) less greedy than Defoe and (b) less lazy than Adebayor? (Ade's like some captive lion most days - you draw back the cage door and wait for him to spring and he just lies there licking his balls. More to the point, what sort of a masochist would want to inflict a Europa League campaign on himself when other clubs - including Arsenal - offer the Champions League?
So, Arsene has bought himself more time. Now he needs to buy himself some better players. Koscielny has probably been their best player in the last six weeks. Mertesacker has almost resembled a centre-half. Giroud hasn't looked quite so much of a journeyman. Cazorla, Arteta and a fit Wilshere promise a fine midfield - if he can keep hold of them all. And the gaffer has been promised shedloads for the summer.
Next season there has to be a trophy. So this close season is going to test him to the hilt. A new keeper - Begovic, Mignolet? A centre-back with authority? A new midfielder who can tackle? Another striker so that Gervinho doesn't become your only hope. Whatever he gets he must know by now that his tippy-tappy quotient has been reached. No more Rosicky clones.
As for the rest of the fixtures, well they were notable for a great raft of significant retirements, the most significant of which were Jamie Carragher's and Paul Scholes. Nothing endures in football quite like the respect for a one-club footballer. Obviously, unless you're Steve Harper, you have to start at a top club in order to want to stay there for your whole career. (I'm joking, my Geordie chums).
When asked to appraise Carragher on Match of the Day, neither Hansen or Shearer mentioned Carragher's footballing skill and elegance. Of course not. It would be like celebrating Kenneth Williams's physical strength. His early days at Liverpool were marked by some traditional English full-back shanks into the crowd. What he's never been short of is nous. A bit of common or garden savvy. Liverpool were better when he played than when he didn't.
Scholesy's already had his valedictories here cos, like his manager, he retired once before. Just chuffed he got that last yellow card to go with al the others. But a wonderful footballer who was stupidly neglected by England managers when he was the best midfielder we had.
And finally there's Steve Harper. Not a bench-warmer in the new school of 'sit tight, play in the League Cup and pick up your massive wedge'. This bloke did understudy like no other. He may have escaped the attention of many but not the Toon Army. He was a bloody good keeper. And a fine and sentimental sole too as we found out in the 37th minute.
So with all these retirees, and with the managerial merry-go-round spinning so fast that most coaches are holding on to their rides by their fingertips, the close season promises a lot of intrigue. Chelsea, Everton, Manchester City - they'll all be unveiling new coaches - or in Chelsea's case, the old one. It's only ten weeks away - or summat like that.
Team of the year? Mignolet: Zabaleta, Ferdinand, Vertonghen, Baines; Mata, Cazorla, Carrick, Bale; Van Persie, Suarez.
Unheralded team of the year? Well this lot'll do for a start...
Mignolet: Martin, Boyce, Jagielka, Lowton; McManaman, Nolan, Coutinho, Mirallas; Michu, Benteke. (Honorable mentions to Lambert and Lukaku). Be good to hear who you think doesn't get the recognition they deserve.
Enjoy your rest, footy fans. In the meantime I'll be banging on about cricket, tennis and all that other stuff that sort of passes for sport. Up the Boro!