Monday, 7 October 2013

Ingerland, Ingerland, Ingerland...

Oh shite. It's another of those weeks coming up. England have two games between themselves - ourselves? - and World Cup qualification. Try as I might I can't help sensing a dryness at the back of the throat, chrysalises in the belly just bursting with butterflies and, I don't mind admitting, a certain tightening of the ring-piece.

And yet I keep asking myself why. Why, when all England have thrown at us in every tournament since '96 has ranged from inept penalty-taking to inept bleeding everything. Why, when I absolutely know that Hodgson and his squad don't have a Richard Dawkins' prayer of a chance even if they do qualify? Why, when I enjoy it much more after we have made our inglorious/brave/unfortunate exit from the tournament?

Why, when it's just an accident of birth that I am English. And, given the less than binding regulations regarding which country one can represent these days, why don't I just tell everyone I'm Spanish and have done with it? Like Big Sam, who reckons he'd be a tactical genius if his name was pronounced 'Allardici', I too would be held in high regard: Derekinho Robsonez.

But I look down the highlights of the weekend's Premier League matches and suddenly start to imagine England on the brink of a renaissance. Forget that Roy Hodgson is a careful (negative)manager who doesn't so much 'set out his stall' as 'design the whole indoor market complete with good points of access and egress and clearly marked muster points'.

No, England have two strikers in good form: Sturridge and Rooney. They have a solid centre-back pairing, a commanding captain in the deep-lying Gerrard, and a couple of bright young things in Barkley and, if they can drag him out from behind the bike-sheds, Puffin' Jacky Wilshere. Hell there's even that converted tearaway Ravel Morrison looking more than promising now.

(And don't forget Januzaj! Yep, I saw little Adnan only the other day, fish n chips in one hand, B n H in the other, having a good old sing-song around the joanna before settling down to watch Corrie. Aye, he's salt o' the earth that lad.)

On the other hand, the keeper looks capable of diving over a double-decker bus at the moment... and the right-back, whoever he is, has a tendency to get so lost high up the pitch that the other ten have to organise a search party. And James Milner might be playing: Mr Work-Rate. Honestly sometimes I crave a lazy bastard who can actually do something with the football.

But there ought to be the makings of some sort of a team there. And yet... and yet....

...They can't seem to keep the ball. If they could retain the ball like my bladder can retain liquid we'd be laughing. But technically, England are still - what's the word? - SHIT. Never mind keepy-uppies - it'd be good to see our boys start with playing 'keepies'.

The standard of coaching of young footballers in this country is a root cause but don't worry!!! The FA's head of coaching is none other than John Beck. YES, that's John Beck who made Graham Taylor's Watford look like Barcelona. John Beck, who left the corners of the pitch unmown so a big hoof would slow up there, who gave prizes to the lad that could kick it the furthest, who dowsed his players in cold water before a game.

England's footballing youth is in safe hands, eh? For fucking fuck's sake.

So, it appears that my rising anxiety is based upon not evidence but some weird learnt experience. I think it's called 'blind patriotism'. That I should watch England - a hastily assembled bunch of self-interested millionaires - and expect them to lift my spirits like some Olympian distance-runner. Hmmm.

And even if they do get to the Brazil, what is the World Cup anyway? With every passing day it becomes clearer and clearer that the greatest football tournament in the world is one enormous gravy train for the insular and self-serving members of FIFA (Financially-Incentivised Football Administration).

I have this horrible dream that in 2043, the cryogenically-frozen head of Sepp Blatter will be thawed out long enough for him to tell us that World Cup 2056 will be held on... the planet Jupiter.

"Yes" Sepp'll say "there'll be those who doubt that the transport links will be up and running in time. There'll be those who wonder if Jupiter has enough of a football fanbase to create a decent atmosphere. There'll even be those who wonder whether athletes will be able to play football on a gaseous surface, let alone breathe the toxic air. And yes, they may have to play the tournament in mid February to compensate. But there all always nay-sayers and doom-mongers.

But all this faffing around the edges of the Qatar 2022 decision just shows how many vested self-interests are already in place. It was about intelligent decision-making it would never have gone there in the first instance.

Here are three objections that might have been raised at the time:
1. They don't like poofters.
2. They employ slaves.
3. It's too fucking hot.

But if you start including all these factors into your calculations then... well, Russia would have to keep their gobs shut and tolerate homosexuals at the Winter Olympics. And frankly, who exactly do they think is doing most of the ice-skating there, anyway, eh?

Nah, it's a bloody ugly farrago is the World Cup - a great festival of fingers in pies masquerading as a sporting spectacle. I feel soiled just thinking about it, as soiled as a free-thinking person allowing themselves to watch the X Factor (which I did on Saturday night and if there is a priest out there can you get round my house double-quick and absolve me of my sins?)

Yeah, the World Cup is completely and utterly tarnished in my eyes. There's only one thing that can reclaim it from the gutter. That's an England victory!

Come on lads. We can have these Montenegrolians! Brazil here we come! 2-1 on Friday. 3-0 on Tuesday. Job done.








171 comments:

  1. Everything mentioned here pretty much sums up the reasons I gave up watching England before the last World Cup. We're just not good enough, and we never will be until the idiots at the top get off their asses and actually do something pro-active about how we train kids at the grass roots level. As for FIFA....

    Fraudulent Iniquitous Foul Association is the phrase that springs to my mind...

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  2. True, true, true. But I'll still watch in hope.

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  3. We ought to qualify,but I'm just as nervous as you Del.

    If we do make it,I'm sure we'll have a couple of months of high expectations (based on 10-0 wins over Gibraltar) followed by the crashing realisation that we are,in fact,shit.

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    1. 10-0 v Gibraltar is pushing it, Jacks. Them Barbary Apes are pretty handy.

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  4. England are always weirdly far less the sum of their constituent parts. these are technically very gifted players who transform into hoofers. woy was to blame in the last game - he told the defence to hoof it up but his excuse was he was missing his more able players.

    i hope sepp blatter'shead will be the ball in 20143. by the way, in denis potter's Cold Lazarus, albert finney's cryogenically frozen head replays his few happy moments, one of which is an alan mullery goal for fulham

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    1. This is bang on. We've a good hald dozen champions league winners in the england team - or have in the past. Alot start for their clubs but we remain shit. I cannot for the life of me understand why people would want to watch them play, (certainly since about 98 when we didnt have and any champions league winners in the side) apart from blind patriotism. Its painful, pointless viewing.

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  5. did you see the story about UEFA's plan to invite ALL THE GOOD TEAMS to play in the Euros so in effect becoming an alternative world cup without the crap teams and always being in europe.

    now with fifa in its present corrupt incarnation i think this kind of challenge is inevitable but i do think the WC with its funny little jamaican bobsleigh-type crap teams is part of the fun and it would be a pity to lose that element. i also suspect that its really about platini challenging blatter and the plan will be dropped when platini becomes the new fifa Sun King.

    you can see why we never used to take part in the WC though cant you? remain aloof and try to look english and one is in no particular danger as one toff said during the Paris Commune.

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  6. Barmy army?

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/swino-is-dead-boozy-feral-pig-who-found-fame-after-getting-drunk-on-stolen-beer-and-starting-a-fight-with-an-innocent-cow-dies-in-car-accident-8864047.html

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  7. It could have been worse - they could have given the England job to this clown.

    http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/11675/8961805/harry-redknapp-insists-football-association-are-clueless

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  8. I know what I can smell...

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/chelsea/10360026/Jose-Mourinho-says-he-doesnt-get-nervous-during-matches-because-he-can-smell-when-a-goal-will-be-scored.html

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  9. Me, I like Ingurland games - gets the mrs out of the way, and by 20 minutes in I'm asleep, insomnia cured for the next one and a half hours. I might stay awake a bit longer if Leighton Baines is playing, out of club loyalty. With a name like that he should have been Arkwright's assistant in Open All Hours..
    As for Full Income From Arselicking, the less said the blatter...

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  10. good stuff Robbo. I don't have the same nervousness at all, I've felt confident about the 2014 world cup victory since Lampard didn't equalize against the Krauts. The only moments of doubt are when I wake up dreaming of Tomasewski when there's blood on the walls and another toe missing. Fuck, why did you remind me? Back to the Doctor it is then.

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  11. England have two strikers in good form: Sturridge and Rooney.

    Yep only problem is Danny Welbeck will play not Sturridge cos Roy always picks him for some reason

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    Replies
    1. To be fair Welbeck has a pretty decent strike rate at national level...

      Republik of Mancunia

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  12. Nice one Robbo.

    The Netherlands have already qualified, so that's me sorted (business wise) It would be nice if England qualified, but I don't think I'll shed too many tears if they don't.

    Don't get me wrong, I do try to care, but it's hard to when they look like they couldn't give a toss. It doesn't help that they seem to be working with ancient tactics (if any) in an outdated system, with players that can't conect, I mean, how many times do we have to be subjected to the whole Lampard and Gerrard can't play together bollox?

    I know it, you know it, ffs even they know it, but for some unfathomable reason. any England manager just doesn't get it. It's like they've been flashed with that thingymijig from the MiB films and fed a line that they just might work together well. Well, that's the only rational explanation I can come up with for persisting with a partnership that at least four managers haven't been able to get to click.

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  13. Insightful as always, Derekinho Sportifico Bloggadissimo du Robsonez de la Teesside. Now how do you plan to fix it all?

    England have to qualify. If you don't, the FA will join UKIP and purge the country of foreigners. Though if it benefits the reconstituted cap-free NASL, which now inexplicably includes a team in the suburban town where I was born (population size appx that of Blackpool, though the similarities end there) competing in the same league as the reborn NY Cosmos, I might be okay with it... and I might move back closer to home.

    I suppose this is why my mom never roots for England in football matches. Never mind that she doesn't care about football. This is all a plot to get me to be closer to the family.

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  14. H...The only rational explanation I can come up with for the perennially disappointing shower of superstar non achievers that passes for our national team is that the FA is a front for the Ooze off of ghostbusters2 which feeds off human suffering and grows strong from our pain

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    Replies
    1. The only problem is....

      Who we gonna call????

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  15. Just watching a replay of the WBA v Arsenal game.

    Seeing that Jack Wilshere's goal came from a deflected shot could you call it a Lucky Strike?

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    1. He should wear No.6 next week, he's tipped to be an England (Full Strength) Capstan one day although some of those folks are menthol,dunno what they're smokin'.

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    2. He's a Silk CVut above the rest, but he's probably a bit tired of being the butt of all these jokes.

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    3. Just coincidence that he picked up his bad habits at Bolton and Horwich (B&H)

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  16. Seeing as how thin arsenals squad is its say it was a Players Light

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  17. Not true, we still have Nicotine Bendtner to come off the bench.

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  18. To be blunt, I'm not for twenty more of these smoking puns.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. get a filter and nip it in the bud.

      Delete
  19. I've tried, but couldn't get 'Johnny Player Special' into a relevant pun. They were my brand of choice as a teenager. Nice packaging.

    Anyhow, if you want to see England at a World Cup where they have a (slight) chance of winning, then the Rugby League World Cup kicks off later this month. It's in England too, so home advantage may play a factor. The Aussies should win it, but England have a very good chance of making the final, with the Kiwi's in a transitional stage, and Sonny Bill Williams not playing.

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    1. Jack is sometimes a shortened version of John Noel.

      So maybe Jack Wilshere is a John Player Special?

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  20. hopefully the Aussie Embassy has messed up their passports.

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  21. Apparently the England manager training sessions are full of running into positions and drills that don't actually involve a football. This might explain why when a ball does happen to accidentally appear on a pitch on match day it is as popular as a reggae band in a klu klux klan meeting. The strategy is to remove / kick the $hit out of the offending object before it does any harm.

    However, ye of the "glass half empty" brigade - just imagine how good we would be when we do finally introduce a football into training ..... World Cup in Jupiter here we come ..

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    1. I'm personaly against holding the WC on Jupiter, I mean there wouldn't be much of an atmosphere in the stadiums.

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    2. But the inability to breath is still preferable to having to listen to one of those friggin' vuvuzelas.

      Delete
  22. Question of the day;

    If Sturridge and Suarez are the SAS, what does that make Welbeck, Anderson, Nani + Kagawa?

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    Replies
    1. Premier League winners.

      Now that's a serious indictment of the state of English football.

      Delete
  23. and what does it make Fabianski Arteta Gibbs Sczcesny Monreal Ozil Koscielny Eisfeld Ramsey Sagna.

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    Replies
    1. not exactly, don't want to drag it out but inhale deeply and have another go.

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    2. Ah, I see the anagram games are back ..... used to be a riot back in the Beeb days

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  24. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho says his sense of smell can predict the different phases of matches before they happen, including when goals are scored.
    Full story: Daily Telegraph

    ====
    Yeah, I can smell something too.

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  25. Thinking of rebuilding my fantasy team around Wazza + Mata + Michu

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    1. Sounds good ....if Wazza doesn't go off in another strop, Mata works his way back to being first name on the team sheet (Still wondering what he did to slip off of it in the first place) and if Michu regains the form he had at the start of last season.

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  26. Bo (from previous blog)

    Ramsey is not only making many eat their words, he's passing the salt, pepper and tomato sauce too. What surprises me is why so many are surprised. Before the Shawcross incident he was showing that he had the potential to be a very good player, he was miles ahead of Wilshere and had pretty much nailed down a starting berth.

    That injury might of ended many players hopes, but not his, he fought back, took the abuse from the boy boys when he was played out of position (never complaining) kept his head down and worked his bloody socks off, now he's back and firing on all cylinders, good for him (and us).

    As I''ve seen that you haven't been able to see the games I'll forgive you ranking him between Savage and Chamakh ;)

    If you'd like to see highlights of the games, or watch them as live (a few days later) then go to Arsenal.com and sign up for digital membership, it's free at this moment and offers access to Arsenalplayer, all you need is an email account and you're good to go.

    http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/free-digital-membership-launches

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  27. Sonny-Bill is playing for the Kiwi's in the Rugby League World Cup now - changed his mind.

    Still - 3rd place for England ain't too bad?!

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  28. In other news ....can someone point me towards a sport that's

    A: Worth following
    B: Preferably we're good at. And
    C: Isn't being run into the ground by a bunch of cunts who take backhanders in order to overlook a raft of human rights abuses and general cuntbaggery.

    Much obliged peeps.

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    1. It's a stretch Star,but cycling has just dealt with C by kicking out the corrupt tosser that is Pat McQuaid.

      trouble is,we still have doping issues going on.

      erm.....darts?

      Delete
  29. these aren't sports, they're games! Hunting, shooting and fishing are sports, grappling with bears or throwing your dog in a badger hole is sport, slipping the leash on your whippet so he can chase a hare across a slag heap, chucking a fly across a river into a shady pond for salmon now that's sport (poaching them as they sleep and grabbing them in an onion bag is also sport).

    So, Star, I suggest you get yerself a horse, a red jacket and a bugle and get after the trail of aniseed through the woods, safe in the knowledge that when the dogs stop yapping, you'll have reached the end of the sporting pursuit and be back at a village pub where you'll all get drunk. That's sport.

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  30. I spend almost all my time in a village pub, in fact I'm in one right now.

    I await my SPoTY nomination.

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    1. you H, are the ultimate sportsman.

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    2. Yep, and I've got the beer gut to prove it. :)

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    3. it takes guts to be good sportsmen.

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  31. Star, try bog snorkelling. Not a euphemism, as far as I know. Not yet, anyway.

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  32. Shame Sunderland fans didn't do this when di Canio was appointed. It would have made for quite the press conference.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/24468656

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  33. Wilshere v Petersen

    I agree with Wilshere - foreigners shouldn't play for England.

    Take the tribal element away and football becomes meaningless. Where you were born or where you grew up - that's who you are. You might wish you were Dutch or American or Inuit and legally you can be -you can get the passport and the accent but the jesuits will tell you you the boy begets the man. I don't even care if this last vestige of authenticity is delusional, it's a delusion I'm very fond of.

    People seem terrified of the possible connotations of saying England fire the English, thanks to the racist scum who give the concept of national identity a bad name. But is a different thing. Come here and unread you want to bomb us, that's great. Work here, brilliant. Your kids can be English but you can't be English anymore than I can be Argentinian so messis place in the team is safe.

    eligibility is becoming an elective Tebbit test....what nationality do you want to be? Well swap your gender, have cosmetic surgery, fake your education, pretend you're a baronet (I think I've just described the Tory cabinet) but let's keep the England team English eh?

    KP asks Jack if his definition of foreigner includes himself Strauss Trott ie the great players who have made English cricket a success. Well the answers obvious to me..of course it does. KP has English connections but he's not English. without these imports English cricket would be in the same parlous state as English football but would have to do something developmentally to sort it out.

    I would hate to see the English football team go in the same direction importing talented Belgians etc. I want successful national team but honestly not if they're going to be foreign guns for hire.

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    1. A very considered reply Bloggy. I tend to agree with the sentiment but not the way Wilshere put it, but that's probably because I'm a snob. Oh well! Shame JDR never followed Robbo and we'd have got a very interesting argument!

      BantamDoonhamer

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    2. I agree too but the 47 million Belgians that have British passports these days would probably like to see one of their own in the team, especially when 82,000 of them go to Wembley for the games. The same is probably true for other newer elements of National society. Blame the Empire, blame WWII, blame Enoch Powell, Alf Garnett and On The Buses and the bumbling bureaucrats but not the lads who might be good enough to play anywhere. They don't make the stupid rules, it's all corrupt.

      Sumo is only sport if it's in a back alley after a night on deleter when nobody is making boat loads of Yen out of it.

      After a full day of contemplation I can safely say that another event that qualifies as sport of the highest order is the Afghani national game of Buzkashi.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZpuOn86PYI

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    3. Are you English enough if you are born somewhere else but move to England at 2 months old? 4 years old? 10 years old? Where do you draw the line?

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  34. State of the Game (http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/24467371) in a nutshell:

    England have more money than talent.

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  35. An interesting comparison re:England,half English would be the last 2 Tour de France winners.Neither of whom are English/British born.

    Brad was born in Belgium to an English mother and Aussie father.At a very early age Wiggins and mother moved back to London and he grew up here,learnt his cycling here,still lives here and would be,in my eyes,British.

    Chris Froome,however,was born in Kenya,educated in Kenya and South Africa,represented Kenya at World Championship level,first pro team was South African yet,through I think Grandparents,was able to take out a British racing licence.He still speaks with an African accent.Would you say he was British or British through professional choice?

    He's taken a British licence because of the lack of opportunities in African cycling.Is that any different to Zola Budd or Robin Smith?

    The difficulty is where do you draw the line between British through family and British through convenience.

    British history,through the Commonwealth,makes our situation slightly different to a number of other nations (although the All Blacks like to help themselves to as many Pacific Islanders as possible).So does the fact that we clobbered a few locals before planting our flag around the globe mean we have a wider base to choose from,or is it merely convenience to choose to represent a nation with better facilities than,say Kenya?

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    1. That is an interesting point especially when you look at the wider contexts of Ancestry Visa's that a lot of Commonwealth citizens have used for work and residence purposes.

      Froome you could argue isn't really English although his father is British but then Roy Wegerle was South African and got American citizenship to represent the USA and there is also the case of Tony Cascarino who played for Ireland as his mother was adopted and got Irish citizenship through that.

      Lennox Lewis is also a good example of someone who took on British citizenship having represented Canada at Amateur level.

      There are arguments either way and I can understand why some people disapprove but where do you draw the line and if someone lives in England long enough and wants to be English then let them be English as long as they haven't represented another country at senior level first.

      Under Wilshere's argument John Barnes would have played for Jamaica, Vieira for Senegal and 3 members of the U-21 side would be ineligible. He only backtracked on that because it looked racist as they're all black. Interesting to see the argument between him and KP on twitter though because regardless of the merits of some of what he has said he's made himself look racist and that isn't a good thing

      Delete
  36. I was 14 when we headed to oz. After living there for 53 years I can honestly say I never felt I belonged there Had I been good enough and been given the option I would have chosen to represent England simply because it was the country of my birth./

    H2, the reasons I haven't seen a game this year is because I still haven't got internet and on the odd occasion when I manage to borrow a dongle it's too fucking slow to play any of the streams.

    If any of you have ever used an screen keyboard and mousepad to type with you will know the mmisery I have put myself through ttyping these tthree pyaragraphs.

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  37. My take on the whole immigration kurfuffle is simple:

    If they are good enough to earn the right to live and work for us, then they are damn well good enough to play for us.

    After all, its the national associations that decide who represents the country or not. You think Pietersen would have switched sides had he received a cold reception by the cric authorities here?

    As I said, if any person, regardles of place of birth, qualifies to be a british national, be it ancestry or residence, then there shall be no debate on whether or not they are british.

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  38. It's a question of identity isn't it. To my mind the core of who you are is in place by the age of 14.the culture you grow up in the midst of determines your fundamental values. if anything the race argument is the one promoted by froome, kp, their link is one by blood. Brad is different, he's more English than I am, it's where he grew up he imbibed the culture, the music, the outlook. Frome might as well be from mars. That's why no one particularly warns to him. He's here because the opportunities were greater. Similarly kp came to the UK because he was angry about race quotas in south Africa and because I'm sure he calculated he can earn more. which also probably explains his lack of loyalty to his own team when they played his mates from back home.

    If any one can play for any one you get the situation in Qatar a few years back when they were signing up young Brazilians so they qualify to play for Qatar (that's why they changed the rules) Absolute bollocks.

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  39. Agreed. I can see Bo's point of view as it salso how you feel in terms of nationality - he doesn't feel Australian whereas someone may emigrate to the USA at 18/19 and after 5 years really feel like they are an American and belong there and view themselves as American. I am eligible to represent Wales as well as England but do I FEEL Welsh? Not in the slightest so I would pick England (if they wanted me).

    As Spits said a key factor is does the country concerned want you playing for them, do you have a chance of playing somewhere else and do you want to play at that level. If I was a professional footballer and Wales wanted me and England said I was unlikely to get a chance and I really, really wanted to play international footie then I may have to be a bit more Welsh feeling

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  40. I think there's only one solution...

    We have to burn Jack Wilshere at the stake.

    There's no other solution, I mean, he was asked a question, he answered it with what he probably thought they wanted to hear, they blew it out of all reasonable proportions and why wouldn't they, because if we are living in an age where a 21 year old footballer fails to be able to articulate all the nuances of a complicated, layered, politically tinged subject as nationality, well then, he deserves to smoulder on the pole.

    He smokes too you know.

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    1. Especially after being burned at the stake.

      Delete
    2. The problem with the whole thing was how blunt the statement was - only English people by birth can play for England and that it wasn't about Januzaj whereas he woud have been better off saying that it was about Januzaj due to his age and lack of any ties to England at all whereas the 3 players in the U-21s and a lot of the other examples such as Terry Butcher, John Barnes, Tony Dorigo, Rob Jones, Le Tissier, Le Saux, Owen Hargreaves, Luther Blissett, John Salako, Cyrille Regis moved to England as young kids or teenagers or had english parents in the case of Hargreaves.

      No need to burn him at the stake but it wasn't the best thought out reponse really.

      20 match ban is necessary simply to stop Wenger dropping Ramsay or Arteta for him and spoiling Arsenals bid to stop thst smug git who manages the Scousers from winning the league

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    3. It does make you wonder what Joan of Arc said about non-French footballers to have met her fate like she did

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  41. I've lived my entire adult life abroad.

    I used to hold residence in Spain, this was pre 1992, when you had to have all kinds of special paper work to be able to hold employment in that country, which until a few weeks before I left I never even had.

    I've lived in The Netherlands since the late 80's, I've had numerous companies and business' in my name, ranging from one man ventures to partnerships to PLC's, plus various properties, I am registered to vote and have been offered full Dutch citizenship, (Passport, the works) which I declined.

    Why?

    Because I am British.

    I would never consider myself an Englishman, because quite frankly I am not. Yes, I was born in London, but my parents are Irish and it was made clear, in no uncertain terms, when I was growing up, that a son of a paddy could never really be English.

    Maybe that was just, the age I grew up in, but those words have always stuck with me and if anyone inquires to my nationality, British is the answer they get.

    Well, that's what it says on my passport, anyway, funily enough, all those that represent England, Scotland and Wales too.

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  42. Glenn Hoddle, please fuck off.

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  43. Respect to Mr. Tendulkar on retiring at the end of a fantastic career. Possibly overstayed his welcome by 3 years or so, but that will soon be forgotten while taking into account his career, and what a fabulous one it has been. And a really nice guy as well by all accounts.

    Hope he doesn't get into commentary though now. That would not be good.

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  44. Bit Harsh trotts - I wouldn't mind Hoddle managing England just don't let him talk about anything other than football matches and no faith healers and we'll be sorted.

    Would be far better than Hodgson anyway

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hodgson is the manager today, the team is what it is, the World Cup is happening whether we show up and try or not. I see him commenting on the England team and telling us to forget the World Cup 2014 a day before we play a crucial qualifier as immature, undermining, vindictive and ignorant of his current irrelevance to the proceedings. More likely he's posturing for his own future relevance and in these circumstances he's at least putting his interests ahead of those of the team and the Nation, for that he's a cunt and I would indeed like him to fuck off.

      Delete
  45. No need to burn him at the stake but it wasn't the best thought out reponse really.

    Had your sarcasm filter removed? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  46. probably.. it was overwhelmed by a quote from Blackadder Goes Forth about WW1 progress saying that We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which time millions of men have died, and we've moved no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping

    ReplyDelete
  47. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24476130

    Newcastle and Leeds fans top arrests tables for top 2 divisions - not really surprising is it

    ReplyDelete
  48. Trot is right Fuck off hoddle back to Lalaland. And I hope the day never comes when anyone from lalaland qualifies for England

    ReplyDelete
  49. Yes well if he's good of course he can play for us.

    In fact I take it all back - 18, slightly above average and Belgian?

    Welcome, friend.

    ReplyDelete
  50. H2H has hit the nail on the head, even if he wasn't trying....

    I am British, not English, as are people from all over the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (I had to check my passport to get this bit right). But, there are four "national" FA's affiliated with FIFA within the UK (plus the Republic of Ireland to which probably anyone could qualify for given the pretty mongrel nature of most of us brits). We are so used to deciding which "country" to play for and finding ways of making that legitimate that when you write down a set of rules, you really can't complain about other people using them for their own ends.

    In the paper today Rooney was reported as having been asked to play for Scotland because of a grandmother (no, not that one - a relative - OK, maybe it could have been that one....). Right now, Michael Keene is playing U21 for England - he played for Ireland at previous under-age levels while his twin brother Will was playing for England at the same time.

    It is a dogs breakfast of our own making so let's not get all hot under the collar when someone has the temerity to answer a question with an actual statement once in a while. I don't subscribe to the "Wilshere is our saviour" clan and I really, really think that twitter should have a lock on that keeps sports players and celebrities out, but at least he has an opinion and states it.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Thank you for your post. This is excellent information. It is amazing and wonderful to visit your site. It really gives me an insight on this topic.Here you can find many more tips about Self Improvement and Personal Finance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the bots are back in town ...

      Delete
  52. Thank you for your post. This is excellent information. It is amazing and wonderful to visit your site. It really gives me an insight on this topic.Here you can find many more tips about Self Improvement and Personal Finance.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I'm English and never think of myself as British. British is just a way of tricking the Welsh and Scots into thinking they're equal partners.

    Anyways..tonight we see if any of the England team would qualify for Montenegro on merit

    ReplyDelete
  54. So, them Jaffa Cake's, cakes or more like biscuits?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. or little orange pies with a choclatey crust?

      Delete
    2. or little orange pies with a choclatey crust?

      Delete
    3. not sure why that double post thing happens. maybe my computer has a stutter.

      Delete
    4. or the internet is empty and has developed an echo

      Delete
  55. BBC BREAKING NEWS : "News just in that Prince William has renounced British citizenship and joined al Quaeda. The Queen is said to be "surprised"....more to follow..."

    ReplyDelete
  56. UPDATE: The new Duke of Kandahar is quoted as saying "I'm fed up waiting for my chance to captain the side, and they're already grooming my replacement. al Qaeda offers a chance to start over and take my career to the next level. Once I learn the system, I'll go straight into the side."

    Kate and Pippa are rumored to be part of the transfer, but we can confirm that Prince George will not be joining them.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Jack Wilshere has condemed the move saying that you have to be Al Quadean to play for Al Quaeda.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Jack Wilsheres latest comments have caused a bit of an uproar, however, in a quick responce to his critics he as now stated that he never said they had to be born in al Quaeda.

    ReplyDelete
  59. LATEST

    Match of the Day's Al Shaerer has come out in support of Prince William's decision to join the terror group.

    Joey Barton has said that Shaerer is a c*unt who should go back to kreosoting his face and that al Quaeda are sh*t at the moment and Prince William should have joined al kebab

    Al Quaeda in a populist move have made Joey Barton their number One target.

    MI5 have arrested a well spoken young man in the Shepherd's Bush area wearing a suicide vest...

    ReplyDelete
  60. 'Arry Redknaap has now revealed that not even Jose Morinihio could of kept Prince William in England.

    ReplyDelete
  61. 'Arry's new book claims he was offered the Al Quaeda Managerial position in a text from Osama bin Laden, but he turned it down for the chance to manage England.

    ReplyDelete
  62. David Beckham is thinking of buying an al Queada Franchise club.

    A sound investment which would pay for itself, as putting Posh in a burqa would save millions on designer rags and make up alone.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Meanwhile,Roy Keane has been named as the new manager of Al Qaeda.

    All flights out of Kabul are fully booked,with many claiming some bloke called Wilshere said it was OK to come to Britain,as anyone should be allowed in as long as they can take a decent free kick.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Sepp Blatter has leant his support to Al Queada's 2026 WC bid.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Robbo Robson has been named Chief Principal Senior Head Football Writer for the AQC website. A job that 'Arry reckons he was also in line for having received a text from a bloke called 'Phil' telling him as much in not so many words.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Gary Lineker on heir to throne Prince WIlliam joining Islamic terror oragnisation :

    "He's a class act and you know, whatever the rights and wrongs, and I don't feel qualified to have an opinion on anything at all really, but he's a young man and most young men join al Quaeda at some stage before they realise it's not going to do them any good. But let's not get carried away. It's not the crime of the century. Not yet anyway, ha ha."

    ReplyDelete
  67. Greg Dyke has been asked to give an opinion.

    After a short think he decided to farm it out to a commision. We should have an answer within the next six months.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agent Hoddle has already made his report to Dyke with information from the Other Side :

      "dont worry everything's lovely over here and we're thinking of you"

      Delete
  68. Meanwhile, speaking from a Mountain retreat in Tibet, Glenn Hoddle expressed concern about the absence of herbal tea bags in the England dressing room and said the matter would be on the agenda for his next meeting with Mr. Dyke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha great minds... or tiny ones in this case.

      ANd on that note I'm off to join al kebab

      You all realise of course that this website has now registered RED ALERT on the GCHQ and CIA terrorist chatter monitoring system and an international dragnet is moving into place to arrest operatives in america, holland, buxton (the hotspings of terror) and north essex.

      Their shadowy leader in deep cover as a north London thespian has yet to be named. Agent JoeDavisRoach has been despatched….

      Delete
    2. 'Arry was offered that GCHQ job......!

      Delete
    3. I don't think MI5 are out to get us just yet.

      But if any of you get caught smoking.......

      Delete
    4. Strange morning in Minneapolis - I'm suddenly hearing helicopters. Just clicked over to the Robbo blog to read comments about England's match, and...oh, excuse me, some gentlemen in black combat gear, wearing balaclavas and carrying sub-machine guns, are asking me to please wear some zip ties and come with them...

      Delete
    5. Ah, so you were the recruiting agent taking all those Somalians to join militant groups, Scott. Glad that's sorted.

      Delete
    6. Yes, and proud, proud I am to see my humble town achieve fame on the global stage. What can I say? The lustre of those baseball championships in '87 and '91 had faded over the years, and I had some time on my hands...

      Delete
  69. Glenn has also claimed he's never coming back, as he has finaly found some likeminded individuals who share his views on the disabled.

    ReplyDelete
  70. What the hell happened here? Stayed off here for half a day and now I'm posting from me phone as I dare not access this page from my company network anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And the bots are back.what next.

      Delete
    2. A nice trip to Cuba with a nice orange outfit.

      And not the sort of outfit that'll be worn in The Waggon Wheel next summer.

      Delete
    3. A carribean adventure with free jumpsuit thrown in.

      By all accounts a lot better then Club Med too.

      Delete
  71. Not a bad performance from Ingerland.

    Cue mass hysteria.................

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as they do the same against Poland................

      Delete
  72. Not a bad performance from the Dutch, either.

    I hear Chelsea are thinking of signing the Belgian striker who scored two goals in their qualification-clinching victory over Croatia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oranje were lucky, it could of easily been only 7-1.

      Delete
  73. Goods stuff from the England team.Townsend looks the business.hope Theo remains the impact sub his headless chicken displays deserve. Wilshere should start instead of one of the geriatricos in mfield, who cares which. Surely its clear now that Baines has overtaken cashley? sturridge and welbeck looked lively and hungry up front.

    We can win this. Although they'll be saying the same thing in Belgium.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Replies
    1. Cheers Blogs!

      Delete
  75. At some point Woy you're going to get it in the neck, so for now, well done

    ReplyDelete
  76. I agree Blogs.

    Once again bold selections for Woy.As Blogs suggests the only issue he could deal with is the two old buggers in the middle.

    Having said that,they were both pretty disciplined yesterday,no 60 yard hollywood balls from St Gernard.

    Townsend looked very dangerous every time he got the ball.

    I do hope we all say the same on Wednesday morning as well.

    ReplyDelete
  77. The whole Jack Wilshere thing was raised because of Yanazai and should he qualify and be selected to play for England... in 2018!

    What Wilshere should have said is: "Has anyone actually asked Yanazai if he wants to play for England?"

    Given the choices, I think he would turn down England and choose Belgium -- in my view, one of the reasons Moyes brought Fellaini to United is so that Fellaini can convince Yanazai to sign a new contract.

    ReplyDelete
  78. With all that money in the premiership why dont we just bribe FIFA to give us the World Cup?

    Cheque please

    ReplyDelete
  79. Possible even more reasons 'arry the bung' should have been manager ?

    ReplyDelete
  80. Looks like Pablo Osvaldo is ready to go home. Or at least somewhere other than Southampton. Apparently, the BPL is too rough.

    http://www.fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/402181?eref=sircrc&eref=fromSI

    ReplyDelete
  81. Liverpool's hopes of redeveloping Anfield are under threat because bats, a protected species whose habitat must not be "adversely affected" by building work, have been seen flying around the stadium.
    Full story: Metro

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5esm3QjxNd4

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they're English, you're stuck with another batch of short-sighted, flighty wingers. If they're foreign, you can get rid of them by offering them a spot on the cricket team.

      Delete
    2. Looks like a Stanley Park groundshare with Everton is back on then

      Won't happen because it's too sensible

      Delete
  82. Cricket, of course, being the most natural habitat for bats.

    On an unrelated note, may I remind everyone of 2 things prior to tomorrow's game against Poland:

    1. If we lose, that doesn't automatically make us the worst team in the world with no hope of winning anything till the year 3000.
    2. If we win, reign in the euphoria, and please do not believe it makes us one of the favorites next year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But Count von Count says there are One, Two... Two things prior to tomorrow's game against Poland...

      Mostly because he didn't want to count to 18,000.

      Delete
  83. Road renamed Sir Alex Ferguson Way? I've heard it is actually nine miles longer than it it is on the map.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-24524515

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops. Hello Stephen. I think I've just tweeted more or less the same joke as yours!

      Delete
    2. You keep looking at your watch because it seems to be taking less/more time than you think it should - depends if ManU are currently not winning/winning. Oh, hang on.....

      Spider

      Delete
    3. Robbo, I've heard it said that great minds think alike. Alternatively, those distracted by football probably do, as well.

      Delete
  84. Tragically,Mrs Jack is staying the night away at a friend's house (as she's teaching an evening course the evening).

    Is there anything on TV tonight?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cooking or Nazis usually, Jacks.

      When are they going to make the ultimate TV programme - Nazis Come DIne With Me, the Naked Nazi or Ready STeady Heil!

      Delete
    2. Oh and I think theres a football match

      Delete
  85. Pet Shop Boys Electric Tour highlights :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I take it that the highlight is them walking off stage at the end?

      Delete
    2. I'd prefer Acoustic Tour highlights, as that would pretty much eliminate all the sound...

      Delete
  86. The last song (Vocal) is actually really good with an excellent laser show.

    So quite possibly yes (although Flourescent, Thursday and the cover they do of Springsteen's Last To Die are also top drawer)

    ReplyDelete
  87. so, naked cooking in a Nazi pet shop it is.

    ReplyDelete
  88. I'm rather looking forward to a programme about a Nazi Chef,looking to relocate to the countryside.He's doing this to have more room for his lasers and pets.

    ReplyDelete
  89. I've been looking for a good recipe for Doberman tenderloin with pureed hamster in a goldfish gravy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that one of the challenges on Man V Food Trotts?

      Delete
    2. not sure Jacks but if it isn't it should be! Along with sauteed guinea pig in a tortoise shell.

      Delete
  90. Almost home time,so one final remark.

    Howay the lads!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  91. Not that I know anything about anything, but I would have liked to see Wilshere instead of Carrick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smokin' Jack's Mum said the same thing.

      Delete
  92. Congrats. You've done exactly what you were supposed to do. Looking forward to a few months of relative optimism (semis?!) before you squeak through the group stages and promptly drop out on penalties.

    Actually, that sounds about like what we'll do, aside from the penalties and the implication that you can find two people in the same place (or a media outlet) with any clue the World Cup is coming.

    Also, I hope Ashley Young saw Gerrard's goal.

    ReplyDelete