Okay lady and gentlemen. Cover your eyes if I've predicted good things for your teams this year - or you can always resort to a Greg Dyke throat-slitting gesture if you wish. Here's what I see happening at least up until the World Cup - and let's face it, after that the rest of the year can go hang.
England's valiant cricketers return home and parade through the streets of London in an open-top bus. Australians watch from top-floor windows and piss all over them for the sixth time this winter.
On a visit to Manchester, Brendan Rogers gets a parking ticket and is appalled to discover that the traffic warden in question is from the Greater Manchester area.
The Australian Open final between Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal goes into a second day after the first rally of the match takes 28 hours to finish. Andy Murray is so blown away by the match that he tells reporters 'it was a tough match'.
Nicolas Anelka is cleared of making a Nazi gesture and goes on loan to Lazio.
Vincent Tan becomes Cardiff City's new manager. The team come out for his first game in charge with a collar and tie on under their shirts, cripplingly high waistbands on their shorts, and moustaches on their top-lips that even Adolf Hitler would've smirked at.
Meanwhile Malky Mackay becomes manager at West Brom and - to no one's surprise - they do pretty well for the rest of the season .
The transfer window closes after several eye-popping purchases:
Arsene Wenger finally gets his hands on some back-up for Olivier Giroud. Unfortunately it's a former Chelsea forward - any one of them - and so Bendtner goes back to second in the pecking order;
Tottenham narrowly fail to sign four top European players - all of them go to Chelsea at the last minute.
Marouane Fellaini's return from injury underlines the absence of a decent midfield player at Manchester United. But as he's tall, clumsy and doesn't possess a secure first touch, Mark Hughes is straight in there to get him on loan at Stoke.
Moyes spends the entire transfer window standing outside the homes of Everton players, knocking on their doors and then asking them if they'd like to come and play at his house.
Half-decent Premier League players wake up on transfer deadline day to find trails of coins leading out from their front doors. At the end of them is Tony Fernandes. Inevitably, Crouchy and Bent scurry over for a piece of the action with 'Arry.
At Stamford Bridge, Chelsea play Newcastle and there is a nasty coming together between David Luiz and Fabricio Coloccini. Top stylist Nicky Clarke is called in to separate them, hair by hair.
Roy Hodgson's squad for the next friendly has more late withdrawals than a Catholic family planning session. Hodgson uses it as a chance to blood some twelve-year-olds who were doing keepy-uppies on Wembley Way.
The League Cup final is an all-Manchester affair so who gives a shit who won it. Probably Citeh. 3-1. Goals by those famous Mancunians Negredo, Aguero and Fernandinho.
United compensate themselves with a 1-0 against Liverpool. Phil Jones scores the winner and Brendan Rogers accuses him of being born suspiciously close to the Greater Manchester area.
DJ Campbell denies putting money on how long his sentence might be.
Sebastian Vettel agrees to drive for Austin Allegro in this year's Formula 1 Grand Prix season. He wins the first three races despite having his old Mum in the back seat telling him to slow down.
In spite of everything the world might say, Bernie Ecclestone adds Damascus, Pyongyang and South Sudan to the F1 roster.
Graeme Swann decides to name names in regard to those people in cricket who are 'up themselves'. The press conference lasts seven hours and all he does is read out a list.
In the Champions League, Manchester City beat Barcelona and Chelsea overcome the shock of the terrifying legend on a banner in the crowd - until Frank Lampard reminded his team-mates that (a) 'Welcome to Hull' was a spelling mistake, and (b) it wasn't like they were Fulham.
The Premier League is won by Manchester City, with Chelsea second, Arsenal third and, horribly enough United fourth. Everton and Liverpool draw lots to see who will play in the Europa League. Liverpool lose and so Everton get to stay at home.
Falling out of the Premier League are poor old West Ham whose central defence is so riddled with injury that Big Sam makes a fleeting appearance, not so much as a centre back but a roundabout round which the opposition has to play.
Joining the Irons are Fulham and Cardiff. Vincent Tan writes himself a terse email and two days later finds himself sacked.
The FA Cup is won out of nowhere by Middlesbrough. No one can believe it. I celebrate like an 18 year old on his first night in Amsterdam and don't write a blog for six weeks. (Yes I know that is quite often the gap between them these days so just shush now).
The Champions League is retain by Bayern Munich after a thrilling final against Man City. People praise Pellegrini to the skies. Not because he's a genius or owt, just cos he's managed to stop Mourinho from picking up even the smallest trinket and for that we should be very grateful.
Brazil prepares to welcome the World Cup tournament. Tickets are reduced for those supporters who are willing to hammer in a few nails to keep the stands up.
England draw against Italy in sweltering conditions. They would have won only Frank Lampard's terrific 25-yarder was only three yards over the line so it was difficult to be certain it was a goal. Ashley Young gets into trouble in the Arena Amazonia when he appears to go down like he's been shot. It is later proved that he was shot, by a blow-dart from an England fan outraged that such a cheating little git could make the England squad. Several black players complain about racist monkey chants coming from the stands but it turns out those chants were made by actual monkeys. FIFA investigate to see whether these monkeys are actually racist.
On to the Uruguay game and England draw 0-0 despite Luis Suarez getting a red card for a diving bite at Phil Jagielka.
The decider against Costa Rica is nip and tuck but Bryans Oviedo and Ruiz (the only Costa Ricans this commentator has heard of) combine to create a winning goal and England are out. The nation breathes a sigh of relief.
The BBC's special feature 'Rio in Rio' is a bit of a disaster but Ferdinand successfully predicts a Brazilian victory on home soil. They win the final 3-1 against Argentina after Lionel Messi receives his first ever red card for failing to get a decent haircut.
Happy New Year! May it see fewer bosses axed, more bankers taxed, and a the continuing revival of the slumbering giant that is Middlesbrough FC.
Enjoy 2014, all of you!! (Except you. You know who you are.)