Tuesday, 31 December 2013

2014 - Robbo's Crystal Ball

Okay lady and gentlemen. Cover your eyes if I've predicted good things for your teams this year - or you can always resort to a Greg Dyke throat-slitting gesture if you wish. Here's what I see happening at least up until the World Cup - and let's face it, after that the rest of the year can go hang.

England's valiant cricketers return home and parade through the streets of London in an open-top bus. Australians watch from top-floor windows and piss all over them for the sixth time this winter.

On a visit to Manchester, Brendan Rogers gets a parking ticket and is appalled to discover that the traffic warden in question is from the Greater Manchester area.

The Australian Open final between Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal goes into a second day after the first rally of the match takes 28 hours to finish. Andy Murray is so blown away by the match that he tells reporters 'it was a tough match'.

Nicolas Anelka is cleared of making a Nazi gesture and goes on loan to Lazio. 

Vincent Tan becomes Cardiff City's new manager. The team come out for his first game in charge with a collar and tie on under their shirts, cripplingly high waistbands on their shorts, and moustaches on their top-lips that even Adolf Hitler would've smirked at.

Meanwhile Malky Mackay becomes manager at West Brom and - to no one's surprise - they do pretty well for the rest of the season .

The transfer window closes after several eye-popping purchases:

Arsene Wenger finally gets his hands on some back-up for Olivier Giroud. Unfortunately it's a former Chelsea forward - any one of them - and so Bendtner goes back to second in the pecking order;

Tottenham narrowly fail to sign four top European players - all of them go to Chelsea at the last minute.

Marouane Fellaini's return from injury underlines the absence of a decent midfield player at Manchester United. But as he's tall, clumsy and doesn't possess a secure first touch, Mark Hughes is straight in there to get him on loan at Stoke.

Moyes spends the entire transfer window standing outside the homes of Everton players, knocking on their doors and then asking them if they'd like to come and play at his house.

Half-decent Premier League players wake up on transfer deadline day to find trails of coins leading out from their front doors. At the end of them is Tony Fernandes. Inevitably, Crouchy and Bent scurry over for a piece of the action with 'Arry.

At Stamford Bridge, Chelsea play Newcastle and there is a nasty coming together between David Luiz and Fabricio Coloccini. Top stylist Nicky Clarke is called in to separate them, hair by hair.

Roy Hodgson's squad for the next friendly has more late withdrawals than a Catholic family planning session. Hodgson uses it as a chance to blood some twelve-year-olds who were doing keepy-uppies on Wembley Way.

The League Cup final is an all-Manchester affair so who gives a shit who won it. Probably Citeh. 3-1. Goals by those famous Mancunians Negredo, Aguero and Fernandinho.

United compensate themselves with a 1-0 against Liverpool. Phil Jones scores the winner and Brendan Rogers accuses him of being born suspiciously close to the Greater Manchester area.

DJ Campbell denies putting money on how long his sentence might be.

Sebastian Vettel agrees to drive for Austin Allegro in this year's Formula 1 Grand Prix season. He wins the first three races despite having his old Mum in the back seat telling him to slow down.

In spite of everything the world might say, Bernie Ecclestone adds Damascus, Pyongyang and South Sudan to the F1 roster.

Graeme Swann decides to name names in regard to those people in cricket who are 'up themselves'. The press conference lasts seven hours and all he does is read out a list.

In the Champions League, Manchester City beat Barcelona and Chelsea overcome the shock of the terrifying legend on a banner in the crowd - until Frank Lampard reminded his team-mates that (a) 'Welcome to Hull' was a spelling mistake, and (b) it wasn't like they were Fulham.

The Premier League is won by Manchester City, with Chelsea second, Arsenal third and, horribly enough United fourth. Everton and Liverpool draw lots to see who will play in the Europa League. Liverpool lose and so Everton get to stay at home.

Falling out of the Premier League are poor old West Ham whose central defence is so riddled with injury that Big Sam makes a fleeting appearance, not so much as a centre back but a roundabout round which the opposition has to play.

Joining the Irons are Fulham and Cardiff. Vincent Tan writes himself a terse email and two days later finds himself sacked.

The FA Cup is won out of nowhere by Middlesbrough. No one can believe it. I celebrate like an 18 year old on his first night in Amsterdam and don't write a blog for six weeks. (Yes I know that is quite often the gap between them these days so just shush now).

The Champions League is retain by Bayern Munich after a thrilling final against Man City. People praise Pellegrini to the skies. Not because he's a genius or owt, just cos he's managed to stop Mourinho from picking up even the smallest trinket and for that we should be very grateful.

Brazil prepares to welcome the World Cup tournament. Tickets are reduced for those supporters who are willing to hammer in a few nails to keep the stands up.

England draw against Italy in sweltering conditions. They would have won only Frank Lampard's terrific 25-yarder was only three yards over the line so it was difficult to be certain it was a goal. Ashley Young gets into trouble in the Arena Amazonia when he appears to go down like he's been shot. It is later proved that he was shot, by a blow-dart from an England fan outraged that such a cheating little git could make the England squad. Several black players complain about racist monkey chants coming from the stands but it turns out those chants were made by actual monkeys. FIFA investigate to see whether these monkeys are actually racist.

On to the Uruguay game and England draw 0-0 despite Luis Suarez getting a red card for a diving bite at Phil Jagielka.

The decider against Costa Rica is nip and tuck but Bryans Oviedo and Ruiz (the only Costa Ricans this commentator has heard of) combine to create a winning goal and England are out. The nation breathes a sigh of relief.

The BBC's special feature 'Rio in Rio' is a bit of a disaster but Ferdinand successfully predicts a Brazilian victory on home soil. They win the final 3-1 against Argentina after Lionel Messi receives his first ever red card for failing to get a decent haircut.

Happy New Year! May it see fewer bosses axed, more bankers taxed, and a the continuing revival of the slumbering giant that is Middlesbrough FC.

Enjoy 2014, all of you!! (Except you. You know who you are.)









53 comments:

  1. Happy new year to you too Robbo!

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  2. Highly chucklesome. Happy New Year Robbo and all.

    A series of monumental coincidences are coming together for Sam to bring his largearse back to Bolton. keep your fingers crossed for the New Year.

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  3. Funny stuff, Robbo. (Note to self: don't drink while reading Robbo Robson blog. Only orange juice this time, but if it had been booze? The horror, the horror...) On Vincent Tan: As a Yank, I can report that he looks a lot like 'Pat' Morita when he portrayed Arnold, the original diner owner in Happy Days. Or when he was a Japanese Admiral in Midway. Take your pick. Happy New Year, all!

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    1. Ehhhhhh! It was a 'drive-in', not a diner. Matsuo 'Arnold' Takahashi, Morita's character, was the owner of "Arnold's Drive-In".

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    2. Ah, it was a drive-in. Mea culpa. Haven't seen the show since it was first broadcast. But one thing I do remember: "Aaaaayyyyyy!" is the right way to write "Aaaaayyyyyy!" "Ehhhh!"- I had the hardest time figuring out what you meant with that. It just looks like you're hard of hearing. :)

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    3. Ehhhh! was supposed to read as a 'disappointed you forgot after all these years' version of Aaaayyyyy! Mea culpa also, I had the t-shirt.

      Just trying to get those waitresses on roller skates the respect they deserve. :-)

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    4. I can dig it - couldn't bring myself to watch an episode, so I just watched Weezer's "Buddy Holly" video on YouTube. "Coming to you live from Arnold's Drive-In and Chicken Shack..."

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  4. Well said, Robbo, and Happy New Year, everyone. Hopefully the Catholics' late withdrawals won't lead to too many red cards in Brazil.

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  5. The best this year robbo. Laughing aloud in a family get together.

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  6. Robbo you are killing us in Nguutani, Kenya. Do it again next year.

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  7. Happy New Year Robbo! Here's to more great Robbo blogs in 2014.

    Spider

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  8. Gawd bless the lot of yer. V happy to find I'm getting laughs in Kenya!

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  9. Gawd bless the lot of yer. V happy to find I'm getting laughs in Kenya!

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  10. It's already 2014 somewhere...happy new year Robbo and all your disciples from Nairobi, Kenya.

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  11. Nice one RR.

    Thanks for keeping us entertained throughout the year. To you and all the blogites;

    Here’s hoping the new year brings you everything you desire. Happiness, prosperiety and most importantly good health to you and yours.

    Cheers all.

    H2H

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  12. Happy New Year to Robbo and his motley crew of readers.

    Just out of interest, does Charlie Adam injure any players from teams that you support, or is it just Spurs players? Paulinho out for a month after sustaining ligament damage in a tackle with Adam that he wasn't even booked for. He should be de-registered as a player.

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  13. Thanks Robbo for the past year - and please keep it under 6 weeks in 2014 as my refresh button is getting worn. Cheers from Hungary!!

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  14. I think in an alcoholic.does that mean I'm not?

    HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOUA ALL AND THANKS ROBBO FOR THE CONTINUED LAUGHS RACIST MONKEYS LMFAO!

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  15. Holy shit trots how much debt are the Horwich franchisers in? Eddie Davies is a very rich/loyal stoopid man

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    1. yeah, Old Eddie doesn't mind splashing the cash but I can think of at least 40 million they should never have spent in the last decade. Mandy for 10? The article got me thinking though, more about does Gartside really have a clue than anything else. I know the popular view is that he's a good egg and all but he's clearly not done so well at running Bolton.

      Only a few more weeks before the masterplan to get Sam back falls into place. Ngog, of all people, fucked things up a bit with a late equaliser against Boro. Kevin Nolan did his part for the cause.

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  16. Happy New Year to you all.

    Everything was going so well yesterday until the last 5 minutes,when all 3 of the teams in my household conceded last minute goals.

    Still,could be worse.We could have lost at home again with Howard Webb not giving a penalty that was pretty obvious,....

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    1. If Spurs get 100 more decisions like that at Old Toilet, then we'll be just about even after the Pedro Mendes goal that wasn't.

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  17. HNY jacks! Yes turns out he wasn't'Manchester united's' Howard Webb as we all liked to joke but in fact SAF's Howard Webb. That's three games he's refd for united and they've list all three although to be fair who its going to give those cheating little herberts young and Januzaj the benefit of any doubt.

    With moyes blaming the ref instead of his own average players and old Trafford starting to look like the cliffs of Acapulco (Welbeck also managed an Iggy pop doing a stage dive and getting droppedby the crowd moment) its staring to look distinctly desperate at OT.

    Let's hope the glazers business plan is predicated on top4 finishes and they sell up to Vincent Tan at the end of the season.

    Incidentally is Vincent tan SAF in disguise? Have they ever been seen in the same room together?

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    1. Vincent Tan was created in the same lab as Roman Abramovich,only he turned out to be the Danny DeVito left over bits.

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    2. On the Tan/SAF theory: And he's changed the Cardiff home kit to red... I feel like we're in Dan Brown territory here. If only we could crack the code!

      Meantime, here's a great "news" article (co-written by Ian Ladyman, so it's GOT to be true) about bizarre goings-on down Cardiff way:

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2527310/Cardiff-City-boss-Malky-Mackay-dancers-dressed-dragons-games-demands-play-red-Anfield-vicious-emails.html

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  18. Cardiff should forget about Solsksjaer and try to get Phil Brown.

    Vincent Tan and Fake Tan would make quiet the pair.

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  19. Having given it careful consideration,I suspect Vincent Tan is in fact the mad Uncle of Kim Jong-un.

    Death or Cardiff.

    Not much of a choice really.

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  20. Blogidy.

    http://www.wsc.co.uk/wsc-daily/1169-december-2013/10984-port-vale-3-1-preston-division-three-play-offs-1989

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    1. that's the best match summary video I've seen all year!

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  21. Torquay United have sacked their manager Alan Knill.

    They are set to announce his Spanish brother Juan as his replacement.

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  22. Happy New YEar to y'all and thanks Robbo for the laughs. You just need a bit of blooger's all bran to keep you a bit more regular.
    Jamie Carragher fails to spot a connection:
    "If I knew Liverpool would be in the title race I wouldn't have retired".
    Jose Mourinho (or the BBC writer) fails to understand the rules of football:
    "Eto'o foul not a penalty"
    Rastafairy

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  23. Crap... now how will I argue that Mata should be starting? Because bringing him off once for a win obviously proves Mourinho is right. The big question is whether he ends up shoring up Man Utd's midfield or Chelsea's. Probably guts out the end of the season from the bench to see what he can win, then leaving. Can't see him as an impact sub.

    Off to Honolulu for a few days for work. Shame.

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  24. My wife had kicked me out after she unexpectedly burst in when I was enjoying a threesome with two women - one dressed as a wasp and one dressed as a hornet. 

    Now I'm out onto the street with all my bee-longings.

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    1. It can sting blog, did she tell you to buzz off? just tell her….. hive been wrong honey.

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  25. Ha Ha, Manure lose again, it's almost not funny anymore............

    Wait.......

    Yes it bloody well is.

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  26. I dunno H he's an honest bloke good enough at his job, no genius but he's been left a pretty shiite team over reliant on their two injury/sulk prone strikers and a club which owes best part of half a billion (or nearly as much as Bolton).

    I feel sorry for him.

    A opposed to those useless posh cunts who pass as a national cricket team.spineless bastards - calm dishonourable vile submission
    I've been trying not to mention them. I've been a great fan of cricket - beautiful game to play - but I'm done with it now as a spectator sport.

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    1. I've enjoyed every second of this Ashes series, bloggy. Getting both the Aussie perspective and the English one via the BBC. Amazed at a comment by the BBC journalist yesterday 'I can't believe Steve Smith is part of a 5-0 winning team'. Well it's that kind of arrogance, ignorance and disrespect that has got England into the state that it's in (same applies to the football team). Steve Smith scored more runs than any English player, scored 2 centuries (twice as many as any English player), and had more energy in the field than the whole English team combined. Yet he's shit, apparently.

      Be interesting to see if the team take the clean slate and start again approach, or the FA approach and say that nothing is wrong. The signs have been there since before the 3-0 summer Ashes win (which without the weather would have been 3-2, and arguably 3-2 to the Aussies).

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  27. Port vale on TV and all's well, except the goalkeeper.

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  28. Regarding Un**Ed,I have a lot of sympathy for Moyes as he has been left a duff hand.Old back 4,no decent midfielder and 2 decent miserable/precious strikers.

    What will be interesting is the reaction of the fans.They've had as much wealth as Croesus when it comes to success over the last 20 years.I wonder how they'll cope now their team is likely to be the same as the rest of us?

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    1. I imagine a lot of them will suddenly start wearing a pale blue shirt, saying how they grew up on the terraces at Maine Road when they were in the old 2nd Division and.... wait, is that a prawn sandwich?

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  29. There's good news for man U though Blog, their debt is decreasing and revenues increasing. Bolton have the exact inverse of that, result: misery! However, Sam the Saviour has been given the backing of the WHU ownership so it's only a matter of time!

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    1. Bolton need to take Aspas on loan.

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    2. we can't afford any more Liverpool failures.

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    3. Sir, take that back. Are you calling Ngog and Spearing failures ? Teehee, well atleast you're better off than West Ham, who for reasons known best to them, took Downing, Joe Cole and Andy Carroll.

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    4. I'll take that back when you take Ngog back.

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  30. Replies
    1. http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/11095/9104784/arsenal-forward-theo-walcott-faces-six-months-out

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  31. Excellent prose Robbo and thanks for the giggles in 2013. Long may you reign in 2014. Come on you Wolves!

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