Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Christmas Time, Misery and Whine

Christmas is here and it's time for Robbo to dig out his white fluffy beard and become all grandfatherly, but not in the manner of someone who presented children's television programmes on the BBC in the 1980s.

Yuletide is a crap time of year I reckon. I spent today in a Sainsburys the size of Marbella pushing past bedazzled fuckwits as they paused over exotic butternut squashes as if they were in some sort of summer fete guess-the-vegetable contest. Husbands were shrugging at relentless wives as they burrowed through squadrons of unfettered brats all throwing unwanted confectionary into their parents' trolley and then booing their little bastard eyes out if so much of a grain of sugar found its way back onto the shelves.

I seriously heard one man say to his missus: "I honestly don't care just please don't make let me be in here any longer."

But now tis over. The requisite booze has been acquired. The brandy butter sits oozily in the fridge. And I am full of Christmas cheer.

So, ignoring the gift of Man City having someone called Jesus scoring at Christmas time (it wasn't that long ago it was Roque Santa Claus) here's some apt pressies for the folks we love to hate.

To Luis Suarez - well I would give him the freedom of Norwich but clearly he's already got that, so I'll give him a 5000 piece jigsaw. It might just be the only thing he can't finish this season.

To David Moyes - a little torch so he can see something while he's there in Fergie's shadow.

To Malky Mackay - he needs to expunge the name Tan from his mind for a few days so I've bought him a box of gerines, a book on tric sex and a fish k.

To Daniel Levy - a new manager who can help Spurs make that step up into the top four permanently. Given his track record, Jesus Christ might be the best bet, but failing that, Glenn Hoddle as he's closer to Jesus than many. Except it turns out it's Tim Sherwood - who should surely be the gaffer at Nottingham Forest.

To Graeme Swann - the film Titanic, featuring that memorable line 'women and children and hacked-off off-spinners first!'

To The Rest Of the England cricket team - a pair of very interesting shoes each cos that's what they'll be looking at for the next three months.

To Sebastian Vettel - a grab bag of Quavers so he has summat to eat while he's strolling to victory in them grand prix.

To Ashley Young - I think I must have given him snorkel and flippers last year so maybe he can give 'em to young Janazaj now he doesn't get much chance to use 'em anymore.

To Mark Lawrenson - a P-45 and my best wishes for a long and happy retirement, although to be fair he's been enjoying that on various television sofas for years.

To Jack Wilshere - a copy of the Mona Lisa. The eyes follow you around the room, much like television cameras you great twot.

To Arsene Wenger - one of them super-powerful wrenches you get at Kwikfit so he can stop the wheels coming off over Christmas.

To Rangers - some opposition would be nice.

To Celtic - some opposition would be nice.

To John McCririck - a small cottage in a deep dark wood somewhere in Olde England where he can chunter away to himself like the idiot bumpkin he is.

To Andy Murray - a musical stave that shows just how many notes are available to the human voice. And another grand slam, naturally.

To Heather Mills - a diving board so she can go off the deep end whenever she fancies it. Still it's good to see her putting her foot down even if it is one that the IPC don't approve of.

To Essex nightclub doormen - a chamber-pot hat, just in case Monty Panesar fancies a night out round their way.

To Roy Hodgson - all the luck in the world, mate. And 26 changes of shirt for the game in Manaus.

To Peter Crouch - a pair of boxing gloves so that the lad can keep punching above his weight with that Abbey Clancy. That lass doesn't so much dance as flow, bless 'er. Mind you, Sophie Ellis-Bextor's bloke - the one that looked like a surprised woodland piglet - is so far out of her league he's Chorley to her Chelsea.

To Tiger Woods - slalom lessons from his girlfriend Michelle Vonn. That way he might be able to avoid garbage bins when he comes out of his driveway.

To Oscar Pistorius - an amazing pair of briefs, he's going to need them.

To The Welsh Rugby Union - shares in French holiday homes, as that's where all your countrymen will be for the foreseeable future.

To Jamaican Athletics - a drugs mule to carry all the prohibited substances OUT of the country. I know you're quick boys and girls but that doesn't mean you can run forever. Allegedly.

To the organisers in Sochi - a great big slobbery same-sex kiss to each and every one of you, and a set of floodlights to bring you out from the Dark Ages.

To Marion Bartoli - a book on personal beauty by that picture of asymmetric beauty John 'Call Me Casanova' Inverdale. All right ladies, calm down. I know how much you hate us lads having a pop at John. He just oozes sex appeal, that man, like a chip oozes oil.

And to Kevin Pietersen - a forward defensive prod. Very useful when you're 400 behind. A wonderful batsman and an absolute twerp.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!!!

And up the Boro!!!












33 comments:

  1. Good stuff Robbo. Merry Christmas and thanks for your incredible service to humanity (and literature). A Nobel prize should be in your future (besides the nailed on OBE).

    The football aspect of your Christmas should indeed be Merry as you'll encounter one of the greatest of gift-givers in BWFC!

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  2. Appy Kressmus as they say in stoke and happy birthday Santa!

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  3. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone. Keep up the Blogs, Robbo, you are obviously taking a leaf out of Luis' books by popping in a blog when everyone least expects it but still finding the back of the net everytime.

    Cheers,

    Spider

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  4. Happy Christmas one and all. And Robbo, thanks for the continued blogging. Good stuff.

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  5. What about Mike Gatting....another wonder ball back lash from Swanny. Is he still keeping watch over the little Urn?

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  6. I'm Robbowled over by Santa's gift list. No need to reindeer it in.

    Don't forget Mourinho, though. Give him the sense to play Mata and attack more. Failing that, give him to BHB and let his mind wander a bit.

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  7. Merry Xmas everyone. And Robbo thanks for the keeping it real. I seriously doubt any other blog on the interweb this month starts (or pretty close to starts) with the words "Yuletide is a crap time of year".

    Love, peace 2014 and all that jazz.

    Noel, I see Santa gave you what you wanted in Tim Sherwood.tee hee.

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    Replies
    1. Yep. At least he's playing the right formation with 2 strikers - but the shortage of defensive minded players in the team is causing the obvious problems. He's basically a Harry-lite, which is why I'm not too happy to see him given the job. At least it's only an 18 month contract, which is an obvious 'just to the end of the season till someone better comes along' contract, with a bit extra to mkae him take it.

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  8. Happy ancient "thank the Gods for not completely swallowing the sun for another year appropriated by [insert religion here] holiday," all! Great stuff as always, Robbo. The only way Everton lose today is if Tim Howard somehow gets a red card, giving Sunderland a pe- oh, fucking hell. Mind you, the way Malky's boys are playing, it seems their minds are off on a gent.

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  9. Bit late to the seasonal wishes so happy bocing day one and all.

    Its a national holiday in Germany, meaning no shops are open, so you get to spend more awkward moments with the rest of your beloved family.

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  10. Replies
    1. yeah but he had a legit goal disallowed. Now Brenda's gonna be in trouble for his comments about the ref which in itself is a bit fucked up. No way should a ref from Greater Manchester be officiating that match. The message seems to be don't question the ref's ability, eyesight or possible origin based allegiance even if his decisions screw your team out of the points or first place in the prem. If that had been the last game of the season with the league at stake we'd never hear the end of it.

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    2. Yes, but it was the linesman's decision which the ref was in no position to overrule (Forest v QPR where the linesman put his flag up but the ref allowed play to continue because [in his opinion] the Forest player the linesman thought had made contact with the ball had actually missed it completely - moral: play to the whistle). In general, Liverpool did not get the rub of the green and a draw would have been a fairer result but to blame it on the ref coming from "Greater Manchester" is simply ridiculous and Brenda just makes himself look a poor loser if not a total Pillock (see also Mark Hughes)

      Spider

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  11. Piers Morgan faces up to an over from Brett Lee earlier today. There are shorter versions available with sound so you can hear the crowd cheering every time he got hit. My favourite was the second ball.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZi7_Jk2w50

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    1. Sadly,Brett was a touch too kind there Noel.The bouncers were deliberately too short.Should have hit the tosser right in his rib cage.

      Loved the leg stump yorker though.

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    2. Yep - he admitted to only bowling at 80%, but Piers had no intention of standing up to him, just trying to get out of the way. At least Brett followed him with his bowling.

      Unfortunately, the outcome of this is that now the Aussie commentators think that Piers is a good chap for having the balls to front up in the first place. Not the wanker that he is.

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  12. Prince Harry received a warning from the referee for a wild challenge in a charity football match at the Queen's Sandringham estate, while also committing a late tackle on brother William.

    This for you Blog, knowing your fascination with all things royal.

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  13. I'm Establishment now, Bo ... I'm staying over Christmas in a chuffing mansion with a view over Bury cathedral and the Abbey while the owners are away...long story.

    Back home/pub/gutter/republicanism tomorrow but for now God save the fucking Queen and the chinless/ginger wonders!

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    1. So, in HM's New Year's Honours List, is it arise Lord Blogdignag of Burslem Port Vale? I must admit it does have a certain ring to it. Er sorry for raising the subject but do the owners actually KNOW you're in their mansion or, in a bid to carry out some serious wealth redistribution, did you gain access but set off the alarm thereby locking yourself in and are awaiting a visit from HM Constabulary to let you out?!

      Spider

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    2. Friends of my wife, spider. Finer things of life probably wasted on me though I did enjoy watching the sun rise over the Abbey ruins sitting in a Georgian high bay window, listening to Beethovens pastoral symphony, sipping Carlsberg special from a fluted champagne glass and tucking into a pie.

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    3. Glad that's cleared up Blogdy and Happy New Year to you & Lady Blogdy. What was that advert again, "If Carlsberg did sunrises...." ?

      Spider

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  14. The main outcome of England being pretty shit at cricket these days is that the test matches aren't reaching the 5th day. So my plans for my student holiday of sitting on my arse, drinking beer and watching cricket are getting short changed. I've had no excuses for not going to the Boxing Day sales with the missus.

    And on top of that, I've had two pretty shite gameweeks in the FFL. Injuries mounting up. We need a Winter Break.

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    1. Injuries completely fucked me up. Have been playing 3 weeks in a row with 9-10 players. Doesn't help with idiotic managers keeping my fit players benched. Out of the knockout cup in week 2. Well, the team can focus on the real leagues now.

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    2. through to the last 800,000 in the cup, can feel it's my year!

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  15. Hello all.

    Hope you had a cool yule.

    Me, I buggered off to the sun for 11 days and spent chrimbo sitting on the beach sipping cocktails, good stuff.

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  16. Becks, Andy Murray I share your pain as I didn't get a knighthood either despite all my work for the alcohol Industry over three holiday period.

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  17. I wonder if H has had to deal with anything similar in The Waggon Wheel?

    http://metro.co.uk/2013/12/31/andrew-frey-oregon-man-high-on-meth-fights-15-police-officers-while-masturbating-in-bar-4245713/

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  18. Heh Jacks.

    we get our fair share of wankers over here, but nothing as bad as that luckily.

    New blog up.

    H.

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  19. Breaking news : Cardiff set to make club record bid for Ngogogo

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