Monday, 8 September 2014

England's Swiss Rollover

Well that's my Basel Faulty headline ruined. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It's like finding fifty quid in your old coat,

England have won a game, thereby enabling Roy Hodgson to have a better win record with England than he did with Switzerland. And what's more, they deserved it.

The Swiss, bar some shifty Shaqiri shimmies and the odd thundering challenge from their midfield bullock Behrami, offered very little, and England, on occasion, offered a great deal, mianly through the scary speedsters Sterling and Welbeck. In the latter's case it's hard to know what might happen when he gets it, but two goals suggests he's halfway there.

But hey, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here. It's San Marino next. In the meantime, here's the scores for our heroes. (A polite ripple of applause).

JOE HART - 8 - Look, even if he drops every cross there's no one else to replace him. A couple of smart stops and does he look dashing with his hair relaxed?

JOHN STONES - 7 - Solid defensively after a horrible nutmeg early doors. Nowt going forward but then (a) He's a centre-back and (b) it's a bloody relief it's that way round after years of Glen Johnson.

GARY CAHILL - 7 - Brilliant clearance off the line after the linesman let Drmic - the walking eczema cream - go in on goal. Other than that, a solid enough effort. Never tremendous with the ball at his feet.

PHIL JONES - 6 - The usual mixture of buccaneering derring-do and bird-brained folly. Could have been sent off, might have scored, strained his thigh. He's not David Luiz, but he doesn't inspire much more confidence.

LEIGHTON BAINES - 7 - Looked like he might have got his mojo back. Neat, decent performance and not so exposed defensively.

JACK WILSHERE - 5 - I'm beginning to lose faith in Jack. Not available enough, too prone to giving silly passes. Unless everyone's playing tippy-tappy he looks lost. He'd be great ina five-a-side, but the lad doesn't seem to use his noddle, bless him.

JORDAN HENDERSON - 6 - Forgot he was there for the first half-hour. Had a strong second half, though, and he does work his arse off. In the absence of anyone else he'll do.

FABIAN DELPH - 7 - Early booking aside, he did really well. A top pick from Woy. Plenty of endeavour, a good turn of pace, and should of have a stonewall pen when Djourou drove into him like he was the Snappy Snaps to George Michael's SUV.

WAYNE ROONEY - 7 - Solid Wazza turn. Linked well with the younger faster lads and it looked like he wasn't trying too bloody hard for a change.

RAHEEM STERLING - 8 - a bit high I know, but he's 19, Ferrari-fast, Tyson-tough, and sometimes he cocks it up. So what? He's the best chance we have for a bit of forward thrust so I'll give him ten every time if he keeps leaving skidmarks on the defenders match-eve pyjamas.

DANNY WELBECK - 8 - Was going to give him 7 then he did that winning smile at the end. Bless. Two goals, pace galore, and the merest hint that a quality marksman lurks within those capricious boots. Then again, he's at Arsenal now. Walk it in, Danny, that's how they do things at the Emirates.

As for Roy Hodgson, well, Delph and Stones did him proud, the team looked far more solid defensively although when Switzerland did ping together a few rapid passes the heart of the defence looked open. Jones is a worry, but he's not exactly spoilt for choice is Roy. It was James Milner's 50th cap - that's how many options the poor bloke's got.

Wilshere isn't the holding midfielder - I'd like Carrick back in there if he's fit and willing. And Stones did fine but Clyne is the best English right-back around. That's bloody obvious, isn't it? Still onwards and upwards. The group's in the bag, France Allons-Nous. Keep playing like that and you never know we might just...

Oh shut me up, ffs!!!

It's just nice to have a little something to be pleased about.

(If we can just keep hold of Scotland I'd be dead chuffed. I wouldn't blame you, my Highland friends, it's just, well don't just leave us with Cameron. He's got to be one of yours with a name like that.)

111 comments:

  1. Good stuff Robbo, Euros are in the bag, unless, well, unless it gets hot. I think I prefer voovoozoola or whatever the fuck they're called, to cow bells.

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  2. Vulvazelas, Trotts. Nice one, RR - as someone (perhaps Howard Jones?) said on the last blog, things can only get better. Let's not burden these lads with the lofty expectations of the generation-that-must-not-be-named and see what happens. Not much danger of high expectations from us here on your comments, mind...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's it, voodoovulvas, what an ear piercing case of acoustic pollution.

      Delete
  3. Thanks for the great post at a time where those of us across the pond can respond first, second, and third.

    Looking forward to the 98-team Euros. Playing like that, you ought to qualify. Might even win some matches while you're there. Wouldn't want to speculate beyond that, but this one looked like a good, okay, reasonable (let's not get carried away) start.

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  4. Oooh... let's see that one again. Coaches challenging plays to be reviewed using video evidence. Thanks, Sepp!

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29109481

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I must confess, my initial reaction was, "Great! Let's take something from American sport that sucks the life out of games, and adopt it in ours!"

      Why do I get the feeling that some corporation has made a large deposit to Blatter's (Swiss, of course) bank account, all so that we can see a Premier League match held up by a "Budweiser(tm) Manager's Challenge. When you want to meet the challenge of refreshment*, make it a Budweiser(r)!"

      *Namely, because it's a challenge to experience refreshment from that St. Louis urine...

      Delete
  5. Mostly agree Robbo. A little harsh on Wilshire and a little easy on Jones. Rooney gets 7 for running around like a blue arsed fly accomplishing little more than sweet FA. Other than than that it's all good.

    Scott, that unnamed generation should be named and fucking shamed. They were paid under false pretenses and did less for their money than a stripper in a blind school.


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  6. I have not been able to enjoy Un**ed's bad start this season because Arsenal's start has not been much better. Still manage a smile when I see a draw against a shit team but when you are just managing draws against shit teams yourself, it's not quite so humerous.

    I think vG's 3-5-2 needs Vlaar and the Balding Tripadore to work, can make do without the balding one but Vlaar is vital. Until they talk Vlaar into leaving Villa, Un**ed are going to struggle.

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  7. Apparently, at 1-1, Strachan thought the Scots would win. What is he, Albanian?

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29104964
    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29105114

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  8. Great Blog, Robbo (as always). Great to see the meeja eating humble pie and putting the "Woy must go" bandwaggon sharply into reverse (until England only score 4 against San Marino....). When is Woy going to abandon picking Premier League bench-warmers and cast his net wider looking for talented players who are actually playing football week after week insteady of coming on for the last 10 minutes of an already won game because some foreign mercenary wants to get in the bath first?

    Spider

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    Replies
    1. Why would a "foreign mercenary" play the first 80 minutes unless he's better?

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  9. A win against the Swiss proves nothing! Defensively England are fucked and there are no better options. Against the likes of Germany, Spain, France, Italy or Netherlands, they might score a goal or two but expect the opposition to at least get 3 or 4. Unless......... JT get's a recall. Solid, tough, leader!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, that would really put the fear of God into opposing forwards - they'd be shit-scared of loosing him in case it meant he'd sloped off to shag their missus!

      Spider

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    2. At 33 he's got at least another couple of years left in those legs.
      He's consistent and dependable! What more can ya ask u? He's better than smalling, cahill, jagielka,jones.

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    3. Yeah, 'cause England always looked impregnable when he played too.

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    4. yeah, let's bring Jack Charlton back too.

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    5. Sound argument tho! Ya need leaders in the team

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    6. yeah, David Koresh should be centre half for the USA

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  10. Top stuff as ever Robbo. Wondering if Ottmar Hitzfeld got his team to over-achieve (not for the first time) holding Argentina for almost 120 minutes, until Di Maria scored the winner (and look how his career has nosedived since!).

    You'd have to say that, if Phil Jones is England's answer to David Luiz (minus the Sideshow Bob hair), someone is asking a f**king stupid question.

    Surprising and pleasing win, but it doesn't mean we'll set France aloight in 2016 (unless Jack Wilshere has a drink and a fag in a petrol station).


    Jedi

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    Replies
    1. I'm genuinely confused about Jones. Is he a centre back? Was that the role he had at Blackburn? I thought he was a central midfielder, but he seems to have played right back for MU more often than not.

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    2. That's because he's genuinely shit! Plus he looks like a neanderthal. He'd be best served as a extra for some sci-fi space film

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    3. Pissed myself at petrol station gag

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    4. AH, at Blackburn he played in the hole, problem is they have 10,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.

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  11. How the mighty have fallen. First switzerland. Then andorrah (sounds like a confused scouser). Then scotland. In the words of the noble philosopher 'yazz' the only way is up.

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  12. I've got £20 on Scottish independence at 11/4 not that I want then to go, but so I've got something to cheer me up when they do. It well be a disaster but with British politics as it us no one could blame them, even Russell brand had been telling us somethings badly wrong. I'm considering declaring UDI myself

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've got Scotland in a round robin with Wales and Ireland.

      Delete
  13. Man Utd didn't make it to Europe, but you can...

    Champions League (http://en.uclfantasy.uefa.com): 177137-577999
    Europa League (http://en.uelfantasy.uefa.com): 177137-589575

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  14. "European football club 'run by criminals', says ex-leagues chief"

    I'm sure this is a typo, or he was mistranslated. Surely he meant FIFA...

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  15. Back to proper football the weekend.......gotta sneaky suspicion Arse just might end up clinching this one, what with a young hungry danny leading the line. Gooners look a much more rounded team. Tho they should've replaced vermaelen. They just might end up 3rd this season, behind chelsea & city

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  16. And so it begins, back from the international break in time for CL football and Sturridge out for 3 weeks, Can for 6, Allen for a couple. Well, we were told the Suarez money was spread around just for situations like this to give us the depth we lacked last year. Games against Villa and Ludogorets will soon put that to the test. Mind, without any CL or injuries, we've been unable to beat Villa at Anfield since 2010.

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  17. "When you enjoy what you do, you don’t lose your hair, and Guardiola is bald. He doesn’t enjoy football."

    Jose Mourinho, back on form? It's not quite up to the "young players are like melons" quote, but it's the best I've heard from him in a while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eh? So where does that leave David Luiz? According to the special one's logic, he should be as bald as a coot - or perhaps he's into self-humiliation! Jose talking bolox as usual.

      Spider

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    2. We're only beginning to understand the debilitating disease now known as FNES (Football Non-Enjoyment Syndrome), Spider. Experts think that in Luiz's case, the syndrome presents itself in buckets of tears.

      If anyone would like to help in our campaign to rid the world of this arse-puckeringly awful disease, please send your donation, however large, to me. (With a nod to Stephen Fry)

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    3. Surely all donations should be sent to S. Blatter, Rue de Bacanda, Geneva, Switzerland?

      Spider

      Delete
  18. My money's on Pardew to be the first man out. Newcastle are absolutely horrendous.

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  19. Fine day to be playing Trotts (with Costa as his captain) in both leagues. Word is the board is lining up Pulis to replace me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd forgotten, teehee, now I'm disgusted that they took him off and denied him a quatrick.

      Delete
    2. When Balotelli scores, is that a twatrick?

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  20. Battling win for FC Romania vs AFC Sudbury in the fa cup today. If anyone else was the I was the mutter carrying the Vermeers painting of Delft (used top live there) which I drunkenly bought from the lovely old bird in the antique shop next to the kings head.

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    Replies
    1. 3-1 if you're interested. Proper football game, sending off, tribalism, handbags at 12 paces. All blood and thunder none of this effete tike take malarkey

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    2. Great way to stand out from the crowd. Carry an 18th century Dutch oil painting.

      Delete
  21. Which cricketer scored 39,000 career runs including 17 Test centuries for England… and won the FA cup with arsenal in 1950?

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    Replies
    1. Denis Crowther is the wrong sender, trots, but close.

      Delete
    2. Close? Brian? was he a Gooner too?

      Speaking of Gooners, where is Holloway2Holland2Mexico? Another bar owner gone missing?

      Delete
  22. Chelsea are going to have the title done by Christmas.

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  23. Brilliant rearguard action from Di Maria sees me tie both FFL matches with Trottsky. Well played, sir.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. not so fast bucko. I'll be getting two more points off the bench!

      Delete
    2. Bugger, that's what I get for using my phone to view the FFL site (the ffl app costs 2 bucks, which I won't spend). Then that's six losses on the trot(2 of them to The Trot) and time for Pulis to step in. However, the owner doesn't want to pay off my 8 year bumper contract, so all may not be lost.

      Delete
    3. if you're getting beaten by me, all is definitely lost!

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    4. As long as you don't get the trots, you'll be fine.

      Delete
  24. One Denis Compton, there's only one Denis Compton.

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    Replies
    1. There's only one Danny Welbeck too Bo!

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    2. I'm reserving judgement on that one Trott. He could prove to be a great signing or just another shit striker we manage to lumber ourselves with.

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  25. So well soon know if the Scots hate us enough to destroy their own economy to get away. I think they do LOL. I wouldn't wish it on the students and Scottish grannies who will suffer but I'm sort of fascinated to see if the concensual opinion of anybody who knows anything about economics turns out to be true. Salmond and Cameron are a right pair aren't they. If they were on fire and I had a glass of water, I'd glass them.

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    Replies
    1. Sod the water, throw petrol on them.

      Spider

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    2. ... so it's a 'petrol bucket challenge' then

      Delete
    3. There's one positive in this whole mess you have failed to mention Blog. f the Scots go iy#t alone, we wont have to put up with that fucking useless Scottish football news on the BBC site

      Delete
  26. Oooooooh......

    http://www.thefootballramble.com/latest/entry/jeremy-menez-getting-the-admin-out-of-the-way-early

    Not that Enner Valencia's goal was too shabby, either. Best view starts about 25 seconds in.

    http://vplayer.nbcsports.com/p/BxmELC/nbc_embedshare/select/DJiK_GflDwa6

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  27. If Champagne Supernono beats Blatter but goes bunga-bunga, will he be singing Forever Blowing Bubbles?

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29215559

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    Replies
    1. http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/29205467

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    2. Not unless he's on the West Ham board of Directors

      Delete
  28. Take you balls and go home?

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29231566

    (Seriously though, best wishes to him. Sad when you realize that you're of an age where feeling your balls is actually for your health, and not just "for your health.")

    ReplyDelete
  29. what's the word lads? They lookin' for brickie's on the Adrian's wall project yet?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's Spanish for'Fuck off Scotland'?

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    2. The Jocks have a right to pursue their self interests. If they think the English aren't going to do the same thing after the vote, they don't know the English. Frankly I'm amazed the union had lasted this long. Yes is the best bet for England. Especially if shetland stays, as is two mps say it might (=2/3 of Scotland share of the oil) LOL

      Delete
    3. I think I went there on holiday once. It's our near toremolinos?

      Delete
    4. Jódete Escocia. Mierda de Escocia would be "shit of Scotland" and it should be Escocia de mierda. But why would you want to fuck Scotland. Would it be 1 at a time - a massive train - or actually fucking the country as a whole?
      Rastafairy

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  30. Seriously, if shetland secedes for the same reasons Scotland secedes we well back them up (after all they will keep the £ and the EU, Scotland will have neither) then I may genuinely piss myself laughing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hold on, so Scotland splits from the UK and Shetland splits from Scotland and then joins us or Shetland never leaves us? What about Skye, will they stay with us as well? We have to get us sheep from somewhere. There's a lot to sort out overnight!

      Delete
  31. Shetland may reconsider its place in Scotland after yes vote, says Carmichael

    http://gu.com/p/4xk8m

    LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe they'll join Norway. The women are fitter

      Delete
    2. how are Norwegian beer and pies?

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    3. Hmmm... maybe England should pull a Russia and annex Shetland? They'll have to pony up some serious cash, though.

      Delete
    4. You've identified the major stumbling block to this historic deal, trots

      Delete
    5. all the detectives on tele say "follow the money" but we know differently!

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  32. Vale news.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/29253698

    First Mickey Adams goes,the Scotland...

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    Replies
    1. Vale fans have voted No and Adams will after all remain as port vale manager.

      Delete
  33. Platini, on why he will not return the expensive watch he received at the World Cup:

    "I'm a well-educated person. I don't return gifts."

    "We receive many watches, just like journalists - you receive many watches. Just like the associations receive watches. Yes, yes, you receive watches occasionally. Every now and again, you do receive watches.

    "But these are advertising watches and so forth. We all receive watches. I've received several."

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29285817

    A) I do not receive (m)any watches. I am in the wrong line of work.
    B) I am well-educated. I would return gifts if they reeked of corruption.
    C) I do not receive (m)any watches. I am in the wrong line of work. Perhaps I am not the right kind of well-educated.

    No need for Platini to challenge Blatter. Champange, anyone? Is Robbo eligible for FIFA president? Or better yet, Blogs, have you thought about throwing your hat in the ring?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blog was nominated years ago Stephen but on advice from his cat, he declined.

      Delete
  34. I love pronouns.

    "My son has known his daughter for some time but I had never spoken to him before yesterday,"
    --Paul Marshall, Tadcaster boss

    Okay, fine, out of context, but still... Guess one gets excited when a Champions League winner joins a ninth-tier club.
    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29276169

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    Replies
    1. The BBC seems to have removed an article which had the headline "Sampson wants ruthless women". Again, out of context. There is still an article headlined "Dicks finds womens' football refreshing". However, the article doesn't mention where he found it nor why it was refreshing. I guess it's a HIGNFY "missing words" contender.
      Rastafairy the English Teacher.

      Delete
  35. How ironic that the inaugural 'World Summit on Ethics In Sport' should be held at Fifa's headquarters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hopefully all attendees will bring a small offering.

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    2. It's what these bastards do to disguise the truth. Similarly Russia, China and Saudi have seats in the UN human rights council. Syria and Iran are running for election. Sounds like a bad joke don't it.

      Delete
  36. Personally I'd put Pro Evolution in charge of world football.

    Now there's a bad joke.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Somebody phone up Phil Oakey - time for a remix: "You were working as a waiter in a noodle bar..."

    (From the Beeb Football Gossip):"Striker Ade Yussuf quit his job as a waiter at a noodle bar to join League Two Dagenham and Redbridge on a one-year contract - but had to take a pay cut."

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  38. Dear lord, never mind the result, what a horrendous performance. Spend a $120 million and yet started with Borini & Lucas. On the plus side, we won't have the Europa league to worry about next season, but Man U will.

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    Replies
    1. why nevermind the result? That was the highlight. Scouse Phil sent me a one word text at the final whistle…."Bollocks" LMAO, Big Sam eh, he could manage barcelona next you know!

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  39. Manu and Liverpool looking like Ferraris with diesel engines

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  40. Funny job, managing a football team.Gary monk looks s decent chap don't he? Perhaps he works hard and lives like a....never mind. Mind you give him a few years in the job and hell be as deranged as the rest..... allerdyce or allerdycredit as i think of him..he did his 'we won because they fpllowed my plan' narcissistic twat routine, look next week for its counterpart 'I'm angry, we had a plan but the players didn't stick to it so we lost'.
    Pardew back to looking and sounding like an insurance salesman and not a wife beater.
    Bruce looks like his wife beats him with his own empty whiskey bottle.

    On a vaguely connected topic Id forgottenrn about this, this is for you bhb .....

    Jose Arrogantio.(paul whitehouse) compilation: http://youtu.be/EgQld_0vyEU

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    Replies
    1. are you sayin' Gary Monk could be a Saint but will turn into the devil? Was his missus a Nun from Conventry? He'll put a bid in for Pope in January.

      Delete
    2. You know them monks..start off with the highest of ideals and end up a bunch of degenerate piss-heads competing to make and imbibe the strongest alcoholic drinks known to man

      Delete
    3. Blogs, thr reason they brewed beer was because the water was so foul it was worse than a tackle from Gentile.

      Spider

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  41. After the Leicester result, my earlier post about Manu being a Ferrari with a diesel engine turns out to be an insult to diesel engines

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  42. Ah, you see, you need to be an ex-player to understand football properly. Wisdom from Mark Lawrenson: There is an awful long way to go but anybody who wants to win the league has to finish above Chelsea for me.

    Genius, and not one to sit on the fence with his pedo's predos.

    Rastafairy

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  43. Hello all, hope everybodies well.

    Back from my travels.

    In the mood to watch some comedy tonight, checked my TV guide and I have the choice between; Scary Movie 4, The Hangover 3 or MotD2.

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    Replies
    1. Welcome back, H2H - you haven't missed much. Maureen's still driving other managers mad, ManUre continue to provide laughs galore, and my Everton seem to have reverted to their form of starting slow in the league. Honestly, if I were at Goodison today, I might have chanted, "Are you David Moyes in disguise?" at Martinez. 'Course, I might have chanted that at LVG at Leicester as well...

      As for your viewing choices (now concluded, no doubt), I hope you enjoyed the comedy trio of Stones, Distin, and Howard, with special guest James McArthur.

      Delete
  44. I like the new Man U. Exciting at the front and the back. Sure, more likely to win than last year, but not more so than a few years back.

    I do not like the "small team" Chelsea. If Lampard wasn't the one, someone else surely would have pegged us back. Hey, Mo! Howsabout another goal or two? Y'know, just in case?

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  45. Some unexpected results this weekend... Spurs, Everton and Swansea beaten at home and Liverpool given a hiding by the Hammers.

    G'day H2, Scary Movie 4 looks your best bet there but seeing as you are in the mood for comedy, MotD2 it is.

    ReplyDelete