Thursday, 1 January 2015

New Year Predictions Part One

How do and a Happy New Year to all of yus (Geordies included). Hang on, wait a mo - you UKIP voters can just fuck off.

Now where was I? The New Year is upon us and to a bloke who turned 50 just last month 2015 still sounds like stupidly far into the future. There'll be flying cars and dinner in a pill by tomorrow I reckon.

In the meantime footy changes and footy stays the same. No matter how many cheating little bastards seek to pervert the course of the beautiful game with their falling, feigning and faffing about, it still remains a game in which booted men (yes, okay and women occasionally) tonk a pig's bladder (yes okay a sheep's bladder occasionally) around a green sward for the sheer fun of it. What better waste of time can there be?

In time honoured fashion I should like to mark this turning-over of time with some predictions for our sporting year ahead.

JANUARY

Alan Pardew marks his first game back at Crystal Palace with FA Cup defeat at Dover. Neil Warnock tells Match of the Day that if he was still there it would never have happened. Pardew nuts Warnock. Warnock nuts him back. They both find themselves out of football for six months. The nation celebrates for a whole week.

Yaya Toure comes home early from the African Cup of Nations when none of his teammates give him a cake for his 31 and three-quarter birthday. He is also upset not to be linked with a move to Manchester United given that every other fecker has been.

Roy Hodgson's January get-together with the England squad is a revelation after Chris Smalling, Phil Jones, John Stones all tell him they think right-back is a numpty's position and can he pick someone's who's good at it. Two months later and Roy has ignored them and selected a fit-again Glen Johnson.

In Australia, somebody with a name that sounds like the name of every other player in the women's game wins the tennis. Djokovic wins the men's in a superfast twelve hours and seven minutes.

FEBRUARY

It's the Superbowl and the Green Day Pickers beat the Steely See Panthers by two touc-ups and a punt to one sacking and a flag on the play. And that's a night I'll never get back.

Luis Suarez is sent off for trying to bite Cristiano Ronaldo - however the Uruguayan was unable to follow through with the chomping as, it turns out, Ronaldo secretes an unctuous and tasteless substance through the pores of his skin. Turns out the best player in the world sweats his own vanity.

England begin the Cricket World Cup with defeat against the minnows. And when I say 'minnows' I mean 'minnows'. This lot couldn't beat a shoal of tiny freshwater fish.

The rugby Six Nations begin with at the Millennium Stadium. Wales and England fight it out until the English realise they've left their best player in France simply because they have a petty rule that stops them picking him. Wales win with tries by Lydiate, Phillips and Halfpenny. Who play in France. Oops.

MARCH

Oo! It's the final of the WhoTheFuckIsSponsoringItThisYear League Cup. Chelsea beat Spurs 2-1, the winning goal coming from a Hazard penalty after the ref gives in and awards a penalty for the Blues' 17th dive of the match. Tom Daley denies doing additional coaching for Mourinho.

Manchester City are knocked out of the Champions League by Barcelona. Manuel Pellegrini is sacked. Tony Pulis moves from West Brom - who are up to 2nd by now - and takes over.

The World Cup cricket final is between India and Australia, The umpire review system is in place for the final and after several close calls, India decide that after reviewing the evidence the umpires need replacing. The ICC are appalled. But give in anyway. Australia win anyway. Not a dry eye in the house when the victory is dedicated to Phil Hughes. (Genuinely, that would be perfect.)

The F1 season begins with a cracking race in Melbourne. Not a single person with any interest in sport watches it.

APRIL

Celtic win the Scottish Cup Final against Hearts. Fans of both clubs are praised for the amount of loose change they donate to the Rangers benevolent fund collectors in the stadium.

Steve Bruce is sacked by Hull City after the Tigers fail to win in ten games. Bruce celebrates by becoming the Newcastle manager, replacing a slap-headed Fabricio Coloccini, who has been pulling his hair out for three months.

The University Boat Race is won in a record time when an extremely high tide breaks through the Thames Barrier.

In the Championship, promotion is now between eighteen teams, all of them separated by a single point. I book meself in for fingernail replacement surgery.

MAY

Alistair Cook scores a 300-ball century in the third test against West Indies. "It's ironic that having lost the captaincy of the one-day side I score such a rapid 100 here" he said. Without irony.

Middlesbrough win the FA Cup. Yeah? Wipe that smile off your faces. It's compensation for having failed to gain promotion on the toss of a coin after everyone in the Championship finish level on points.

Chelsea win the Premier League. Mourinho is very self-effacing about it all. "The Special One? That was a silly remark back then... Now I think we can say 'Touched by greatness' perhaps... or at God's right hand?"

Bayern Munich and Real Madrid win through in their Champions League semifinals. Manuel Neuer sealing a 3-0 victory over Chelsea with a stunning solo run and shoot from the edge of his own box, beating the dive of Thibaut Courtois - the only legitimate dive by a Chelsea player in the game.

At FIFA HQ Sepp Blatter is reelected for another four years and the Champagne flows. Well at least the blood of M. Champagne flows all over the carpet. FIFA orders an inquiry into the incident and Blatter appoints a bucket, two horses and a large chunk of emmenthal to head up the investigation.The fucking crook.

JUNE

A magnificent Ronaldo hat-trick graces a brilliant Champions League final which will live long in the memory of those fortunate enough to have witnessed it. 5-4 in extra time. Wow. (Sorry that's ridiculous. Arsenal (of course) win it with a fine victory over Madrid courtesy of world class strikes from Welbeck, Walcott and Sanogo.)

The European Games open in Baku with none of the competitors entirely sure as to why they're there, what they're there to do, or whether Azerbaijan is actually only in Europe during the Eurovision Song Contest (which incidentally was won by a Belgian bloke with knockers).

Wimbledon begins and as ever the first round is peppered with plucky Brits: plucked from obscurity and then totally plucked on court. They all lose, bar Andy Murray. Critics blame Amelie Mauresmo. She's a French lesbian so... y'know... inevitably she can't know much about the game she played as a professional all her life.

Gareth Bale signs for Manchester United. Unfortunately the club sells Old Trafford and Carrington to fund it and Bale's first training session is on an abandoned playing field in Wythenshawe.

There'll be more predictions in the next blog, by which time half of this one will look ridiculous.








74 comments:

  1. Happy New Year, Robbo! First!

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    1. Looks like I'm the only blog reader not nursing a hangover. Plus, the dog woke me at 5 am for a nice, cold walk (and believe me, when a 100-lb. Bloodhound tells you he needs a wee, you listen).

      Disappointed your May didn't include Everton playing attractive football right into the Championship. Probably means you think it might actually happen.

      I'll also throw in the predo that Mourinho treats his PL-winning Chelsea squad to a submarine ride...

      Delete
  2. Good stuff Robbo, happy belated 50th, it's uphill from here!

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  3. HNY Robbo! You've joined us 50-somethings, then? Just wait until bits start to fall of...

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  4. Happy New Year, Happy Hawaii. Great Blog. You could add that Chelski win the Prem Title by winning their last match 7 - 5 thereby pipping Citeh on goals scored! Funny, you're joining the 50 club as I'm about to leave....

    Spider

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  5. Your lucky to lose only a night to the Super Bowl. I lose at least a week, if not 2, to that numpty-fest.

    Happy New Year to all

    One stunned but happy Spurs Fan,
    74~

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    1. 74? Was that the final score? Painful, but at least it comes in time to buy Barcelona and Real Madrid in the transfer window.

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    2. Spurs 5 - Chelsea 3

      I had rely on text updates during the game, and have just finished watching the online 'replay'. It was a very entertaining game to say the least. Like the NBCSN pundits, I was inclined to think Chelsea' back four would have repelled most of the Spurs' attacks. Chelsea only looked like they were top of the league for maybe 25 minutes of the game. After H. Kane's goal in the 30th minute, Chelsea wasn't same the team that came out of the tunnel. If Chelsea should have had penalty kick like Mourinho says, then Cahill should been sent off for kicking Kane in the back. Arsenal not picking up any points turned out to be just the icing on the cake.

      74~

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  6. Happy new year to all!

    I'm sure the predictions are reasonably accurate, with but one glaring flaw. JoMo's rising means he IS a god, not just a god's right hand, with which he gets up to all kinds of immaculate contraconceptions.

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  7. Happy New Year People!

    First bit of footy news i hear this year - "Steven Gerrard: Liverpool captain to leave at end of season".
    Not feeling too bad about it. team seems to play the way Rodgers wants a little better when he's out, and he has more than earned the right to play easy paced footy while making money for the rest of his playing years. I just hope he doesn't take the flight to NYC via Manchester.

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    1. It's like the ravens leaving the Tower. You know those mythical birds with totemic status linking the place back to the apotheosised founding fathers; slow moving birds, useless really and they shit everywhere but much beloved.

      Delete
  8. Nice one Robbo and happy New Christmas birthday year.

    My predo for 2015 is spurs come out add surprise champions, Harry Kane develops into a world class striker, the England team come good win the world cup and Blatter rejects Satan and all his works (as his minions corrupt minors, sacrifice virgins and murder Truth itself and yes I have just watched The Godfather)

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  9. Bournemouth ate the story of the year for me. In 2009 they were 2 games from dropping out of the league, after going into administration. 6 years later, due to the skill of Eddie howe, who is clearly described to lead Harry Kane and England to victory in the Qatari desert, plus money bags chancer chairman Eddie Mitchell who seems to know people in FIFA places, not sure how else they'd be paying real Madrid friendlies, and all at a ground worth a capacity of 12000. The you have the perfect formula for success in modern sport..vain pezzonovante with money and shady dealings allied with genuine talent.port vale owner Smurf needs to wake up smell the coffee and hire a hit man. He's a brummie so he should make a few people an offer they can't understand.

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  10. Happy New Year all.

    What was it Bournemouth ate Blogidy?Most of us had turkey.

    It's been a VERY long time since I was able to feel so optimistic going into a New Year about Ipswich.

    All credit to Mick Hope-your-next-shit's-a-hedgehog McCarthy.

    But,please Mick,get automatic promotion.I can't cope with the play-offs.

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    1. Bourneouth can only eat white bread dipped in milk jacks otherwise their dentures get stuck. followed by aperatif.

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  11. Cheers Robbo.


    Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year to all of you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Next prediction - Stevie G signs for MLS team but half-way through the season he is loaned to Citeh because they will pay him even MORE money. Ancelotti (Citeh sacked Pellegrini because they only won TWO trophies) proves you can play Gerrard and Lampard in the same team and still win!

    Spider

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  13. A bit late but Happy New Year to all.

    Woke up Jan 1 with post-alcohol depression but after a couple of days drinking it off I woke up this morning feeling great, hence my return to Robboland.

    Arsenal have their eye on Ipswitch midfielder Teddy Bishop. What do you know about him Jack. Wenger obviously rates him higher than Fabregas so I assume he is brilliant.

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    1. Not a massive amount Bo,he only made his debut this season.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teddy_Bishop

      However,he's been a regular for us over the last few weeks.

      He's certainly not £10 million's worth,but then what footballer is?

      Delete
  14. Robbo, waiting for your prediction as to whether the Chickenshit vs Pacquiao fight will actually take place. It may not be the biggest question in sport at the moment but it's certainly the biggest question in boxing and that's sort of a sport.

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  15. Were they all UKIP voters, them missing bloggers? If so fuck em. Jefferson defined democracy as "two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner" but english democracy has become a pack of wolves who have persuaded a flock of sheep thta the chickens next door are the biggest threat.

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  16. Police have announced as part of Operation Yewtree, they will be looking into allegations that between 1984-5, Jimmy Saville's friend Margaret Thatcher fucked 5,000 miners.

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  17. Thought we'd hit the low point of the season. My world has crumbled...

    https://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/early-doors/justin-bieber-pictured-playing-football-and-scoring-in-an-everton-kit-143438967.html

    Unless the dopey little twat wants to invest a boatload of cash into the club...

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  18. Taking a breather from am amazing pdc final...deciding leg....

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  19. Anderson wins.

    Should be in the Olympics.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Was a great tourny.

      Anderson deserved it.

      Delete
  20. RIP Stuart Scott

    http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=espn:12118361

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  21. wombles or scousers..... we're gonna win the cup!

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    1. Well, well, well...Heskey to play once again at Anfield. I thought that ship had sailed several years ago. Strange tides.

      And, in other news, it seems to have gone un-noticed that a Moyes' team has beaten Barca. Stranger tides.

      Delete
    2. Moyes could be manager of Liverpool before the next round of the cup!

      Delete
    3. I was gonna mention it, AH, but after the Bieber-in-an-Everton-shirt [throws up in mouth a little] thing, I was already on suicide watch...

      Kidding, but It's a good thing I went back to work this week. Time to brood can be an awful thing.

      The 72-year-old strike force will do it at Anfield! (Especially if Rodgers plays Migonnaletinsomegoals again...)

      Delete
  22. Rapist twat Ched Evans has been badly advised. There is a way back, but at the moment he needs to get out of our sight for a year, go and clean toilets in Timbuctoo or something. Then come back and FUCKING APOLOGISE.

    Lee Hughes got drink and killed someone, did time then played for Oldham and Vale. Trust me, he was never a role model for anyone, but what I'm saying is I dint think it's right to ban someone for life when they've been punished and accepted their guilt I think is wrong. Can't say I lose much sleep over it though.

    Ched is guilty and should accept it, Boycott is guilty and similarly claiming innocence in these kinds of situations is counter proactive because the media expects Caesars wife spotlessness from public figures and because the situation itself screams guilt.

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    1. On second thoughts Fuck him. Loads of jobs are closed if you have a criminal conviction.

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    2. Boycott? What's he (allegedly) done?

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    3. He was convicted of punching his girlfriend in France a few years ago. Denies it.

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    4. I'm not sure what surprised me more, Boycott beating a woman or Boycott being with a woman. I always thought he was bading, or gay to you guys, now I discover he's something of a lothario. Who'd a thunk it.

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    5. so he bowled a maiden over?

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    6. Being found guilt and being guilty are really two different things, as are being innocent and being found not guilty. The legal system is not about guilt or innocence, it's a game played out so that justice can be seen to be done.
      If you think that Grumpy Professional Yorkshireman Geoffrey Boycott is guilty of punching his GF, read this:
      http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/cricket/11326605/Geoffrey-Boycott-has-been-robbed-twice-first-by-the-French-courts-then-by-Whitehall.html
      or any other article about how he was stitched up by the French legal system.
      Rastafairy.

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    7. Possibly, Rasta but then possibly not....
      http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/197783.stm

      If he'd bothered to turn up to the original trial and then managed not to lose his temper during the retrial (which tended to prove the point that he sometimes lost his temper) or maybe avoided moaning about everyone speaking French (in a French court) then he might have been exonerated. It wouldn't help much today having convicted paedophile Max Clifford (who guess what also insists he's innocent) speaking for you.

      Whether he did it or not or whether Ched Evans did it or not isn't really the main issue for the rest of us, after the detailed scrutiny of the evidence in public is over... it becomes more of an issue of public morality. I think we have to have some faith that the justice system by and large convicts guilty people.

      I couldn't do the job I'm doing now with Evans' or Boycotts' criminal records. There will be individual injustices but I don't think celebs or sportsmen should have a free pass on these things.

      Boycott had a couple of bans for various things, supporting apartheid Sarth Efrica for instance, but he kept his head down for a good while on this one, I seem to remember, unlike Evans after his release. or maybe in his case it's a matter of "thou hast committed fornication. But that was in another country and besides, the wench is dead".

      btw Ched Evans has just been turned down even by OldLags FC and I think that's the right decision.

      Delete
    8. Totally agree Blogs. I note Ched is now blaming "mob rule" for the breakdown of his move. So being found guilty of rape, serving only half of a derisory sentence and failing to make a full remorseful apology (the "apology" he made today doesn't cut it for me) had nothing to do with it? I note Old Lags really got cold feet when their sponsors started getting heavy (as per Sheff Utd) If people have been threatened then that is deplorable but I'll reserve judgement until a complaint is actually made to the Police. An arrest would also help.

      Spider

      Spider

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    9. "So being found guilty of rape, serving only half of a derisory sentence and failing to make a full remorseful apology (the "apology" he made today doesn't cut it for me) had nothing to do with it?"

      Everyone else who does that gets to go back to work. He is being bullied because he is famous. I shed no tears for a rapist's difficulties, but from a purely logical point of view, it is wrong for a person who has served their debt to society to continue being punished. And yes, it really is by "the mob".

      Delete
    10. As Blogs has already pointed out, loads of jobs are closed once you have a criminal conviction. If he had shown the slightest bit of remorse he might have been able to pull it off but Blogs is right, he's been badly advised and is paying a heavy price for it.

      As for Taylor's comments on the subject, they are an insult to the victims of Hillsborough and he should resign. Why do these people appear to live on a different planet?

      Spider

      Delete
    11. "loads of jobs are closed once you have a criminal conviction"
      Yes, they are closed LEGALLY. As in, the LAW says you can't do them anymore. Football is not one of them.

      A baying mob hounded him out of a job he is perfectly entitled to do. The law did NOT ban him from doing it, a mob did.

      Again, I don't sympathize with rapists. But the idea of the law being "added to" by these nutters is deeply frightening to me.

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    12. If we're talking about a baying mob, who forced his victim to move home five times, the Samaritans?

      Spider

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    13. Not Evans.

      Two wrongs don't make a right, his victim being attacked doesn't make him being attacked right.

      The facts are:
      He was found guilty of a horrible crime.
      He was sentenced to time in jail.
      He served his time.
      He now has the legal right to go back to work.

      You don't have to like it, but those are the facts. Mob rule sickens me.

      Delete
  23. being "badly advised" is another excuse. How about we blame the guy that advised the advisor, or the bloke that advised him? Fuck that, I get that it's the modern way to find an explanation/excuse/reason anywhere except for where the responsibility lies but there's a school of thought that says that's fuckin' wrong and crippling society along the full lengths of all its axis. What's so bad about the concept that society as a whole or even as a small pocket, doesn't necessarily want to embrace a rapist? Having said that, there'll be a PR machine at work, turning his story into a book or a Christmas #1. Even worse, he signs for Bolton! Ship 'em all off to Australia I say!

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    1. Badly advised is just a euphemism for 'compete fuckwit' trot. The mob rule thing makes me laugh actually. I doubt it's in cheds 12 word vocabulary, if brains was semtex he wouldn't have enough to blow dry his mullet, it's something some rapist apologist at the pfa has said to him.

      Yes that's right it's mob rule, chedward, not that thing where you raped some one.

      Anon- some professions ban convicted criminals by law, but others do it because they don't want convicted criminals working for them. It's not good for your corporate image, see. You're right though some professions don't ban them and celebs get away literally with murder sometimes OJ but they FUCKING SHOULDN'T.

      I wouldn't want this creep teaching my kids PE and until they 18 certificate it there's too many kids who look up to footballers, so he needs to do one until he's been forgotten about. It would have taken 1 year, now it will take 2, I'd say.

      Football's got no morals has it? If decent public opinion expressing good principles (aka mob rule) hasn't suggested to Nandos and Mecca Bingo that they might lose sales, so threatening to withdraw sponsorship, Oldlags Athletic would have rapist up front, and why not a couple of paedos at the back and afearsome midfield of battle hardened jihadis. Cos everyone deserves a second chance don't they (no)

      Delete
    2. Fucking fly just blew up in my face.

      Must of been a jihadi long legs

      Delete
  24. Never a truer word spoken in jest, I reckon he'd get a club in Oz, they seem to have a forgiving culture in regard to ex-crims......

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    1. although, Geoff Boycott might not be welcomed down under! 3,000 runs in 38 tests against them!

      Delete
    2. I don't know what's wrong with modern convicted murderers, they've all gone soft on television and central heating, 3 square a day and therapy sessions, back in the day they'd have shanked a rapist in the slammer.

      Delete
    3. The Aussies are a forgiving people but they don't extend their forgiveness to rapists, paedophiles or murderers. If you stole a loaf of bread though, you'll be fine.

      You are right Trott, Boycott would be about as welcome in Oz as a rabbi in Meccca. It isn't so much about the runs scored against them, although it is a factor, more about the time he occupied the time he occupied crease.

      Delete
    4. The Aussies are a forgiving people but they don't extend their forgiveness to rapists, paedophiles or murderers. If you stole a loaf of bread though, you'll be fine.

      You are right Trott, Boycott would be about as welcome in Oz as a rabbi in Meccca. It isn't so much about the runs scored against them, although it is a factor, more about the time he occupied the time he occupied crease.

      Delete
  25. The Aussies are a forgiving people but they don't extend their forgiveness to rapists, paedophiles or murderers. If you stole a loaf of bread though, you'll be fine.

    You are right Trott, Boycott would be about as welcome in Oz as a rabbi in Meccca. It isn't so much about the runs scored against them, although it is a factor, more about the time he occupied the time he occupied crease.

    ReplyDelete
  26. The Aussies are a forgiving people but they don't extend their forgiveness to rapists, paedophiles or murderers. If you stole a loaf of bread though, you'll be fine.

    You are right Trott, Boycott would be about as welcome in Oz as a rabbi in Meccca. It isn't so much about the runs scored against them, although it is a factor, more about the time he occupied the time he occupied crease.

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  27. Did I get my point across??

    Sorry about the multiple entries of the same comment. All I got was a problem with the site and unable to publish comment message.

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  28. The Aussies are a forgiving people but they don't extend their forgiveness to rapists, paedophiles or murderers. If you stole a loaf of bread thought, you'll be fine.

    Sorry, couldn't resist - je suis douchebag. :)

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    1. a loaf of bread is ok? anyone want a butty?

      Delete
  29. I'm confused now. Are the Aussies forgiving people or do they just like bread?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. 'billabong' is aborigine for 'baguette'

      Delete
    2. no porridge for nickin' bread Matilda

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    3. It's ok to steal bread?

      I'll toast to that.

      Delete
    4. that's the best idea since sliced bread!

      Delete
  30. One word: magic darts...well done Scotty

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  31. an interesting little snippet……..And Louis van Gaal has collected 37 points after 21 games, an identical record to David Moyes at the same stage last season.

    He's spent 5 x more than Moyes (so far).

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    1. LOL

      Van Gaal has a philosophy problem, apparently.

      http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2015/jan/12/falcao-louis-van-gaal-manchester-united-philosophy

      Trying to explain to Rooney that there is a teleological suspension of the ethical in passing back to de gea or that the architectonics of answerability imply hoofing it up the pitch to fellaini might be where he's going wrong

      Delete
  32. Great seeing Man U in trouble. Not all change is for the better however. First this

    http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/news/nation-in-shock-as-cadburys-changes-the-creme-egg-recipe-9971856.html

    and NOW :

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/shopping-and-consumer-news/11339532/Special-Brew-to-be-watered-down.html

    We're going to hell in a handcart i tells ya

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    1. Now that you might actually fit in the handcart.

      Delete