Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Go away Jose!

Let's face it, a lot of us are scraping by at the moment. If we're lucky we'll have a skanky Chinese of a Friday night and keep up the Netflix monthly payments if we can. If you've got little uns the ungrateful bastards are getting every single available item from Primark and they're just having to live with it.

Sod your ethical investment funds and your organic cotton, we've got to screw every last penny out of every nook and cranny we can find. Sofas that haven't had their grim contents eviscerated for years are being ripped open to reveal a horrific combination of lost keys, soiled tissues, battery-less remotes, Ginster's pastry, a few quid in coppers and in my case about three pairs of socks. Well, six individual ones but times are tough so I've paired em up anyway.

Austerity continues to press upon us like a weighty layer of marzipan, squeezing our innards outwards in an unappetising way that would have Mary Berry's face wrinkling into a charming walnutty frown.

History tells us that at times like these, what we want is a bit of escapism: a glance into a better world of glamour, of artistry, of sophistication,

A world where fellow parliamentary representatives of our country are knocking each other sideways; where the country isn't run by a kind of wicked governess that wouldn't think twice about locking you in the cupboard under the stairs, especially if you hadn't passed your 11-plus; where the words 'grab her by the pussy' are magically transformed into something more romantic and alluring like 'I've got a half of Lowenbrau with your name on it, pet, but obviously it's up to you, like.'

Yes, when you can't see where your next tuppence is coming from what you need more than anything else is ENTERTAINMENT. Especially from those for whom Austerity is something that is happening in a parallel universe somewhere beyond the leylandii at the bottom of the garden.

Of course Jose Mourinho has never believed he was in the entertainment business. Unless referee-baiting becomes an international sport, in which case he'd be WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION, the louse.

It's been a long time since Duff and Robben seared up and down the flanks at Stamford Bridge while Drogba ploughed between them like some fleet-footed shire horse. He'll have none of that frippery anymore. For all his pouty good looks and his occasionally colourful outbursts Mourinho has become as dour a coach as the game currently has. What is wrong with the miserable sod that he has to inflict such pragmatic workaday drudgery on the expectant football fan?

I bet if you went round his house for dinner you'd get some dry white bread, a scrape of butter and one of those mandarins with all the taste bled out if it. If he bought you a present it'd be gift vouchers for Jewson's. He'd be the one buying a winter coat on the warmest day of the year.

Now look, as a Boro fan maybe I'm feeling this more than most. Karanka's not exactly got us leaping of our seats right now. In fact I've invested in some comfy cushions for the next home match cos there's nowt like a sheet of cold plastic for kickstarting your haemorrhoids. But we have to be a bit practical. The club's not awash with cash like some of them.

But Manchester United? Well, they've spent the gross domestic product of a middle-sized European nation on their team and all we get is a decent defensive unit with a top keeper and an ageing showpony up front.

I mean what's Mourinho said to himself here? 'It worked for Simeone and Atletico'? Yeah but he's making the most of not much. 'And look how well Iceland did'? Yeah but that's Iceland. Ibrahimovic could buy Iceland with a week's wages.

And here's my point. Life gets a tad dull when your nose is to the grindstone. The last thing you want to do is go and see a team of multimillionaires play the greatest game on earth like their noses are to the self-same grindstone. We want self-expression, extravagance, spontaneity and a dash of the unexpected. In other words all the things that Mourinho abhors.

I tell you this for nowt, if United had Tony Pulis in charge right now they'd be doing just as well. At least Guardiola gets his rich boys knocking it about a bit. Right now United, the keeper aside, wouldn't look out of place wandering out onto a municipal playing-field having just downed a jar of ale.

And don't one of you lot even begin to argue that it's working and that it's a valuable point and not a lot of teams come away from Anfield looking that sort of reasonable.



41 comments:

  1. My favourite footballing quote comes, I believe, from the great late Yohan Cruyff: "I'd rather play to win and lose 4:3 than play to draw and lose 1:0!" ...something on those lines-it was in Dutch.

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  2. Just another 104 drab 0-0 draws and the title is going back to OT.

    Mourinho - this is what happens when charismatic leader loses his charisma down the back of robbos sofa. he just looks bored with it all now.not as bored as us of course- abillion pounds worth of dull is one big fucking heap of dull.

    Port Vale the team to watch at the moment, mourinho's younger more charismatic mate at the helm

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  3. Good stuff Robbo, you're the lucky one, we burnt our sofa to keep the kids warm last February.

    It's right though, even with my soft spot for the Mancs, don't like him one bit, a face you'd never get tired of smacking (they used to say). So, grab him by the pussy and kick him up the arse, all the way out of England!

    Port Vale is indeed the team to watch, especially on October 29th.

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    1. The return match in April is likely to be the title decider trots. we'll have the home advantage.

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    2. well, yes you will, assuming you still have a home!

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  4. You can't even get solace from Football Manager, which will include the possibility of hard and soft Brexits, and Scotland voting to stay in the EU and leave England as a result, in the game. Maybe they'll put in a referee-baiting rating as well.

    Still, not sure what the Maureen fuss is about. Jose is just giving us the Theatre of Dreams in truth - one has to fall asleep in order to dream, no? Ah, to sleep - perchance to dream of better football...

    Saw the best US campaign sign while walking the dog the other day:
    Giant Meteor 2016
    "Just end it already"

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  5. The Leicester game was good though. Some more of that and we'll look like Champions again. Wenger better win it this season if United don't though

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    1. Hi Adam - just wondering if you saw the Chelsea game today? heheheh

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  6. Good to have you back, Robbo.

    I thought I might see a mention of AFC Wimbledon climbing above Franchise FC in League One? Of all the football wrongs that ever needed righting, that was always up near the top for me. Just hoping it's a permanent state of affairs.

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  7. Hopefully not. If they loved their club so much why didn't they turn up and watch them when they were still playing in London

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  8. We scored our first goal in 502 minutes this week.So fairly similar to Un**ed at the moment. Still, at least our manager is good for a laugh.

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  9. What an inspirational post. Thanks for sharing with us. I really searching such kid of posting

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  10. Mourinho increasingly looking like an ageing fighter who left his fight in the gym.

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  11. Hmmm, spoke to soon about my brave lads. Mrs Jack (not her real name) took the piss as soon as I got in from work on Saturday.

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  12. Well everybody's an Einstein these days :-) I'm not fan of Jose and as ManU fan, certainly think he can build a team that can play much better football with the resources he currently has. Anyway, he should be given the time just like LVG.

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  13. Great to have you back Robbo, I have been in splits reading the 3 blogs back to back. As for Mourinho, he has lost his mojo a bit and I am not sure what will bring it back. Maybe, he is in the same mental place as Rooney

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  14. Just read where the house of a Denver Broncos player (American Football) was robbed during a game. Denver...the new Liverpool? I kid, I kid...

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  15. This is Luke vs Vader, the Gunfight at the OK Corale, the D-Day Landings, Bristowe vs Taylor and the Battle of Agincourt rolled into one. Feast your eyes Trotter and may the best Vale win.....(and yes I did spot that we've only won 2 vs 22 defeats but that win tally is about to improve by 50%.....

    http://www.onevalefan.co.uk/2016/10/two-minute-guide-to-bolton-wanderers-v-port-vale/

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  16. very worrying that the Vale fan website can't even get the league table right. Leaves the reader with the merest hint that their reporters might just be clueless or God forbid, they want to leave the reader with the impression that the teams are more closely matched than reality would suggest. However, that has nothing to do with the game which will be decided by a moment of skill from an overpaid pansy, good luck, stray balloons or a well compensated referee. Up the Vale, aye, right up the Vale!

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    1. This could yet be a glorious 4-3 victory

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    2. hard luck Blog, 3 jammy breaks for us!

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    3. Could have been worse trots

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    4. There speaks a man who accepts the delay of inevitable glory.

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  17. Some delays are more permanent than others me old mate

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  18. Ah Jose, Jose.

    It took a while but the world is finaly starting to wake up and smell the cup of bullshit you've been trying to pass off as coffee. The scare tactics, mind games, bus parking, siege mentality, blame shifting and genral arseholery has been sussed and is no longer effective and the only tool left in your armoury is you.

    Special.

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  19. On the other hand though.....


    Yanited looked pretty decent last weekend and created enough chances to win three games, Heaton had the game of his life for Burnley between the sticks.

    I gotta feeling that Maureen was made to sign some kind of behaviour clause in his contract preventing him from being the complete a'hole we all love to hate, you can see it in his demeanor and his drab interviews, it's like the creamy fiery twaty filling has been sucked out and all that is left is the crispy basterd flavoured shell.

    He looks to me like a ticking time bomb, a pre green David Banner.

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    1. Mournho : DOnt make me angry, you wouldnt like me when Im angry
      Us : We dont like you already you portugese sack of shit

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  20. is he David Banner or a withering and hollow walnut whip, is he a jaffa cake that's had the chocolate licked off, is he just a lightly battered cod piece without the mushy peas and chips? No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

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  21. I still think he needs Rafa to bait. Or debate. Or ma-ok, almost took that one too far.

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  22. Looks like Mou is making enemy with the team again what with the 'summer friendly' attitude. Although hard to disagree with him after seeing how they have been playing in the Europa League. Probably the think this campaign is not their level which is obviously contrary to current displya.

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  23. Beat me to it, Anon. http://www.bbc.com/sport/football/37867990

    My sarcastic comment was going to be that it worked so well at Chelsea. Looks like Jose can't be troubled to follow his usual three-year trajectory anymore. He's gone and condensed it to three months. Big signings, hope, trophy, ref baiting and bunker mentality, and now turning on the players.

    Humor aside, in the modern game, players don't seem to react that well to the shaming tactic.

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  24. Some first-rate trolling by BBC Newsnight, in response to a Tory MP demanding the playing of "God Save The Queen" at the close of the day in recognition of Britain's exit from the EU. You all know where this goes...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwsQ_5Wm4oo

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  25. Robbo, it's been great having your witty and insightful thoughts on the beebs and here for the last few years - as an alter ego to the real and considerably more gentle (and certainly genteel) Niall Ashdown you have provided us with more laughs and truisms in grim times than we have ever deserved.

    Understandably, your blogs have eventually dried up and are now just used as a forum for a few other users to stay in touch with each other - and that is as well and good - I'm sure that like many others I will miss your wit, scepticism and downright common sense on all things sport - keep the flame burning, mate!

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  26. showpony put in more in net than the studs in the Manu shirts.How about that.

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  27. I really like the way you draw images of what you read in the text to support your ideas.
    หนังตลก

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